Aggravated & Trying to get my child back

Mommy,CALL YOUR LAWYER! Your lawyer needs to be able to succintly answer these issues. And you need to be 100% about bf. If there is *anything*.....And he *has* to know that he must be on his utmost best behavior Friday. His frustration and anger may be righteous as he's being maligned; but he can't give them "see, your honor? He's out of control. What will he do to the baby?!?!?"To TRas: Baby is 5 months old but wasn't taken that long ago. She was in hospital 50 days. Baby was taken based off a misunderstanding because of being interviewed by a hospital shrink/sw immediately after birth (ie, medicated). If I remember right, BF got an attitude with a social worker, but doesn't have any abusive history according to Mommy. It was not in case plan to stay away from him.

Thanks for the details. It seems something is missing from the story. It would have to be in the case plan if she's required to stay away from the "abusive" boyfriend. And if she's completed her case plan, she should be close to RU -- not TPR.You are right -- her attorney needs to clarify things.

They don't take people's babies for no good reason. I'm not trying to be rude at all, I am cynical though. It sounds like, from what you say, that you are a good mother who loves her baby and would protect the baby and care for her. So why did they take her? I'm just saying...if my fd's birth mom was to log onto a foster parent forum I bet she'd convince everyone how wonderful she is, and that she loves her daughters and would do anything for them...yet that is not true and most likely TPR will happen in May. We can only know one side of the story here. They don't just go around taking people's kids. My kids have never been taken. I've never given anyone a reason to do so, there must have been a reason and there must still be a reason why they are hesitant to hand her back--whether we know what that reason is or not. I can not imagine carrying my baby for 9 months, delivering her and then having her handed over to someone else. That is absolutely heartbreaking to imagine. I am sure this is really tough, but I would seriously recommend coming to terms with why she was taken and get to work fixing it the best you can.

I can't imagine your anguish and from previous post it sounds like you are doing a good job documenting everything. I would recommend contacting your lawyer or gettting a 2nd opinion if you do not feel your lawyer is working on your behalf; you will not be able to navigate this system solo and win. I thought you said in your last post that it is a requirement in your area to put them in a pre-adoptive home if they have been in care for more than 3 months? I also thought you said you hadn't missed any visits and the bonding expert said that you were well bonded and should start doing visits 3x per week. You are required to be informed of your visits, they should be at the same time each week. Also, if it looks like they are pursuing TPR and you DO have family that are suitable I would start having them go through the process now to get certified to take them. I would find out if there is anything additional you can do on your plan or if there is anything your BF can do to help 'prove' himself

I know you wrote they had the concerns about your bf in the first post (think it was the first) and that he had anger issues. You say he has NO record, NO arrest's...what are they basing his "anger issues" on? Didnt he get persnickety with someone? I'm NOT judging I am only trying to remember why they think this. Talk to your bf and ask him if he is willing to do a psych eval for them. See if he is willing to meet with a therapist. Above all he needs to dress snappy and keep his mouth shut and if he is spoken to he needs to be very respectful and keep his responses short and to the point. You need to do that too, do not voluteer information! To them it looks like your choosing him over your daughter, do I think that? NO I do not!!!!! I think your living, you seem stable, your able to support your child. My thoughts are based on what you tell us here. It's very late in the game for them to expect you to change homes. I'm gonna throw this out there though, is there a family member close that is willing to allow you and baby to live there for the time frame they deem you to be under their supervision? Not really what you want to do I'm sure but to get her back and not cause the waves to get her taken away again you might consider having another address for which you can move into immediately (like that day) so you can get her back. It's a drag but you can still date him and see him but this may be the only way to get around their concerns....Unless their concerns are warranted? You know if they are, if you know they have reason for concern then you have to re-evaluate the relationship. Good luck, I really hope it works out. ETA: I think there is a LOT of focus on the baby being placed in an adoptive home so soon. Here if the baby is a baby they will put it right into a concurrent home from the start if one is available. In no way does it sound odd or off to me that they put baby in a home willing to adopt her. Now I dont like that the FM keeps saying that she wants to adopt the baby when the goal is NOT adoption at this point....I feel that is hurtful and wrong! I think she has the right to "want" to adopt and to speak of it in "her" circles but to say that to bio mom or in "ear shot" of bio mom is really over stepping her bounds! JMO

When did they take the baby? Directly from the hospital after she was discharged after the 50 days? If so, then they've already had the baby for about three months, right? You said that you have been done with your case plan "for months" in another post. How did you finish your case plan in that short of time, what was required of you?I'm also trying to figure out why they just had the initial hearing now (isn't it supposed to be in the first week or two of care)...and also why they already moved the baby from a foster home to a pre-adopt home.Sorry for all the questions. I am just perplexed by this. I am sure you are so frustrated.

