Stay at home parent bias by the adoption agency

Hear, hear! Is there any way your wife could work part time? I'm a SAHM and we're not wealthy (although we're certainly grateful for what we do have.) I think there are more families like us than you might think. Having me home has been great for our son. I know it can be scary leaving a job, though. Maybe part time could be a good compromise.

Two thoughts about this:I adopted through a private FFA in California as well and later went through the orientation with our local county. FFA families have more requirements and get more support because we have our own SW to advocate for us. So, in general, the counties see us as a resource for kids who have higher needs. FFA's don't always advertise that fact, but my local county was very clear about it - and it makes perfect sense if you think about it. That was, in fact, the rational for funding FFA's to being with. The counties will go to their own families first for placement, and will only call an FFA family if they don't find a match. We are given a higher reimbursement rate than county families, so we cost them more, too. (Again, the reason for that, in theory, is that we take the kids who have higher needs or are harder to place.) And in this economy, that makes a difference to them. This does NOT mean that you won't find a match. For example, we were matched with a healthy baby boy from an inland county several hours away. Why? They didn't have any fost-adopt families available through that county open to a "full AA" boy. So "harder to place" can mean a lot of different things and you can be matched through any nearby county. Still, it's important to be aware that from the counties' perspectives, we are their second option when they can't find the right family for a child in county. You said you are open to white or Hispanic, younger children with few special needs. (Are you open to sibling groups?) DON'T change your parameters if you feel that is what will be right for your family. But be aware that it COULD make your wait longer because, in general, it is easier to find fost-adopt families for those children.About the uncertainty - Are you open to concurrent planning? Even when you are waiting for a child where the legal risk is low - there is still a risk. Probably your point was simply that the cost would be bearable if there was no uncertainty involved - and, of course, there is a level of uncertainty in ANY adoption. But in foster adoption, where you usually wait months for TPR and things can change very unexpectedly, there is far, far more of it than in private adoption. You have to go into it prepared for that, because the wait after you have a child in your home is hard. In my experience, it was MUCH harder than the wait for a match, and our son's case was very simple by foster care standards. This is not to discourage you, because I have no regrets and if we were to adopt again, we would absolutely do a foster adoption. But I think many of us are not well prepared for the realities when we first go into it. We always have to keep in mind that the point of foster care is reunification, not adoption. And even when our wish is to adopt, our obligation is to support that goal.

As an experienced foster and adoptive parent - I would say that an internationally adopted parent NEEDS a stay at home parent even more than a domestically adopted older child does. For a variety of reasons - but mostly for the well being of the child. Think about it - if a kid is coming into a family from an orphanage setting, then loses their country, language, culture and everything familiar, and then in turn is placed into a family that immediately (or within the first year) places the child into ANOTHER institutionalized setting (multiple children, multiple caregivers, bonding and contact with parents for very few hours per day) the damage can be long term. If you are honestly unable or unwilling to take a significant period of time off work, unless you can provide at home caregiving with a long term caregiver that you understand the child will form a significant attachment to - I would STRONGLY advise you against older child adoption

I am a single working mom and had no problems adopting from the foster care system. Being a SAHM was never mentioned. Of course since I was single, that would never have been an option. At first as I was open to most ages of children in foster care and then I started thinking about all of the possible behavior issues that these children may have. There was a strong possibility of having to take off work if there were school issues or whatever else came our way. That is when I decided on only taking babies. I got the call for my son four days after being certified. I had the summer off of work so I was able to bond. My son's bio sister came a year later I again had the summer off to bond with her. It's funny because now I'm disabled and I am a SAHM and guess what? My kids are mad because they can't go to the afterschool program. LOL! Here I had felt so guilty about my son having to go in Kindergarten and now they are both mad that they can't go this year. The right child for you WILL come. It does not always happen quickly. Relax and settle in for the ride.

So, I want to summarize in a nutshell my thoughts about the various kinds of adoption discussed here: International adoption:Wait can be long now, since many countries are now closed to out-of-country adoptions.Kids tend to be toddlers or older. Kids have often been institutionalized.Between the institutional backgrounds and the complete culture shock of a new environment, kids can go through real trauma upon homecoming. Often need parenting strategies that are much more intensive then if you are raising a child from birth. Foreign governments may not CARE if you have a SAHP, but the kids themselves often need that kind of stability. Adoption from Foster Care:Sometimes infants, but often older kids.Your SW can advocate for you, but at the end of the day it's a county decision. And they are thinking of the kids' needs, NOT the potential parents.Most kids are in foster care because of some instability in their backgrounds, and thus (especially with an older child) benefit highly from a SAHP. But it's case by case -- as interpreted by the county's case worker (or whoever the decision maker is). They must also take into account # of past placements of a child, chance of reunification with birth family (legal risk), special needs, race, # of siblings, etc. etc. It's a complicated calculation. Domestic Private adoption:Tends to be infants (birth - 6 mos)Generally, birth parents are the decision maker. Some want to see a SAHP, some don't care. Some want certain religious backgrounds, ethnic backgrounds, etc. It completely depends on the individual.Birth parents have the right to change their until a certain amount of time has past - how much time depends on the state. This uncertainty is difficult for some.Assuming you have the child from infanthood, you can generally approach childcare the way you would a child you gave birth to. Though it also depends on a child's innate personality. None of these are perfect options. All involve risks and uncertainty. All involve at times being dependant on other people. That's just the way it is. I can tell you I have two kids through adoption, and my husband and I both work. DD was adopted internationally at 8 months back when such a thing was possible (it's EXTREMELY rare now). My husband was able to take several months off when she came home. If I had it to do over again I WISH we'd found a way to have someone be a SAHP for longer with her. Even coming home at 8 months, she has some anxious attachment issues that we are still dealing with. My DS was a domestic infant adoption; we waited 9 long months once we were paper ready for a match, and then it ended up being unexpectedly legal risk because his birth mom disappeared before signing the final papers. Things are moving ahead fine, but we still haven't finalized. The uncertainty and wait have been have been agonizing at times. It has all been worth it. I LOVE MY KIDS. But adoption is not for the faint of heart. :)

