Advertisements
:confused: Hi everyone... I found my birthmother on 12/10, I sent her a message through Facebook, which she responded (a whole month later)with my birthdate. I was so excited, I was finally going to get the aswers I had longed for my whole life!
I felt her being cautious, which I understood, and her replies took forever (for me)! I told her many things about me, always being careful to let her know that I didn't want to disrupt her life, that I wasn't going to tell her family who I was until (and if) she ever felt like telling them herself.
We spoke on FB chat, she told me I have two half brothers (I already knew) who didn't know about me, and that her parents did. I've seen them both on Facebook, my BM tagged them so I'd know. She also sent me a friend request, which I accepted (limited profile).
Well, during our conversation on FB chat, she asked me to give her my number, which I did, I asked for hers (she dodged my request), and we were supposed to talk the next Wednesday of Thursday.
She didn't call either day, so I called her (I have all her contact info)on Firday night... she hung op on me the second she realized who it was.I tried calling again, giving her a chance to say we'd been disconnected or whatever... she didn't answer.
I sent her an email apologizing if my call had surprised her, and saying I'd be here when and if she wanted to contact me. I ended the message saying I wanted nothing from her other than information and a relationship if she wanted it, and I explained about the HUGE void I'd had my whole life. I told her I hoped she would want to get to know me.
She didn't answer, she even opened a new Facebook account (!?), but never blocked me.
I sent her a new message telling her how hurt and rejested I felt, and asked if she'd mind if I got in touch with my grandparents (who knew about my existence), since I don't have any.
She still didn't answer. After a hectic weekend, I was going to call or email them yesterday... but when I opened my email, I saw she had replied.
She only said that it was a bad time for her, and that her parents were elderly and she wished I would hold out on contacting them. She said that she would be in touch with me, and in a sneaky way said that she couldn't give me information about other people (my dad), that she didn't have the right... I don't even have his name.
Bottom line, my feeling about her, I don't believe her. I have never felt more rejected in my life, I've been crying for a month over anything.
I want to get in touch with my grandparents, I think I could have more in common with them than her (from her pictures I see her lifestyle isn't very compatible with mine, but I was completely willing to ignore that).
Please help me!! And please be kind...
Thanks...
Like
Share
Advertisements
I have been there and it is tough...but we had literally years of thinking of it before we actually made a move to doing it. Force yourself to go on with life. Set limits on how many times you will check your email etc. Start reading information on reunion. Search the members for Ripples, go to her page and read some of her posts - she was the best at providing links to reading. Cheers,Dickons
I too have been there, and I know how much it hurts. Nothing is more painful than feeling like we are rejected all over again.
I know that when you're waiting for a response or an answer, every minute feels like an hour, and every hour feels like an eternity.
One thing I have learned is that we adoptees need to give our bfamilies lots of time and space. If we push too hard, we might end up pushing them away.
It sounds to me like your bmom is willing to get to know you and include you in her family, but she has to do it her way and in her own time. When she hung up on you, it might have been because there was someone else in the room, and she couldn't speak freely to you, so try not to take it too personally.
I think it would be unwise for you to contact your bgrandparents at this time -- especially since your bmom has said it is not a good time. She might know something that you don't know. Calling them could backfire -- they could side with her, and then maybe no one will speak to you. Your bmom should be the one to tell them about you -- give her the chance to follow through. If you're worried that your bgrandparents might pass away before you can ever meet them, I still think it's too risky for you to contact them right now.
You initially wrote your bmom that you were not going to disrupt her life and that you were willing to wait until/if she was ready to tell others about you. That's why maybe she is starting to panic when you mention contacting your bgrandparents. She needs to feel like she can trust you.
At least your bmom has acknowledged you. If you read these forums long enough, you will learn that there are other bmoms who refuse any contact from the child they relinquished. I know you're frustrated, but try to consider yourself fortunate that your bmom has accepted you in her own way -- get to be her friend and gain her trust, and see where it leads. Best of wishes to you. I'm sure it will all work out in the long run.