I'm right off suspicious of some of the details here. Victims of domestic violence deny deny deny! It is a documented fact of what happens. When I say "deny" please translate into "denial" of the the situation. Please understand that a person in denial will totally "deny" the situation exists. My first thoughts are that there has to be some documented issues that CPS is concerned over. It does NOT matter if BF has never been arrested or charged. If I am totally wrong about your situation, then so be it. But, in all the years I have been involved in the foster system I have NEVER seen CPS take away children for no reason.We had a domestic violence case that sounds very similar to yours. We received placement of an infant because the BF was being abusive. Mom totally denied it! She kept denying it, and did every single thing the department told her to do, but she kept living with the BF. No return! Finally, she showed up for a visit very obviously beat up. CPS questioned her if she had filed a police report, and guess what, no she hadn't. So, they called the police to the office immediately and he was arrested. He is now serving a number of years in prison. Very shortly after this incident the baby was able to return because BF was totally out of the picture. If there is violence in the house you need to admit it to yourself, then you NEED to leave. There are many organizations out there that will help you!

When I first read your case and your postings, I posted that I thought something might be missing from the story, and then multiple people posted after me that it is wrong to be cynical and base her story off some typical behaviors of biological moms with respect to denial and that victim mentality. It is true that we are only getting one side. Its hard to give advice without knowing both sides. I dont think you're going to get the answers you need in this forum. I think you need to consult with your attorney and/or call a Team Meeting with everyone involved to address your concerns and find out why they are keeping your baby, and why they have concerns about your boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is that he needs to have a psychiatric evaluation to prove he is not what they say he is. The state will probably want one of their own if you request one...so have your lawyer fight whomever their first choice is. The department's 1st choice is going to be their *go to* person who they use lots. That person will likely give the state the evaluation *they* want. Be prepared if necessary to get your own one done too. And as other's said he needs to be on his best behavior.As for the FP being at the adjudication and saying they want to adopt...that's a little early. I had to come to the permanency hearing and declare that I'd adopt if BM couldn't get her back (but I've told you before that BM & I talked about that before and she understood the reasons they do this).I want to say, I think you need to let go of the fact that your child is in a foster to adopt home and that you don't like the foster mom. The feelings you're having are TOTALLY legitimate. but it's done, and it wouldn't be good for your child to be moved again. It makes you seem a little petty to be focusing on this (not to us, but to the people in charge at DHS & the courts), and the judge is not going to side with you on it...so if you bring it up in court it could make you look bad. With the judge and lawyers and stuff make sure you are focusing on what you've done to get your baby back, not what the state has done to wrong you. It sucks what you're going though, but you're in it now, and life doesn't have a rewind button, so just keep facing forward and doing what you need to do to get her back. Fixating on stuff you can't change will just make you angry and upset when you need to be pulled together and focused.Please don't take any of that as a slam. This is a fine place to vent about that stuff. We are safe, DHS on the other hand will use every negative thing they can that you say and do to bolster their case. If you are so focused on getting your baby away from this foster mom because of the way she is acting (which isn't OK IMO) they will find a way to use it against you. I know you said you have a blog, I'd love it if you'd PM me the link. I speak often for my agency about birth parents and working with them to help reunify the family, and I really believe (from what I saw my friend go though) that there are true mistakes in the system. I'd love to read more about your story.(((Hugs)))

they took her oct 28th before her discharge from the nicu to go home, nowhere in plan does it state he is abusive or I should stay away from him...my bf is beyond mad but he has been polite to them the entire time, told them come to the house whenever, doesnt matter, just let me have my child, i never had physical custody of her, real abusers get to keep their kids, what i mean is visits as they never inform me of the drs visits to attend, never give me the list, and it is normal for them to place after 3 months of age but since adjudication was postponed they were supposed to have waited...i did plan so soon because i did parenting while pregnant, did therapy before pregnancy and continuing it to this day and i scheduled psychological week after they took her like my atty told me and i passed it, i am proactive and just want my child, ill pm blog link in a bit, off to therapy i go: ) god bless all

