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Originally we were going to adopt a sibling group of three young men, ages 10, 12, 14 from the foster care system. We were offered to adopt them about a year into having them in our home, but then the system did not terminate parental rights until they were in our home over four years. Since then the oldest boy has left our home after sexually abusing one of our bio kids. We were asked to adopt the two boys. Their ages were 14 and 16. The older boy asked if they could keep their last name because he had his birth father's name. Birth father passed away before they came into the system. My husband and I agreed for the boys to keep their last name. That was about four months ago. Since then, older son turned 17 and shortly left our home and is living with bio grandma and is refusing to have anything to do with us. I suspect self abusive behaviors, such as drugs and alcohol. The two older boys run the streets and have quite a reputation in town. I asked the younger boy how he felt about taking our last name and he flipped out on me. He is special needs, fas, low i.q., and idolizes his older brothers. I explained that when you become part of a family everyone has the same last name so others know that you belong to that family. He refers to his bio family as his real family. He does not call me mom. When he mentioned to his bio mom that it will be cool to have two moms, she started crying on the phone and he kept begging her to stop until I distracted him to get off the phone. He still has regular phone conversations with her. I am starting to wonder if adopting at this point is going to cause more power struggles or if it will seal the deal. I want other's opinions on this matter. It is just a name, but I think it says a lot. I'm wondering if guardianship or permanent foster care is a better choice. He is mad at me and my husband and says that he does not want to change his name. Part of me wants to respect that, but in my heart I believe it will give his bio family ownership of him and they will always convince him that he is not our family.
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I did suggest using both names. He talks to his bio mom sporadically. Last time, he told her it would be weird having two moms when he is adopted and she started crying. I think he is afraid to make her mad or hurt her feelings. Another issue that brings up is how much contact should he have with bio mom. It is not always healthy. She has in the past told the boys that she is their real mother and don't forget that, because dad (who passed away) would never want them to be with anyone else. The fact is, she cannot care for them, but they are struggling with loyalties. The middle son, did call me mom from time to time, when things were going his way and would quickly pull it back if he did not get his way. I wanted to give all three boys a loving, stable home, but I am not sure if it is the right thing, since they are rejecting us. Of course the foster care system, is pushing it. We were going to do a guardianship until the older boy asked if we would adopt him. We went to court and mom relinquished her parental rights and then he bailed.
Doesn't seem to me that he has any understanding of adoption or that he is ready to embrace your family as his. If I were in your position, and having watched my older kids make their choices, I'd look at permanant foster care or guardianship rather then adoption. It seems, from what you've said that he is just waiting until he is able to return to his family and sees you as just his care taker until then.
If he wanted to truely be part of your family and just not change the name, that, I'd not have an issue with, but the name really doesn't seem like the bigger part of what's going on.