Please just remember that adoption is a business for them. And they want your business. Make sure you verify that what they 'claim' is a reality. What country are you considering?

Considering Russia, Ukraine. Open to latin countries.

I read through most of the replies and you have gotten some great advice and support. What I personally took from all these posts is that no matter which route you choose you are most likely not going to be satisfied by the process. All adoptions take time. All placements will have teamings to determine whether the children fits your family dynamics. My children didn't "need" a stay at home parent as a requirement for placement. After they arrived and were settled in WE realized that they did need one of us to stay at home. We are by no means wealthy. We live moderate lives and go without some fun stuff. We made the choice to live this life because the childrens needs. Sounds like the SW'ers know what the children NEED and the ones you submitted for weren't a good fit. Consider yourself blessed that they are not placing a child with you that needs more then you are able to give. It is a disservice to the children and yourself. Best of luck!

If you are going with international, really, really do your homework. Don't just jump quickly to something else because fost-adopt seems too frustrating. As Saya and others have said, ANY type of adoption has it's challenges. Make sure you have read up on the potential ethical issues in international adoption and that the agency you use is one with high ethical standards. Be aware that Russia, for example, does not acknowledge things like attachment disorder or FASD and that those are common issues. Make sure you read carefully about issues with attachment. People here are telling you that putting a child who has been in an institution and has just been taken to a new country with a different culture and language into childcare right away may not be the right thing to do. LISTEN to them and really take into account the possible issues that may come your way. You have to be patient and recognize that things in adoption are not necessarily going to go exactly the way you plan them and on the timetable you would like them too.

I seriously doubt that an international adoption will be easier on you than foster care adoption of a white or hispanic child in California. If you have the kind of money to spend that you could do a Russian adoption, you will be able to adopt much more quickly in the US. Perhaps you should talk to your current agency and find out if you can use your homestudy for private domestic adoption simultaneously with being on the foster waiting list. Just following this thread, it sounds like private domestic adoption would be the best fit for you. You don't sound like you are in this out of a strong desire to help a child in need (nothing wrong with that). You are risk adverse. You want more ability to control the selection process by humans and less bureacracy. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with having two working parents and it sounds like that is how you want your family to be. The best fit for those things is private domestic adoption. Honestly, if THIS is driving you crazy at this point, an international adoption will put you in the nut house!

I agree with the two posts above this (Oak and Nevada.) I was just going to say on your other thread that it's extremely important with international (and domestic as well, I'm sure) to research an agency carefully before signing up. There are unethical agencies out there, and countries have even closed to adoption due to unethical practices. You don't want to find out later that your child was fraudulently brought into care by unscrupulous people!

Lots of lengthy and thougtful posts out there. I appreciate every one of them. The international adoption agency I am considering has been used widely throughout my company and, apparently, has a stellar reputation.

Nobody really knows how long it's going to take...estimates are just guesses and your mileage may vary - a lot. Took us a few years from start to finish on our first adoption...our paperwork took forever mostly because we couldn't get a good set of fingerprints for the homestudy, that threw us for a loop. Your parameters and how strict or flexible they are play a huge role too. We went the independent route via an attorney and found birthparents who didn't care if we were stay at home parents or not.We looked into international but decided against it because we wanted a newborn and weren't in a position to take several weeks off work just to travel. Good luck, whatever path to adoption you pursue!

I do think this thread has probably run its course and I cannot express enough my appreciation for all the thoughtful advice and comments. I would like to leave everybody with one last thing because I'm sure I did not make this clear in the beginning. The main reason my wife and I feel duped by the process is because our agency, our SW, never told us 11 months ago that there was a probability that we would be excluded from many desirable matches because, after our 3-month bonding period, we both intended to return to work. We were told that a stay-at-home is preferred but, hey, duh, that's a no-brainer. I think most of us would love to take an extended time at home if we can swing it. We were never told that we would be disciminated against because neither of us intended to be a stay at homer. Had they disclosed this reality we almost certainly would have taken a different route. An open adoption perhaps. Maybe international. Because they were not forthright in the beginning, we feel like we've lost nearly a year in time and money.

Trying to get to sleep here but, hold on.... Will try to post later.