ideal open adoption?

You know, we have two kids, so four unique OA's. They are all VASTLY different, different levels of communication, etc. 3 of the 4 really are wonderful. 1 is challenging. They break down like this: Relationship with youngest son's birthmom is open and comfortable - we see her often, talk to her often, spend time with her and her family, her family spends time with our family. Sometimes it's all of us, sometimes it's just her and JD, and everything in between. Great relationship. Youngest son's bdad - we see him about once a year (his choice). We talk on FB sometimes...generally, I message him, sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't. But he ALWAYS talks to our son, asks about our son, connects with him and focus's on him. Great relationship. Oldest son's bdad - we've only met him once, as he lives 12 hours by plane. He calls twice a year and talks to my son. He sends cards sometimes, and he responds to my son's emails. He is building a relationship with our son outside of the relationship with us. Great relationship. Oldest son's bmom - we used to see each other on and off before they moved overseas. This relationship is rocky. Why? Because the relationship is between "us", and there is very little communication between her and our son. She has stated that she wants him to take the lead (he's 9.). She told me that she needs to protect her feelings and can't let down her guard to try to forge any communication. I don't doubt at all that she loves him. I KNOW she does...and I respect the heck out of the fact that she opened up to tell me that, but that doesn't change the fact that she is hurting my son (not from MY perspective, but from his.) So...my ideal? It doesn't come from the number of visits, calls, contact, etc. It comes in the form of participation and effort from everyone involved. My ideal is that my kids and their other parents have a relationship in addition to the one we have as a family because believe me - a 9 year old is old enough to realize when he's being blown off (as in not talking to him on the phone, but asking him to give the phone to me when he answers the rare call; not looking at him or talking to him at visits; not answering emails that he sends). And he's old enough to vocalize his confusion and feel the impact of it...it's what we're living right now and it is very challenging to help him through this. Our three "great" OA's may have different levels of contact but they all have one thing in common - my kids' parents really put in the effort to talk to the kids...they ask them questions...they smile at them...they tell the kids about themselves...they make themselves available in case the KIDS have questions or even want to say hello. That is my ideal.

Lovemy2boys, your situation sounds pretty good :) It is always sad though when one child's situation is different. I posted the following on the birthmothers support forum a while ago. This isn't exactly an "ideal adoption situation" as it isn't actually an adoption but I do like what the couple on this site did. [url=http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE]Your Motivational Stories & Inspirational Short Stories > EACH ONE HELP ONE | Values - Pass It On[/url]

Wow. That is quite an open ended question but also hard to answer. My answer is pretty philosophical. I believe you need enough visits (which is lots) to know each other as people, with lots of pictures, phone calls and letters between visits so it doesn't feel like you're visiting a stranger every time you see them. Our family philosophy on openness has been all about considering it a relationship rather than an obligation, and to basically work towards really, truly knowing each other in a way that matters in the end for our children. We have two vastly different open relationships with our kids' first families. For one, their other family refuses any contact, after many attempts in the last four plus years. We still send one letter a year with pictures, but that is now how we want it to be. We are hoping that with time, we might at least have some sort of relationship with a full bio brother who is in care. It's hard though, as DS, is becoming more and more aware that his other family isn't around, and even though DD's other family accepts him wholeheartedly, his little spirit feels the difference. He doesn't know them, but he still misses them. The other family...well, it is about as complex and fulfilling as it gets. I'll say up front that there is alot of stress at times, but through a tragedy, remarkably enough, DD's other mom (who is parenting a younger sibling) has decided to finally reach out and latch on, and we are enjoying loads of contact, just chatting on the phone, and several visits during the year. We also have varying and changing relationships with other members, including a niece in care, a sister in another adoptive home, and grandparents. Our base line commitment to each of our child's families was at least four visits a year, and monthly letters for the first year with at least four letters a year following. We thought it was a good start and have moved from there. It hasn't been easy but we are trusting it will be worth it.

We do. There is alot of love and alot of respect amongst us all. I love them all, and I am excited for what the future holds for all of us.

OK, this is a complete fantasy, but humor me. I've got cabin fever and snow-i-tis My fantasy is focused on OAs out of foster care when BM lost her rights due to her issues. OAs with emoms and voluntary TPRs where everyone is plugged in for the best interest to the baby would be different In my fantasy. BPs would have gotten sober, processed what got them to this place, accepted their actions, and were working towards healing. They would have dealt with the reality that the child is no longer "theirs" but they can be an important person i nthe child's life through their new role. (that means they no longer demand their 'rights to know' the details of DD's therapy sessions and the rights to show her off to whomever they choose, etc) In this better place, they are working to repair their relationship with their child. They are engaged in the process with that in mind - not using the child as a prop or a possession. They would be honestly excited to hear about her activities - whether it be report cards, trips, or girl scout cookie sales. I would not have to debate whether sharing information will result in an argument. I could share videos, photos, photocopies of report cards. I'd be delighted in doing so, as I love to brag about our daughter. Her inbox would rarely go a week without something. Once she is proven sober and back on her proper meds for her mental illness, I'd gladly invite her to the gymnastics recitals, cheerleading games, and soccer matches. I'd love to share this experience. The more people loving this girl, the better. In my fantasy world, our quarterly, 2 hour visits could become more fluid as BM became a more natural entity in our life.

