Another Birthday...

Raven, Exactly what Caths said... As to what other peoples opinions are of you...those that are negative are from people who are trying to deflect their own failings and do so by trying to slam others so they can feel better about themselves...but by their words and actions you can see right through them... Listen to those who actually know you...and to yourself most important of all because you know what is in your heart and the intentions of any decision you had to make. Kind regards,Dickons

(((hugs)))

(((((Raven)))))I'm so sorry for your pain. Your post made me cry, because I've had moments/birthdays/years of utter despair. It's impossible to explain that underlying sadness on our relinquished child's birthday to anyone who hasn't "walked in our shoes". I know you're also hurting because your son is feeling the way he does, but that DOES NOT mean you have no worth. Who knows why some years are more difficult than others... And it's oh-so-easy for those feelings of self-loathing to reappear at this time of year that were planted by people who should have been our support. You're also feeling beat-up this year because of health issues. Please do whatever you need to get through these difficult days, and know how valued you are to many MANY posters here.Please know you are in my thoughts,:grouphug: Soprano

((((hugs))) to you today :)

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough day. I know how hard birthdays can be. It must be rough knowing that your son is going through so much right now too. I wish I had some sage advice. We all count on you for the sage advice though. I am sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

Do you know that there's a book out now on misdiagnosis of gifted children? Guess what a common misdiagnosis is... ADHD. So, if aparents weren't gifted, perhaps he seemed speedy to them, and they didn't understand him. If he is gifted, well, gifted people have very strong emotions, and perhaps more often than some tend to be depressive. I should know, sigh. Check this chart out. If they wanted the child on the left-hand side, because that would mesh with who they were/aspired to be, and they got the child on the right... they would have felt ripped off. Teachers are classically upset by right-hand side children. Not compliant.[url=http://www.tag-tenn.org/comparison.html]Bright Child | Gifted Learner | TAG[/url] I recently took a class about gifted children from a gal who has worked with addicted adults most of her life. She said one year it just clicked for her that a *lot* of them were gifted. She tells them, just google it. Take an IQ test online, research, learn who you are. Perhaps this would help your son. Perhaps not.[url=http://www.stephanietolan.com/is_it_a_cheetah.htm]Is It a Cheetah?[/url][url=http://www.sengifted.org/]SENG: Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted[/url][url=http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/]Hoagies' Gifted Education Page[/url] That is despicable. Who would do a thing like that? My god, I would never have done that to any of my foster children's parents. Plus, if they'd been raising him for 19 years, it would seem to me that they were responsible for getting him any help he needed to heal. I can't tell you how hard I worked for 18 months to heal my fosterson, and previously 9 years for my stepson -- because that is what they needed. There are thousands on thousands of adoptive parents like me, who do whatever's needed to heal their children.I've seen both bio and adoptive parents who would whine to the heavens about all the things that were wrong with their children, much to the distress of everyone who knew them. Perhaps these were such people? I broke off w/ one friend about a year ago because I'd just heard the last bogus complaint about her son I could take. He knows how I feel, we still communicate. Have you ever seen someone parent like that, do you know what I mean? This may seem like a horrible thing to say, but in the adoption world, not every adoption is going to end in a suitable home for the child. One of my friends was adopted by dual alcoholics. One of my friends was adopted by a petite Jewish womanm and she's a 5' 11" hulk. She felt resented in obvious and subtle ways, both.It would be horrible and tragic if inappropriate adoptive parents happened to you and your son. But it cannot be undone if it did. Hard work, and/or therapy could perhaps help with moving forward, for either of you. But it would be neither of your fault, it would be the agency's or the aparents. AFA is this all your fault, the seemingly dire and bleak things on the adoptive side of the family, with the aparents and your son? I don't see how it could be. There are 4 people involved, all remaining alive are adults now. If 4 people tried to lift a car off the ground, and did so, would it be the "fault" of one person that it was in the air?Have you read Nancy Newton Verrier? Recommend most highly. Profound deep stuff on the pain for all in adoption. I have 3 adopted cousins, this has been my reality always. We're close, I've learned a lot from journeying through life with them. (Triad/schmiad.) And from being a stepparent and foster-adopt parent. There is a lot going of pain under the surface which people who're not "in the kettle" so to speak have no idea about.

Raven, I'm really sorry you're feeling so terrible. However, as an adoptee, I have to say it makes me feel wonderful to see that you care that much about him and are so concerned about him. Thank you for being such a great mother!

