My birthdaughter turns 6 today

((((Tam)))) Be kind to yourself today, and all this week.

My heart goes out to you. It's so so hard to not be there with her. What a difficult moment for you. Do you get her cards and write her letters, then save them? If you do, when she ages out and tries to find you (if there's not contact now), it would be pretty super for her to see a stack of heartfelt messages from you. This would be even if you can also send her a card. I say this partly because my mom is dead, and the thing that made me feel the best after she died about how she loved me, was just this tiny little note she had written. Tiny.Do you get pictures and updates? If so, do they make things easier or harder, or is it even possible to know?

(((((Tam))))) Yes, we do understand what you're feeling today. Birthdays are always hard for most first moms. You gave your daughter her life and brought her into the world...and you miss her. It's natural, it's normal, and it's okay to grieve while celebrating her birthday at the same time. And you're right----only women who have walked in your shoes know what you're going through and what you're feeling. I still remember my son's 6th birthday, just like it was yesterday (he's almost 39 now!) I had an especially hard time with that birthday for some reason. And even though we've been reunited for almost 21 years now, his birthdays are still hard and bring up many emotions and memories. Be kind to yourself, especially for the next few days. I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers tonight... :loveyou:

I get pictures sporadiclly (the aparents are not great at keeping in touch) and it always thrills me when I get them in the mail. I love your idea about keeping a stack of cards and notes for her. Since her parents don't seem interested in keeping up a relationship, I feel awkward sending cards and letters to her. Do they even give hem to her? Does she even know who I am? I don't know, because other than a letter and pics last year, I haven't heard from them since she was 3. Its frusrating.Anyway, thanks for your idea about the cards and letters. I think I will do that!

Raven, thanks so much for your kind words and your support. It does help knowing that there are other women out there who know what it is like to be a bmom.

I understand feeling awkward about sending letters and pictures, but I would encourage you to do so anyway. Even if the relationship with your aparents is one sided, even if you don't know for sure if your daughter is getting your correspondence, send them. And keep copies of everything you send. Your daughter wil know you were thinking of her and you will have a nice foundation built with her over the years if she does get them. If she doesn't get them, you still have the knowledge that you did everything possible to reach out to her, and if she ever seeks you out, you can tell her yourself you did, in fact, keep the updates coming from your end (and have copies to prove it!). Sometimes aparents think if we don't write that we have "moved on" and they are afraid of "opening the wound." I always found as a birth mother that because my position was "one down" and I had absolutely no rights, it was often terrifying to write letters. I was afraid if I said the "wrong thing," I would be cut off. I was also afraid to say how I really felt, because I didn't want to burden my child or aparents with heavy emotions. It was such a balancing act! So I do know it is hard to write, despite wanting to. Maybe just keep it simple, a few pics and a nice note. That might encourage them to respond to you, and perhaps you can get the ball rolling on your updates once more (it is not a crime, either, to ask if you can have an updated photo--but I know it's so hard to do). Birthdays for me were always sort of bitter sweet. I didn't get really depressed, but I would definitely remember my son and have him on my mind more than usual. I remember after my son was already grown, talking to another birthmom in a support group, and she said she still celebrated her daughter's birthday every year with a little cake and a candle and sang "happy birthday" to her. Even though she did not know where she was, she celebrated from afar. I loved that idea, and thought "why didn't I think to do that all those years!" So I started doing it about 5 or 6 years ago. It's a lovely way to remember your child and send loving positive energy (and a great excuse to eat cake!). I know you are hurting (naturally so) and it is hard at this time, but if you can, I would really encourage you to celebrate your beautiful daughter on her special day. Now that my son and I are reunited, I can tell him Happy Birthday directly and for the first time, sent him a birthday present just this past December. It was wonderful! I hope someday you will do the same with your daughter!! :grouphug:

Just Peachy, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I hadn't thought about the aparents being afraid of "opening a wound" (althougth we all know that the wound is, and always will be, open). I have been racking my brain worried that I did or said something that made them not want to hear from me. Maybe its not me. I don't know.I have been thinking seriously about writing to them and telling them how I am feeling about not having contact. Being a birthmom is so much harder than I thought it was going to be! I was so naive :(