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Have any of you experienced a similar situation with the kids birth mother?
1) From the beginning, mom won't allow anyone to cut the 1 yr old's hair. He is a boy and his hair is down past his shoulders, he often is mistaken for a girl.
O.K. we can live with that one, we just pull it back in a ponytail to keep it out of his face. (Mom hates this and frequently complains to the case worker about it).
2)After the first few visits, mom received her income tax money and bought the kids tons of gifts. I think that's great, but she takes most of the stuff back with her afterwards so the kids can only play with it during the visit. (this includes a football)
3)She bought them new shoes and she didn't return the ones they were wearing except one of the 5 year old's shoes and one of the 4 yr old's. BTW-the shoes they were wearing were not old, ripped or dirty but they were not a famous brand name so maybe that's why she didn't like them.
4)She changed the 1 yr old's clothes during one visit because they made him look "girly". (uh-I think the long hair does that enough on it's own).
5)She bought the 2 older boys new baseball caps and demanded that the boys wear the hats to the next visit. (she called our caseworker twice to remind us of this).
5)She bought the oldest a cheap chrome-painted chain-necklace yesterday and told the case worker that it must be worn at all times, 24/7.
6)Mom told case worker that the two older boys must have "fade" haircuts with a #2 on top and #1 on bottom. (we've taken them to get haircuts before this 'demand' and they just had simple boy haircuts).
7)The oldest boy complained of a tooth ache at the last visit (he'd never complained about it before-it must've just started hurting). The mom took pictures of the tooth.
WTH? Is this typical?
So far, we are just trying to 'go with the flow' and comply with the small requests but it's getting worse as the weeks go by.
Any ideas why she's being like this?
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Oh so sorry you have to deal with this! To some parents, it's now the only control they have, so they use it. The haircut issue, I know, it's frustrating. We had the exact same issue with a four year old who kept getting mistaken for girl because his hair was so long. However, we could not cut it. And it was not fun to brush after a bath as I guess he was very "tender headed" and brushing was sometimes an ordeal.
The issue with wearing the necklace 24/7 is a safety issue, he could get strangled in it while sleeping. I would absolutely take it off at night and explain to the CW why. I would in no way endanger a child just to keep a bio parent happy. If they don't like that-too bad.
Some of the CW's around here, see through all that stuff right away. I have heard some off the record comments from CW's about how the parents do all these things to get their children taken away and they complain about a dirty face or something at a visit. But there's nothing you can do to keep them from being that way. Hopefully, the mom is also concentrating some of her efforts at also working the rest of her case plan. Rather than just seeing how controlling she can be for visits.
Hang in there!
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This sounds pretty typical to me. Luckily we haven't been in that situation in a while, but yes, there are some parents that want to make sure you know that they are in charge, and yes they can make some decisions. Just dress the kids in the stuff she sends, and have him wear the necklace when he goes. You can ask the caseworker for permission to cut the hair, but it might not happen. Yep, been there done that, I understand how frustrating it is, but yes, pretty typical for some parents.
Sounds typical. Do you have a CASA or a GAL? If so, you can ask(if the CW won't) to have the judge ok a hair cut. Take a pic so they can see how awful it looks. As for the other stuff, she can't control what the kids do or look like when they are in your care and that includes what they wear to visits. Many parents try to control what they think they can, but in the end, they are just showing how they don't care about the stuff that matters. I don't comply with request from parents unless I am told to do so by the CW.
Typical. As my mom would say, "same sh(tuff), different day."
We were dealing with crazy stuff similar to this from our bio mom. Sounds to me like your bio mom is just holding onto the last string of control she thinks she has. And yes, some of her demands sound ridiculous (who the heck thinks letting a kid wear a chain 24/7 is a good idea?), but she probably isn't the most sound person to begin with because she's in the place she is now.
Take a deep breath! You're doing a great job!
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MissCCQ said "To me, it sounds like, she has NO control at all..."
-That nails it. Her kids are absolutely out of control during the visits. The CW told me before we got them (and sometimes since we've had them) the kids would hit and kick their mom, yell at her, tell her she's stupid and call her a motherf__ker. I cringe even when I typed that last part. (side note: They are not like that at all when they are with us. They were at first but now the kids are doing really well. We've even had compliments on their behavior when we are out at restaurants).
Thanks for the support everyone. I admit that it's good to know this is common of moms with kids in FC.
I just have to remind myself and my DH that we must let the little things go as they are not worth fighting over.