Raven, Can you please check in...even if you don't want to talk... D

Dickons, I apologize for not checking in sooner. There are so many great comments and ideas that I've kind of just been sitting here absorbing it all. I want to reply to each poster and not have anyone feel that I'm ignoring them. Thank you everybody for your support and advice. It's very much appreciated! :loveyou:

I'm such a worry wart...thanks Raven... D

Caths, I think my son has always struggled with being adopted. He knows in his heart and in his head that I love him more than anything else in the whole wide world...but he has to reconcile that with me leaving him with strangers and walking away. It doesn't matter what the reasons were, it still feels like abandonment to him, and I completely understand it from his point of view. I know he's always been an extremely sensitive guy...he gets that from me...and I get that from my father. My son experiences his emotions very, very strongly...and I know how difficult that can be. I also understand the severe depressions he goes through from time to time, since he also seems to have inherited that from me. I'm not quite sure where he got the bipolar gene, but I'm assuming it's my side of the family. I think my mother is an undiagnosed bipolar, but her personality disorder makes it really difficult for me to be sure about that. My son is so like my dad, it's kind of eerie. My father was probably the most intelligent person I've ever known in life. His IQ was off the charts literally, and he never was seen without a book in his lap. He had an unquenched thirst for learning and never understood people who weren't the same way. He taught me Latin by the time I was 8 years old, the same year he announced that I would no longer spend my time reading "little kids" books. He introduced me to the wonderful world of classical literature, as well as historical biographies (something I'm still into at the ripe old age of 56. He demanded academic excellence from all his children, and we all rose to that expectation. But my father was also a hard-core alcoholic---I think he self-medicated. I know he felt things very deeply, but he rarely talked about it. I see that same quality in my son...and it worries me. It's very hard, even to the point of feeling alienated from other people, when your brain works overtime. I remember a shrink telling me when I was about 21 that one of my problems is that I think too much. The only problem is that the shrink couldn't tell me how to stop thinking, lol. I think my son is like that...I know he spends hours and hours reading encyclopedias when he's bored. The thing that bothers me sometimes is knowing that I would have known how to deal with my son's emotional sensitivity and inquisitiveness. I just assumed that whoever adopted him would recognize his inborn talents and proclivities. But the people who adopted him are nothing like him personality-wise, and that created huge problems for their family unit. I assumed that the agency social worker would select a family that most resembled my own in terms of academics and personality. It's not like she didn't know my background, even down to my IQ. I found all that information in our adoption file many years later. My greatest fear right now is that he's self-medicating like his grandfather. Although he says he's still clean (he's a recovering crystal-meth addict with about 16 years of sobriety), I do know that he's drinking alcohol. I can't seem to get through to him about the necessity of abstaining from alcohol in order to remain clean and sober and not going back to his drug of choice. I also know that if he IS using drugs again, he'd never tell me. I do have to say that much of his recent behavior reminds me of his drug days. All I can say right now is we went through extremely choppy waters twenty years ago...and we both got through it and survived. Hopefully we'll get through this too.

Raven, I am sorry this is so hard. You are one of few people here that I am always happy to see a post from. You are such a great contributor and never unkind towards anyone. Having depression and sensitive emotions is a hard road to travel and the one good thing that happens is that people are blessed to be able to travel next to you on your journey because of the kind, thoughtful person you are.

I don't know if I personally feel abandoned as such. However, I do admit that in the last year or so when I think about certain aspects of growing up, especially in the teens (lets just say amum was not someone you could ever really talk to about anything at all), I do tend to get angry with my bmum rather than my amum. Not because I want to protect my amum, in fact it doesn't have anything to do with the love aspect of it at all. I suppose it is just that circumstantial evidence seems to suggest that my bmother would have been a really good mum. So when I think about the struggles I had as a teenager and think that perhaps my bmum might have done a better job in that particular respect (she couldn't have done a worse one lol) then I tend to feel angry at her for not being there. OK, I know that I can't say that she would have been better for sure but what I am trying to say is that with your son, I think it is because you are so wonderful, he gets angry at you for not being there to share that wonderfulness with him throughout the growing up years; as you said further down, you would have understood him better and he realises that. I think if he wants to get upset with anyone though it should be society or the agency or anyone but you. He knows you had no viable choice. I do think men find understanding their adoption harder than women. Of course, being bipolar doesn't help. People think that it must be great to have a great bmother or at least one who other people thought was great but that can also bring home what we are missing out on. Btw I hope I haven't depressed you by saying the above.

I think we can often blame the person whom we wish was there (eg you) rather than the person who was actually there (eg his APs). It is illogical of course. A non-adoption example might be that when my adad died, there was a bit of a squabble about things (just minor stuff) and I sort of felt angry at my dad for not being there (because he would have sorted them out real quick (at least before he was ill)) rather than angry at my bros/sis. Also, a lot of people think having a great birthmother, or at least a birthmother that other people thought was a great person, must be wonderful. However, the opposite side to that is that you grow to realise what you missed out on. I know someone will no doubt say "grass isn't always greener on the other side", however, if we hadn't been adopted we wouldn't know anyone in our adopted life so we wouldn't be missing them because we wouldn't have known them, so as long as our bfamily is halfway decent then it is driven home to us what separation has done. (btw I hope people understood that rather convoluted last sentence LOL) Btw studies have shown that men often do find it harder to understand their adoption than women, perhaps because they aren't women if that makes sense.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with and many people that have not experienced it themselves have no idea what impact this has on a person. With me, it led to extreme insomnia which led to physical problems. Just shutting off the mind for a while and relaxing, not thinking or stressing, makes such a physical and emotional difference- it is hard to even explain. And when you can't achieve that for even a little while, it is devastating. I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of peace, strength, and a rest from over thinking so you can help heal yourself.