freakymogwai
:confused: Hi everyone... I found my birthmother on 12/10, I sent her a message through Facebook, which she responded (a whole month later)with my birthdate. I was so excited, I was finally going to get the aswers I had longed for my whole life! I felt her being cautious, which I understood, and her replies took forever (for me)! I told her many things about me, always being careful to let her know that I didn't want to disrupt her life, that I wasn't going to tell her family who I was until (and if) she ever felt like telling them herself.We spoke on FB chat, she told me I have two half brothers (I already knew) who didn't know about me, and that her parents did. I've seen them both on Facebook, my BM tagged them so I'd know. She also sent me a friend request, which I accepted (limited profile). Well, during our conversation on FB chat, she asked me to give her my number, which I did, I asked for hers (she dodged my request), and we were supposed to talk the next Wednesday of Thursday. She didn't call either day, so I called her (I have all her contact info)on Firday night... she hung op on me the second she realized who it was.I tried calling again, giving her a chance to say we'd been disconnected or whatever... she didn't answer.I sent her an email apologizing if my call had surprised her, and saying I'd be here when and if she wanted to contact me. I ended the message saying I wanted nothing from her other than information and a relationship if she wanted it, and I explained about the HUGE void I'd had my whole life. I told her I hoped she would want to get to know me.She didn't answer, she even opened a new Facebook account (!?), but never blocked me.I sent her a new message telling her how hurt and rejested I felt, and asked if she'd mind if I got in touch with my grandparents (who knew about my existence), since I don't have any.She still didn't answer. After a hectic weekend, I was going to call or email them yesterday... but when I opened my email, I saw she had replied.She only said that it was a bad time for her, and that her parents were elderly and she wished I would hold out on contacting them. She said that she would be in touch with me, and in a sneaky way said that she couldn't give me information about other people (my dad), that she didn't have the right... I don't even have his name.Bottom line, my feeling about her, I don't believe her. I have never felt more rejected in my life, I've been crying for a month over anything. I want to get in touch with my grandparents, I think I could have more in common with them than her (from her pictures I see her lifestyle isn't very compatible with mine, but I was completely willing to ignore that).Please help me!! And please be kind... Thanks...
Hi everybody, thank you all so much for taking the time to answer...SoniaRose, I know you're right, she needs time and I can UNDERSTAND that, but my head says one thing and my heart another. The only way I can describe it is insanity. What I meant when I said I wouldn't tell anyone that she didn't want to tell and that I didn't want to disrupt her life was not to tell anyone who didn't know about me to start with. But again, you are totally right, I can't argue with your points... Thank you.Hummermom, I'm sorry you were in anyway offended with my comments, but there's a lot of backstory to them. I tried, and I think I succeeded in not sounding judgemental at all. She does not have to defend her life to me in any way. The first thing I did when she wrote back the first time was thank her for her choice and love. By the way, I am 34, my brothers are 31 and 29.I only have myself to blame, my expectations were too high. The comment you make about my contact being out of the blue, well that's my first issue... I don't think she ever looked for me... I had hoped she had :(I grew up in a huge house, great school, clothes, medical care, etc... but also a huge house with emotional, verbal and physical abuse (never sexual) by my mom, who made us feel dirty for being adopted and ALWAYS let me and my siblings know that we could just as easily lose our "second" set of parents. I have probably gotten maybe 5 hugs and kisses from her MY WHOLE LIFE. I am love starved. I had my daughter at 18, which was no coincidence, I'd always wanted a piece of me to love and who would love me back unconditionally. She very probably saved my life. My mom was never actually diagnosed as bi-polar, but I'm pretty sure she is. She's better now, but it hasn't gone away. She would fly off the handle for the smallest thing.I have felt unworthy of love, I know this might be unreasonable on my part, but her reluctance makes me think I'm right. I'm sorry if I sound whiny or unreasonable... it's hard for me not to be regarding this sitation. I so hope it turns out for the best.I hope everything turned out great for your family, I wish you the best of luck...Thanks!
Advertisements
freakymogwai
Hi everybody, thank you all so much for taking the time to answer...SoniaRose, I know you're right, she needs time and I can UNDERSTAND that, but my head says one thing and my heart another. The only way I can describe it is insanity. What I meant when I said I wouldn't tell anyone that she didn't want to tell and that I didn't want to disrupt her life was not to tell anyone who didn't know about me to start with. But again, you are totally right, I can't argue with your points... Thank you.Hummermom, I'm sorry you were in anyway offended with my comments, but there's a lot of backstory to them. I tried, and I think I succeeded in not sounding judgemental at all. She does not have to defend her life to me in any way. The first thing I did when she wrote back the first time was thank her for her choice and love. By the way, I am 34, my brothers are 31 and 29.I only have myself to blame, my expectations were too high. The comment you make about my contact being out of the blue, well that's my first issue... I don't think she ever looked for me... I had hoped she had :(I grew up in a huge house, great school, clothes, medical care, etc... but also a huge house with emotional, verbal and physical abuse (never sexual) by my mom, who made us feel dirty for being adopted and ALWAYS let me and my siblings know that we could just as easily lose our "second" set of parents. I have probably gotten maybe 5 hugs and kisses from her MY WHOLE LIFE. I am love starved. I had my daughter at 18, which was no coincidence, I'd always wanted a piece of me to love and who would love me back unconditionally. She very probably saved my life. My mom was never actually diagnosed as bi-polar, but I'm pretty sure she is. She's better now, but it hasn't gone away. She would fly off the handle for the smallest thing.I have felt unworthy of love, I know this might be unreasonable on my part, but her reluctance makes me think I'm right. I'm sorry if I sound whiny or unreasonable... it's hard for me not to be regarding this sitation. I so hope it turns out for the best.I hope everything turned out great for your family, I wish you the best of luck... Thanks!
