Advertisements
We have two little girls that we are going to be adopting next month. There has been a long time between TPR of birth mom (April) and adoption date due to one of their birth father's living in Mexico and the time it requires to terminate his parental rights. At the TPR hearing I spoke with birth mom, her attorney, and GAL about how we would love to have an open adoption because things had been so great between mom and our family it should be pretty smooth.
During the time from TPR until now birth mom has gotten more and more irritable and has gone so far as to tell us we are horrible people, that her kids need her and will never be ours. She demands visits and phone calls, when we explain that until the adoption goes through we are unable to allow them, as the social worker and GAL both have stated that she can't have contact until then. She screams at us telling us that we are going back on our word and that she will tell her daughters that we are keeping them apart. During this time minus a 2 month period where I had enough and ignored every email and text message she sent me, I have calmly answered every email and text message stating time and time again that our goal is to allow an open adoption once our adoption is finalized.
Last week she told me that we can't change their last names when we adopt them and that if we find it necessary we should just hyphenate them. I didn't respond, but we are definitely changing the girls' last names as well as their middle names. We are also going to change the one little girls first name and have been calling her by her new first name since the TPR went through. Birth mom does not know this yet either. I know she is going to freak out and never respect this at all.
Two weeks ago our fd had her birthday and we did allow birth mom to send a card and gift that will be given to her after the adoption is finalized. We opened the gift and card when it came and on the card it was filled with lots statements that totally go against everything we are working on with our 6 year old, such as No one will ever love you as much as I do and This is only a temporary separation I will get you back someday. She then signed the card love your one true Mommy. Of course not only does this make my dh and I very angry I can only imagine the message this would send our fd (who is RAD) about her situation in our house. FD turned 6 and birth mom sent her make-up, not the play kind but a full on make-up kit.
So, my question is...How do we handle our open adoption when she shows no interest of trying to be supportive of our family? Do we just explain to her that it won't be possible to have visits until she is able to handle it, but that we will provide pictures and update letters? Are we being unreasonable of our expectations of her grieving process?
Like
Share
Do you have an open adoption agreement? If not, I definitely would not allow visits. She is not being supportive and based on the message in the card, I believe it would not be in their best interest. Your family needs to move on and if she is saying those things, it tells me, she will never allow it. IMO
Advertisements
No, we don't have an open adoption agreement...we just talked about how much it would benefit the kids if we had one. We also never really talked about what kind of open adoption arrangement we would want once we did adopt the girls. I assumed we would just have visits every so often and phone calls because at that time things were going so smoothly that half the time my dh and I were supervising visits. It wasn't until about a month after the TPR that things turned bad because she wasn't allowed any contact with the girls due to the social worker and the GAL's wishes until after the adoption was finalized.
The biggest part of me just hopes she is still grieving her loss and lashing out because of it. That way things can start to smooth out and then my girls will still be able to have contact with her.
If I were you, I would just tell her once the adoption is finalized, you need that 6 month adjustment period, (which everyone will tell you is needed) before you can discuss visits. In the meantime offer letters and pictures. If after that time is up, slowly restart contact, but do not set up visits until you are 100% confident, she is on board. I truly believe it'll only upset and confuse the girls. I'm in a similar situation with our fs's bgm. I send letters and pictures, but will not have visits until after that 6 month period is over and even then, only if she will honor my wishes. Good luck to you
From what you wrote, the bio mom, in my opinion is coming to terms with the finality of all of this. Some of the foster/adopt moms I am friendly with run into the bio parents at the mall and still call the children by their former names. Say they will be calling the agency and it will be soon they will be visiting again to get them back. They reassure these girls they are still their mom and dad and so on.... The girls have stated again and again they wish no contact. Bio family is in denial.
I too would certainly wait the 6 months after the adoption has taken place. You don't have to tell her now that their names are being changed/adjusted. I think the bio mom is suffering enough with the TRP being finalized. Because of her outbursts and statements, I would also change their ss#, not just their names on the current #. Our lawyer and SW have recommended this to our family. It is amazing what an injured person will do when pushed. Keep yourselves safe.