It sounds pretty typical of what happens. Let most of this roll off your back. We have dealt with the same situations from clothes, shoes and hair. You can ask the judge for a hair cut, but it may not be worth the fight - as in pick your battles. Also know that your idea of a cute hair cut is different than others, so remember that these kids are NOT yours and you can not impose your values on her and the kids. If she wants a fade, then do that. Personally, I think a fade with the lengths she has stated is really cute on boys.As to the changing at a visit and new shoes -- happens all the time! I just ensured that I sent them in the shoes that the parent provided and wearing the clothes that the parent provided, if they didn't come back it was no skin off my teeth. You gotta be like a duck and let this roll off your back. A way to do that is to laugh about it to yourself... Acknowledge that the behaviors are petty, but, nothing you can do.
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Yep.... it's all about control! And I think we have the same bio we are dealing with!
Bio in our case can't stand me. But I don't take it personally. It isn't me. It's the fact I have her kids and she doesn't. She won't be getting them back - and has even stated such. But she will be making life rough for as long as she can. I hate it - hate visits - but I have to remember it's part of the process.
I am going to get outfits that they wear every visit. That way if they don't come back I don't care. I am also going to stop sending things with the boys. Bio just throws them out anyway (healthy snacks, baby's cereal).
And I am going to slowly start trimming my 2 year old fs's hair and hope she doesn't notice! :eyebrows:
It is not just about control. It is also about Mom trying to show that she's a good and attentive parent. She's trying to prove herself and this is how she thinks she can do so.As for the necklace, I totally agree with talking to the CW about it from a safety standpoint. This is not a cultural thing and even if it was, safety overrides that. Let me give you an example. When A1 and A2 came into care, A1 had a silver chain around his waist. It was totally a cultural thing and is a tool that some families in India use to help keep from overeating. (If the chain is snug, you've eaten too much or need to loose some weight.) The chain was not made of links, it was woven wires and some were sticking up. I asked to remove the chain for the reason that A1 could be cut or punctured by the wires. I was given permission to do so and sent the chain back to Mom at the first visit. We placed it in a jewelry box to show her that we treated it with respect. Mom never asked for us to put another on A1.When C came, there was a silver bracelet from C's first family wrapped triple around the wrist. Again, in front of the CW, I asked permission to remove it. I was given that permission and have it stored safely for C. One day, C will be big enough and I'll pull it out at that time.
Been there done that. It isn't fun and no matter how hard you try to let it not affect you it will at one point or another. Ours would INSIST that the 11m old wear her jacket in her carseat. She was transported AN HOUR EACH WAY!!!! She was always covered in sweat and overheated when she arrived home. The bio's would continuely blame me for her ear infections because I didn't allow her to wear the jacket! Well I had to sit in a 3 hr carseat training (worthless btw) and one "rule" was that the children only had normal clothes maybe a light jacket while strapped in. The SW didn't want to have to deal with the bio and kept asking me to please just let it go. Umm...nope! You wanted a trained foster parent you got one. You can't have it both ways. Plus if they had gotten into an accident and something happened. Yep my fault.In this case I was right and it was a safety issue. Just pick your battles. I would try to comply with most the minor things but if you miss a day with the necklace then just appologize and remind the SW that you are very busy taking care of the children's immediate needs. As to the haircuts. If she wants them a certain way then maybe SHE can take the children to their appointments during a supervised visit. Maybe you could help organize this with the SWAll in all it comes down to the bio not having any control. They think that by control "non issue" stuff is showing good parenting. What it is doing is really the opposite! they are really showing their lack of parenting skills. Hang in there!!! (it will continue :) )
Good Lord you all make me so happy to have the bio I have! We have snack issues with mom (dad is another story but since I dont deal with him directly, it's a non issue other than food)
Our bio is so layed back but I think maybe it's because she is so young? Some of the stuff you are talking about like requiring the kids wear this or that on visits or all the time is not reasonable unless they want to (but thats JMHO) I would think at first thought that your CW needs to get a back bone and let the bio mom know that some things are not going to happen on a regular basis.
I'm feeling lucky today though! lol Sorry your dealing with someone like that.
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o2b30again
Been there done that. It isn't fun and no matter how hard you try to let it not affect you it will at one point or another.
Ours would INSIST that the 11m old wear her jacket in her carseat. She was transported AN HOUR EACH WAY!!!! She was always covered in sweat and overheated when she arrived home. The bio's would continuely blame me for her ear infections because I didn't allow her to wear the jacket! Well I had to sit in a 3 hr carseat training (worthless btw) and one "rule" was that the children only had normal clothes maybe a light jacket while strapped in. The SW didn't want to have to deal with the bio and kept asking me to please just let it go. Umm...nope! You wanted a trained foster parent you got one. You can't have it both ways. Plus if they had gotten into an accident and something happened. Yep my fault.
In this case I was right and it was a safety issue. Just pick your battles. I would try to comply with most the minor things but if you miss a day with the necklace then just appologize and remind the SW that you are very busy taking care of the children's immediate needs.