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I have committed a moral crime. One that serves a life long sentence I was suspect of this sentence before I placedŅ.yet I placed. My decision, no pressure nor influence by anyone. I have been serving my sentence as a model prisoner for many years now thou no matter what.I will never be released. This is my home.
What a chameleon I have become. People in my life regard me as strong, independent, successful, a wife and mother envied by others, an awesome daughter and sister, an aunt any child would desire, and so many other things.
Those who know my crime know that only a select few will enter on visiting day.
Every now and then, when I feel that I may have done enough œwork to earn myself a day-pass. I would test my sentence and share my crime with a friend or loved one. Sometimes I wonder if I do share in an effort to share myself or is it really to confirm that I will never be released.
This is not prison, there are no guards, no barsԅ..apparently I can leave whenever I desire? Really, I can? Truth is I do not need bars, guards, or prison because I am the best condemner there is. No one can punish me like I can. No one can say anything that I have not told myself. No one can think anything that I have not thought of myself.
I do have jealousy for those who have been released but at the end of the day I truly believe that they are foolin themselves. Perhaps if I am so good at foolinҒ everyone else, I surely can fool myself. Can I fake it until I make itӔ? Have you? How, litterally?
A disclaimer..no worries, I am not in distressŅ..just venting :eyebrows:
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I too think of myself as serving a life sentence. I don't condem myself. I know that I made the right decision for my son. However, I also know that other people will judge me harshly for being a birthmother so I feel that I have to keep that a secret for the rest of my life. I feel like having to keep this secret is a life sentence. Also, the son that I placed is grown now. I have reached out to him but he has, so far, refused to have any contact with me. Sometimes I feel like he is imposing a life sentence on me by denying me the chance to meet him and talk to him. I love him. I did the only thing I could do for him at the time of his birth. I thought about him and missed him every day of his life. I am afraid that I may have to feel this pain for the rest of my life if he does not come around. I do not feel that it is fair that I should be subjected to this much pain for the rest of my life because I was young and dumb and did the best I could in a bad situation. I know that we feel like we are serving a life sentence for different reasons. I just wanted you to know that there is someone else out here who is in the cell next to yours.
Well, the only positive thing I can think of right now is at least we don't have to serve our time in solitary confinement. We have each other, ladies....and that's so incredibly important.
It is a life sentence...at least it has been for me. Who knew that the decisions a 16-year-old girl would make on behalf of her baby would have such serious lifelong repercussions? I certainly didn't...
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I agree with the life sentence sentiment. Even though I did the best I could with the information and experience I had at the time, I was completely caught off guard by the maternal instinct and love that came with his birth. I think it is the (unrequited?)love we feel that keeps our chains on. I've always been pretty open about my son, so it wasn't a matter of hiding him and my decision that has held me back, it's that I can't stop loving him, pining for him. It's having all this emotion towards him and no place to put it. It's also the guilt I feel towards how I felt during the pregnancy. I was terrified and alone the entire time. I did not want to be pregnant and it wasn't until I held him in my arms that it all clicked for me. I have such guilt over the the things I thought during pregnancy. That's where I'm stuck, that's why I am serving this life sentence.Even though I don't post often, I am incredibly grateful for all of you. I have learned a lot and am so happy that there are so many of you that are willing to share your experiences so we can help each other heal.
I too have felt in a "prison" of sorts, largely of my own making. Any time I have opened up to someone about the daughter I gave up, I have regretted it. Even after reunion, I am very careful about who to talk to [although I am a little more open now than before, mostly by necessity... to explain trips, etc.]. I still feel like any "angst" or difficulties I am having with the reunion is a topic almost no one wants to hear about. sigh. So that part of the sentence is not self-imposed.
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soprano
I still feel like any "angst" or difficulties I am having with the reunion is a topic almost no one wants to hear about. sigh..
That is the great part of connecting with other first parents............you cannot begin to comprehend unless you've been there.
Menu/Tam, don't be so hard on yourselves. I am 31 years in and still trying to "believe" that I did the "right" thing. Yes, Bson is healthy, says he's happy, and I eventually married bdad who never seemed to look back. We have 2 other beautiful adult children but that has never been "enough" for me, as my family reminds me. It is a prison, and there is no parole. Solitary confinement, or not, as much as I accept and am grateful for my other inmates, nothing eases the pain. Once accepted though, it does get easier, or should I say, I get better at hiding my feelings.
keds
Menu/Tam, don't be so hard on yourselves. I am 31 years in and still trying to "believe" that I did the "right" thing. Yes, Bson is healthy, says he's happy, and I eventually married bdad who never seemed to look back. We have 2 other beautiful adult children but that has never been "enough" for me, as my family reminds me. It is a prison, and there is no parole. Solitary confinement, or not, as much as I accept and am grateful for my other inmates, nothing eases the pain. Once accepted though, it does get easier, or should I say, I get better at hiding my feelings.
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