Help. The Confessions of a RAD / PTSD / Panic disordered child's parent.

I feel helpless, scared, angry, and useless. I can't reach her. I can't explain things to her in a way where she doesn't just go into her shell and completely shut down. It doesn't matter how calm, collected, loving, or rational I am. It doesn't matter if what I'm trying to get her to do or understand is based on something positive for her, and easily understood by children as young as 3. It doesn't matter if I explain things until the cows come home. Things just don't change. I'm scared for her future. I'm scared she will never be able to have any relationship that is based on anything other than superficial illusions of affection. I'm scared I'm going to lose it. I've lived this morning over and over and over again. It's time for school. Once again, during the night, she has put on the clothing she's insisted on wearing all weekend. I lay out several items for her to pick from (I've tried laying out one, or two outfits to pick from and that doesn't do it either.). I leave her to dress. I come back and she is putting on her shoes, wearing the same outfit she slept in/wore all weekend. I tell her she needs to wear something clean. She has a melt down. I walk away (as her therapist says that she has to feel control and the melt downs are meant to distract me and or cause me to let her have her way). I come back 20 minutes later, no change, she's just sitting on her bed staring blankly. I tell her again she needs to change and for the 8,000th time, I talk to her about wearing clean clothes, that children can be mean to kids who go to school looking dirty; that I know she likes to have fun and play and have friends; that I love her and I don't want anyone to say anything mean to her. I come back 20 minutes later, she's still sitting staring blankly. I pick out an outfit for her and tell her to change her clothes. I come back 15 minutes later, she's still sitting staring blankly. I take off her shoes and top and put the new top on. I tell her she needs to change her pants and go brush her teeth. I come back 15 minutes later, she has put the dirty shirt back on and is sitting there staring blankly. I take all of her dirty clothing off and place them all in the hamper and tell her we have 10 minutes until the bus comes and she still has to get dressed and brush her teeth. I come back 5 minutes later, she has pulled the dirty clothes out of her hamper, put them on, and then put the clothes I picked out on over top of them. I have to strip her down, take the dirty clothes downstairs and put them in the washer. (from the past, I have learned that on mornings like this, if I don't put them in the laundry, she will repeat the last scenario over and over again) I tell her to put her clean clothes back on and brush her teeth while I start the washer. We have 5 minutes left to catch the bus. I come back, she is sitting naked on her bed, staring blankly. I dress her, as one would do an infant, all the while she is screaming, crying, and passively doing everything she can to keep me from getting her arms in the sleeves or her legs in the pants. I try to explain that I love her, that I don't want people saying mean things, that everybody wears clean clothes, that I love her that I love her that I love her.................... I've lived this life with her for 6 years now. I understand she had some horrific traumas before coming here. I even knew upfront that her mother's mental illness is an inherited trait and given the trauma and neglect she suffered in her first 2 1/2 years, the likelihood that she would be forever damaged wasn't just a possibility, but a probability. I have been to counseling with and for her. I've read books. My heart aches for her and I just don't know how to help her and it is killing me. Therapy has done nothing to help this child. DBT has done nothing for her. Instead of using the tools it teaches for benefit, she uses them to figure out ways to do everything opposite of what's being asked of her. If this continues, I'm going to have to double up on my own. She isn't this way at school or at church. She isn't this way with people who are not family. She does this with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, and sisters. In some ways, she isn't this way with her father, but that's only because (given this morning's example) he would have allowed her to wear the torn, caked on muddy pants and stained shirt she had on. My confession about that is HE makes me furious that he allows her to have her way every single time. If she and I are out in public, she's fine. If we are somewhere as a family, if her father is there, she will put on such a public display of emotional tantrum, (so loud that we actually had every man, woman, and child's attention at Chuck-e-Cheezes one time) that I have to walk away. Sometimes I've gone out and sat in the car the tantrums have gotten so bad. I don't feel that his avoidance of her issues is helpful to her at all. But I can't seem to get him to see past his guilt for her first years. He is her biological father and he feels like he failed her. Now that guilt is damaging her further and he just can't or won't see it. Getting ready for school is an issue. Doing her homework is an issue. Cleaning her room is an issue. Taking a bath is an issue. Brushing her teeth is an issue. Eating breakfast is an issue. Eating lunch is an issue. Eating dinner is an issue. Purposefully destroying people's belongings is an issue. Stealing is an issue. It's all day, nearly every single day, one or usually more of these individual things is a battle. I just don't know how much more I can take. I love her. I have moved heaven and earth to protect her. I will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure she is legally and physically/emotionally safe from her bmother via the adoption. However, I find myself questioning whether or not my love for her is worth anything to her, will she ever realize I'm trying to help her, or does it even matter to her..... I just don't know. :grr: :confused: :(