When things settle down, I would see if this woman has collected herself and is willing to do things on your terms. If not, no contact. I have one bio mom that still doesn't except the fact that this is a forever thing.
If she doesn't comply after the 6 month date. I would send pics and a letter, once a year to the agency and let the agency forward them to her. At least she can see for herself the children are safe and she needs to move on with her own life.
Good luck to you!
Advertisements
No, we don't have an open adoption agreement...we just talked about how much it would benefit the kids if we had one. We also never really talked about what kind of open adoption arrangement we would want once we did adopt the girls. I assumed we would just have visits every so often and phone calls because at that time things were going so smoothly
Well said "sunshinemomma". Just goes to show that you learn something new every day. I never thought of using the resource of a therapist and sitting down in professional setting with bio mom/dad and adoptive parents. Coodo's to you! Thanks for that. I believe I will be putting that in my own list of possiblities for upcoming (possible) adoptions! Going to a therapist could be very very beneficial for both sides. Thanks again for your thread!
I think birthmom is in denial. You do not say why the children were taken from her in the first place, but if the SW and GAL do not want her to have contact, red flags are going up for me. We did a relative adoption (my sister's kids), but my sister had no visits (due to not following through with treatment and then being jailed for vehicular assault) until long after the adoption finalized and she got her life back together. We agreed to an open adoption with the BF, but he actually wanted the kids in our care and was following up with supervised visitation (supervised by DSHS due to again due to not following through with treatment) for a long time while we were fostering them.
We agreed to the open adoption agreement because it was clearly written in a way which kept us in charge of the contact. We agreed to send an update letter and picture every year and that we could also grant visits based on what our family felt was best for the children. We did not promise visits, just that we would consider them. The wording was a godsend in the end, so make sure you carefully review with your lawyer before signing.
The BF actually withdrew for about a year after the adoption. He did not go wacky like your birthmom, but everyone handles things differently. He occasionally would show up at my work and ask about the kids (I worked at the same store for 12 years, so I was ok with this). I would give him my number (again) and tell him I would allow him and his other children to call and talk to the children, but he didn't follow through. Finally, he was in a situation (got married to the mother of his other kids) where he was a little more stable and started calling once a week. He then asked to visit, I agreed, supervised at my house by myself & DH. He came regularly once a month for a couple months. Then, it was back to calling & cancelling with excuses (which I didn't believe). I actually believed it was getting too emotional and raw for him and he was trying to distance himself, but just didn't have the internal stoppers to set his own limits (he has FAS, ADHD, and was adopted himself). Well, this behavior was becoming difficult for my son. He was 15 months when he was removed from his BP, so he remembers his dad. My daughter was 2 months, so she only really knows what people have told her. I had a long talk with my son's therapist and she reminded me that I am the parent and the open adoption agreement is set up so that I am in charge, I am the one who needs to set limits. So, I told him he was not to tell the children he was going to visit (because all the broken promises hurt them) and that he was welcome to visit the first Saturday afternoon every other month if he contacted me by the Wednesday before and made arrangements with me. I did let the therapist take the blame a little to deflect any anger off of me, but you do what you have to. He has not called or visited for probably six months, but I figure he will eventually and I will set limits again to assure the visits are in the best interest of the children. He does contact me through FB occasionally and I update him on the kids. I also asked him for his address and sent him their school pics. for Christmas.
Again, I think it is really hard to know exactly what is going through the BP minds. I cannot imagine what it is like to give up or lose a child. The suggestions for a six month reprieve I think are a very good idea, birthmom needs to grieve, not seeing or hearing from the kids for that period is a way to push this a little. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't denial the first stage of grieving, too? And again, I am a huge fan of open adoption agreements, but it has to be written where you are the parent and in charge and you pick what's best for your child. I would also say less might be more in this case. Like I said, the wording of mine was very generic but clearly stated me & DH would grant visits based on what we felt was best for our children. There are no promises, therefore I have the option of saying no and explaining how the situation needs to be fore visits to happen.
BTW - I have heard that in some states BP cannot force AP to follow through on the open adoption agreement. What is the purpose, then? Just hope for the good will of the AP?