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My story is a bit different. My dad left the family when I was an infant and I never knew him. He contacted me recently - after 45 years - and we have begun a relationship. It's been difficult. I think he is still in honeymoon phase and I've been pulling back. As he is ill, he seems to want a lot of nuturing and support from me. My brother, who was also left behind by dad, is behaving similarly. After years of distance he wants support and comfort too. All of this has unleashed a torrent of rage from within me, as I confront my feelings of abandonment and distrust of males. I feel unfairly "put upon" to provide feminine nuturing and support when I've received didly from these guys. Unfortunately, my poor boyfriend is absorbing a lot of my anger. I've gotten more conscious in recent weeks and realize I need to do something to deal with it (therapy, hitting pillows, etc.) so I don't ruin my relationship. I am wondering if any of you can offer some of your own wisdom and I would love to hear stories if you can identify. Thanks - I really would appreciate it!! :thanks:
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When it rains, it pours, eh?
I have a merged parental history.. My mom "needed" but didn't give. Partially what helped was boundaries, tharapy and ultimately distance. It sounds like you might not have the time for the "distance" part.
My anger regarding my dad's violence and bullying was definitely directed at my husband. I used to have some PTSD and boy! did he suffer as a result. I have the most understanding partner in the world. It helped for us to have a key phrase "I'm flashing back". That let him know it wasn't personal (not to say he wasn't hurt).
If its possible to get therapy, I highly recommend it. You are completely within your rights NOT to become a full time caregiver for someone who waas unable to do that for you.
hang in there! and feel free to vent away/journal/whatever you need
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Been in your shoes. Hard to relate to those who turned their backs without another thought. Need to deal with not feeling guilty because of how you feel. I'm told it helps to write a letter....then burn it. Anger eats you up but it's hard to make it go away so you are in a better place and have peace. Been trying to do that for years. I'm new to this forum, so feeling my way as I go. If I had all the answers I wouldn't need this forum, so pretty much just offer support and a little advice. If it makes you feel bad, don't do it??? Users know who to hit on, recognize an easy mark, count on you feeling guilty. If not you, they move on.........does that help?
Thank you both for your words of understanding! Curry, I had to explain to my bfriend that I was experiencing anger that wasn't his fault, but surfacing none the less. The idea of a "code phrase" is a great idea to keep things from spiraling. And yes, I am re-starting the therapy, journaling, etc - when will it ever end? (Aargh.) And MilJPMADT, you're so right- users do know who to hit on, don't they? I learned a long time ago not to feel too guilty because they always find a new source once you close the door, but I guess it's been harder with my own dad. I will work on it, though. Thanks to you both for your kindness and support!