I'm sorry to hear that you had an unhappy childhood with your afamily, and as an adoptee, I certainly understand the need to feel loved. Unfortunately, it seems that there are many adoptees who end up in dysfunctional afamilies.
So I do empathize with you, but I also think that when you approach your bmom, you shouldn't say much at all about the difficulties with your afamily at this time. Your bmom might feel guilty that you weren't placed with a good family -- most every bmom gives up her baby to give him/her a better life, and it is certainly disappointing if she learns that that was not true. She might pull away from you because of that sadness and guilt. Your bmom also might end up pulling away if she worries that she can't deal with your emotional issues -- her own emotions are spiraling out of control knowing that you have found her, and she might not be able to handle that you have pain as well. Maybe you can try to sit back and see the situation from her point of view.
I know this is really difficult, and you've had to overcome a lot in your life, but I still think it's better to try to put on a good front for your bmom at the beginning -- you don't have to tell her everything right now. Take it slow, and work on becoming her friend -- don't make her nervous about contacting your bgrandparents and or telling you who your bfather is. Those issues can wait until later. You might be inadvertently overwhelming her. She needs time to process that you are now in her life.
Good luck to you.
Freaky, Some Mothers don't feel they have the right to search because they surrendered us. They also feel because of that it is up to the adoptee to make that decision. Just so you understand it sometimes has nothing to do with whether they wanted to search or not... To answer your other question - no my father does not want contact. It hurt, but now not so much. I do have an ongoing relationship with some of my mothers family that is very easy going, but some were unsure at first. Kind regards,Dickons
Hummermom: You didn't make me feel worse, you helped me! It's always best to have insight from all sides, and birthmothers are entitled to their feelings too... I really do thank you :)SoniaRose: Thanks for the advice, I thought so, too, and she knows nothing about it... she's only seen smiling pictures of me.Dickons: THANK YOU... that is very helpful.I'll let you know how this evolves... I wish you all the best in your relationships, too! You have been very kind and helpful :)
Advertisements
Be patient, be aware that her parents may be not just elderly but no longer capable of understanding much. For example when I found my son just after my mom died (at 92!) I knew she wouldn't have been able to respond anymore. Also, she and I had never been able to talk about the adoption after it happened. FOR 37 YEARS. They might not even have ever known! I knew someone who never told her family about her pregnancy, much less her decision.
There might be things going on in her family & life that have to be resolved first. She would have to tell her future husband, who may not know. If she had kids, they might not know. You get the idea. Explaining all this years later isn't easy. Until you try, you don't realize how much things have changed.
Living for years pretending (but not feeling like) it never happened isn't easy and it's an adjustment.
I hope it changes soon--I was so excited to find my son, even though he lives far away and we only talk rarely now, and he's busy and has his own life.
Don't give up, and I wish you both the best!
Hello Everyone! I wanted to give you an update and ask for more advice... It is now almost three months later, I have held off on contacting my grandparents, I have not sent my bmom any more messages, other than a very brief one wishing her the best on her wedding day.
My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, I had decided that if she forgot about it or decided not to say anything I would just go ahead and contact my grand parents (who know about me) to see if they would like a relationship with me. But she did, which I'm confused about, because her message was simply: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"...
I've seen pictures of her wedding, my grandparents look fine!! They are my amom's age, around 75, and they look very youthful and healthy. I would LOVE to have them in my life, my brothers, too... Please advise... I promise to take all of your advice into consideration!
Once again, please be kind, as you all have been until now :)
Hi Everyone! Update: After numerous occasions where my BM and I were on facebook chat together and she never said "hi", I decided to send a message to my grandmother, along with a friend request. That was more than a month ago, and nothing. BUT, my BM then sent me a message telling me to add her sister in law, who was there when I was born (YAY!), and who was a good communicator. I did, and we have been chatting for a couple of weeks, she is the nicest person, and she wants to get us all together!! I am so grateful to my BM and her sister in law!! I'm happy that my BM recognizes that she may not be able to have communication with me right now and gave me the tools (and blessing)to connect with someone who can.Iphone, tell me more about where you're at...I'll keep you posted, thanks for all your support up till now.FM
Advertisements
FM- Congrats on finally finding someone in the family that can communicate! Hang in there! For whatever reason, your bmom and bgrandparents are having difficulties, but it is soooo awesome that you were patient (and tenacious). Good luck with your reunion. As a bmom that was over the moon with contact, I don't want any of you that are looking to ever give up. There are a lot of us out there that are just waiting for the day to fill the hole in our hearts.