I understand the skeptism. And I tell you that my first fosterkids' biomom still acts like she's parented them all along (they AND subsequent children were adopted...she does have an open relationship with them though). So I know stories can be spun.However, since we all *do* know that CPS makes mistakes AND that not all biomoms are the same, I think it reasonable to be friendly about.At the same time, I think that it is good for you Mommy that some people do bring up the skeptism because they can bring up other things you may need to do, think about, etc. I do hope things go well for you regardless. We are all pro-RU. Ideally, all parents would be willing and able to parent their children. If you are, we want you to have her :)

I have been following your story, and I have to say I agree with what Deb says. There are 2 sides to every story, and we only have yours. Based on what you say, you love your baby and want her back. With that said, if I were in your shoes I would do whatever it took - including leaving bf and moving. Show them you are willing to do whatever you need to. Now in defense of FM - I have a bio that can't stand me. She has hated me from the first second. It has nothing to do with me. She also hates our SW, and anyone she comes in contact with in regards to the case. It is because I have her children and she doesn't. The state took them away, and she feels what she does to them is nobody's business. For her it's a control thing. I am in close contact with her family, and she will openly admit this. I have been nothing but kind. She says I have said and done all sorts of things - none of them true. Doesn't matter to me. It's about the boys, not my relationship with her. If it the case went to TPR, would I adopt these little boys? In a heart beat. You have to understand that we fall in love with these children. We care for them as our own. And isn't that what you would want? The best for your child? If you can't care for her, wouldn't you want someone else to give her all the love and care she needs? If the FM is indeed saying these things to you, she is wrong. I would never say to our bio that I am going to adopt these boys. Because I have no idea if the case will go that way or not. All I can do is love these little guys with all my heart, and take care of them. Because that is my role. Being a foster parent is a hard job. As I have never been in your shoes, I can't even beging to understand how you are feeling. I just wanted to give you some insight to how the FM may be feeling. Also as there are mistakes in the system, they may have told her it was an open & shut case and she would be adopting. That happens all the time. It doesn't mean she will be. I think sometimes we are told what we want to hear beacuse the truth can be hard. With that being said, if you want your little girl back - regardless of why she was taken - then fight for her. Do whatever it takes. Be gracious to the FM. Thank her for caring for your daughter while you work your plan. That you knowing her being safe and loved gives you piece of mind until she is home with you. And when you get her back, be greatful for the piece of FM that will be going with your daughter. It is a gift we give - a part of ourselves to these little ones. And love your little girl with all your heart - and make sure she knows it.

Couldn't have said it better if I tried. Good for you!! Thanks for putting into words what all us foster parents go through and how we love our kiddo's :)

This must be so frustrating and heartbreaking for you. I know that in the case of our kids, mom's inability to stay away from her boyfriend was a big factor in the TPR. HOWEVER, he was well-documented as abusive *and* all of this was clearly spelled out in her plan. You have your own attorney, right? Can you speak to that person and ask what grounds are being used to determine that your boyfriend is abusive and where in your plan it outlines that you needed to find a new place to live. If you're this far into the case and this is the first you've heard about new living arrangements, someone dropped the ball big-time.I would not wait until court to bring this up in front of the judge. I'd make contact with your lawyer immediately and get everything figured out.

I've had 17 foster kids plus I've adopted 6 that I didn't have in foster care and your post sounds like something MOST of my birth parents would have said at one time or another. Chances are, you aren't relaying the whole story. I've been the foster parent to children who's BPs couldn't understand for the life of them why their kids were taken, but to the rest of the world it was blatantly obvious. If you want your child back, DO WHAT IT TAKES. Calling a social worker names is less than mature and shows that you put blame on other people. It's not her fault you aren't doing what you're told. If it takes living in a cardboard box to have your child, then do it. If it means not having your boyfriend in your house, then do it. Sounds pretty simple to me.