This is pretty much exactly my hope for ours! :-)

For us it was both bio's lost their rights due to issues and there was neglect and abuse issues that need healing from.I almost feel bad on this thread sometimes because I feel like we got the fantasy OA with BirthDad and I don't ever want to come across like I am bragging but yet I do want to celebrate and share about the wonderful relationship we have. i want the world to know that OA can be a positive and healing relationship out of a terrible situation.Our fantasy come true with BDad is that I can pick up the phone and call him at anytime....I can invite him to school and community events and he can come and get involved and he can jump in helping out just like any other parent. We make it normal for us so it is normal for our friends and community to accept him for who is is as well. This makes it normal for DD.He can say no I can't come because I am too busy at work and not feel like he won't get invited again. He can call and say hey I am in town can I drop by today..........this was huge for us........that he felt safe and comfortable enough to do this and even to bring his girlfriend and her sister. HUGE.My daughter can bring him to school and he can talk to her teacher and hear how wonderful she is himself. We can go to the rodeo and he can ride the scary rides with her because DH and I are too chicken. He can come for sleepovers. He can sleep upstairs across the hall from DD while DH & I sleep downstairs. We do not worry.He can bring his other daughter and be happy that she runs into our arms with hugs and kisses.....he loves that we love her and that she loves us. He loves that both his daughters see themselves as the sisters that they are and that they see each other enough to get annoyed with one another just like any other sisters.He and I can go together to his Dad's wedding and confuse the heck out of the bride's side of the family who can't quite peg if we are married with two daughters or if I am his ex or what the heck we are to each other {and I am a fair bit older which made it even funnier to us!}. We can stand united in front of his family {sibs} where he has been a bit of the black sheep and the bad kid and he can take comfort in having DD and myself there to support him and show them just how great he turned out to be!But most of all what works best in my fantasy is the time and attention he has given DD to begin to trust him. He has always gone by her reactions and never demanded anything from her. He has waited for her to be ready for physical contact, asked before he hugged her even tho we could see how much he had to put his pride aside to ask her in front of us. He tunes in to her and gauges where she is at and tries to match her without ever making her feel uncomfortable or pressured.He reaches out enough to her to make her feel special but without requiring anything back from her and without smothering her. He has let her know that he is sorry for how things were and that none of it was her fault. He has both shown and told her how much he has always loved her and how amazing and beautiful she is to him. She feels it.He has been about as open and honest with her {and especially with us during our grownup conversations} as one could ever ask for. I think we all feel like there is nothing that we couldn't share and be understood and supported. There is a complete lack of jealousy or competitiveness between us, instead there is a shared joy and love that we have. We all know that we have something incredibly special and unique and we celebrate it. Now.....if only DD's BMom contacts me back........SM

Sunshine, How wonderful. thank you for sharing. And, no, I don't see it as bragging.

Perfect OA for me looks like this... I would love my son to always know who I am - I want to have enough of a presence in his life for him to recognize me as someone he knows, especially while he's young and has no idea what it means that I'm the birthmother. I want to develop a relationship with him where he feels comfortable talking to me, telling me about what's going on in his life, and asking questions about me if he has them. I want to develop a relationship with his parents where when he's too young to talk to me, or if he is too into being a kid to keep up contact, that his parents will keep me up with how he's doing and who he is. If our lives change, if I move farther away or my life keeps me from seeing them as much, if my son loses interest in maintaining a relationship, if the parents feel stress over my presence, I hope that we can put it out there, talk about it. I hope no party in this triad ever feels like the rug was pulled out from under them and the relationship was changed without a conversation. For now I see my son (who is just about 9 months old) about once every 2 months, I get pictures a little more often than that, sometimes just one or two, sometimes a hundred, all of which are great. I wish I had updates, it's really the one thing I feel is lacking. They tend to email only to set up a visit, and send pictures through an online gallery with no info attached. I usually just wait until visits to really find out how he's been doing. It works for all of us (I think) and for me that's what is important. It's definitely very different from what we were talking about at our first match meeting, and I think for us it's been important we all don't get stuck on "what we agreed to" which was only one visit a year and rather did as much as we feel comfortable with at any given time.

It is true that alot of situations where TPR is voluntary is very different from children from foster care. Not all though, as ours were both voluntary placements whose other moms have issues including addiction and mental illness, and struggles with marginalized lifestyles. Just wanted to give you hope that sometimes it can be possible. We've been in a struggling OA with DD's other mom for DD's almost seven year life. Some of the time, our letters were sent through intermediaries because she wasn't stable enough to have an address. Some of the time, visits were ended abruptly because she wasn't sober enough to be there. Sometimes she disappeared. She lost her first two DDs to foster care after she placed DD with us. And then last year, through a tragic loss, something clicked, somehow, she has been able to continue to remain sober and get healthier and more stable with each passing month. We have had several visits and although in many ways, we still seem to come from two completely different worlds, every time we get together or just chat on the phone, it feels more and more normal. And DD only benefits right now from knowing her and from them having a strong relationship. Someday it might be hard when the full story is known, but we are praying that by then they will both be strong enough to work through it together. It has been a humbling and blessed experience having DD's other mom reach out to us as family for support through this tragedy. And to see her grow as a strong and confident woman working through all her issues. It does bring up another issue that some might consider when thinking of OA, esp as it relates to building relationships with people who have addiction issues. It's not an easy road. When considering a child who may have prenatal exposure, that harder road may be a part of the deal.

Thank you!! that does give me hope