Rejected by birth daughter after reunion?

The last post states a key premise. As adoptive adults who have had time to assess the spin cycle we jumped into it would be prudent to insure that you hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I doubt anyone who hasn't walked in the shoes could imagine the emotional rip tide that comes after meeting someone so significant. It's kind of a push/pull tug of war. There are so many unstudied, unspoken aspects of abandonment which are present. Most of the people who act out from abandonment issues fail to deal with the underlying issues because they present in many ways. Violence, verbal abuse, self destructive tendencies, substance abuse, neglect of relationships...sabotage of relationships before you have a chance to establish trust or continuity. The gamut of presentations is mind boggling. Underneath many people's presentation there is a raw pain that is staggering. Don't hold yourself accountable for someone else's inability to deal with something you may have influenced but can have no way of understanding. Be open and ready because the person might just have the courage to give in one more chance but you can't force them into guilt or a corner...no mexican standoffs if you get my drift.

Hey murphymalone! Have we met? I think you just gave my bio...violence, verbal abuse, self destructive tendencies, substance abuse.... I am an adoptee....have met my bio-mother, and attended her funeral. I am also a survivor of domestic violence and an addict with almost 9 years recovery (June 1!!) Ok, I know that was off topic....

I've been reading these forums for awhile this evening and your post encourage me to register so I could reply.... I was reunited with my BM when I was 16 and while the intial meeting was wonderful and we connected, it quickly turned sour when I returned home. You mentioned that you wanted to be a mother and a grandmother, and I mean this with all due respect, that may not be what she is looking for. When I met by birthmom the most I ever thought we could be was good friends. The second she said she hoped I would eventually call her mom I became confused, sad, angry, and a whole host of other emotions. So, while you may not have asked her that directly, she may have had trouble reconciling that after your initial reunion. Only after losing twin girls mid-way through a pregnancy do I fully comprehend what my birthmother must have felt when she handed me over immediately after giving birth, assuming she would never see me again as it was a closed adoption. I have the utmost respect for her and am truly grateful for her making such an selfless, adult decision when she was only 16, but she will always be my birthmother and my adopted mom is the one I call "mom". Good luck and don't give up. My BM and I parted ways for a number of years, but after a few well-meaning cards on her part we have reconnected on a limited basis and speak about 2 or 3 times a year.....

Abandonment issues are so difficult to fully understand but the impact is real. Many people are able to dig through the cobwebs and get to the root of the problem.Good luck on your journey to the person who has made reference to my post.

After finding this post that made a year ago I thought I would update things. My daughter still refuses to have anything to do with me and I am becoming more resolved to this fact. I am also becoming more aware that the experience of being pregnant at 16, incarcerated agst your will with threat of being jailed as a juvenile delinquent if one did not comply, getting no info about the birth process and no legal representation to tell me what my options - plus the pressure to keep this all secret for decades lest I be branded a whore- added up to a case of post traumatic stress disorder. Women raised in an age of permissible single motherhood, open adoptions and legal birth control and abortions are often clueless of the pressure put on "nice girls in the 1960's. I am now in Somatic Experience Therapy which is slowly helping me heal the wounds created by the trauma I experienced at age 16 and which was seared into my identity.It is making me a calmer, less anxious woman and I am learning to let go of expectations. Thank you to the kind women who were nonjudgmental and helpful and shame on you who become accusatory without walking in someone elses shoes first. Shalom Salaam Peace.

I reiterate, snail mail. I have read your update (thank you for taking the time to post it) and kudos to you for beginning to find some peace. But you do need to let go of the desire to be "mom" and just focus on your own peace. If you go through with snail mail letters, I like WishingNWaiting's experience of receiving occasional cards. That could work too. Hallmark has a way of saying things perfectly ;o) Good luck, and may peace be with you. Dre

I don't want to/need to belabor the point, but I agree with what several of the posts here have mentioned: that not all adoptees are searching for/needing/wanting to find their "mother" or "father". I was adopted at birth and found my birth family a few years ago. Being born in the early 60's, I would imagine that my b-mom went through many of the same experiences that Dayenu mentioned. With all that said, when in the searching process I never ever thought of it as looking for "mom." It's a little hard to put into words exactly, but in my case what I was hoping for in a relationship would have been more like "reuniting" with a long lost friend...a person that you know, and yet somehow really don't. I hope that makes sense. Best, PADJ

I am kind of going through the same thing myself, except that I am the one who was adopted and it's my birth mom who suddenly stopped all contact with me.A little background: My birth mom was 13 when she had me, in 1974. I was born 3 months premature and for the first 3 months of my life, I was in an incubator fighting for my life. During that time, her parents "forced her" (her words, not mine) to place me up for adoption due to her age. She actually went to court several times, to try to keep me, but the courts were also completely against it. I never harbored any hard feelings towards her or anger for placing me up for adoption. I always understood why.I was adopted at 6 months old by wonderful parents who are unable to have children of their own. They never adopted again, so I was raised as an only child. At 9 months old, I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy due to several complications at birth. Thankfully, my dad had good health insurance that made it possible for me to receive several operations in my life.I always knew I was adopted and always had questions. When I was 15 in 1990, I went to Social Services and began the process to look for my birth mom. We found each other fairly quickly and wrote letters back and forth through Social Services, due to me being under age. She told me that she always dreamed I would come find her. When I was 18, we finally met in person for the first time. That first initial meeting went GREAT, better than I could have ever imagined. My parents had a good relationship with her, she got along well with them. We formed a wonderful relationship that was more like a sisterly/best friend kind of relationship. We'd see each other often, I'd spend the weekends with her, etc. I get along VERY well with everyone in her family, including her other 3 children. Over the years I would go to family gatherings, graduation parties, spent Easter with her, etc.In 2004, she sent me a letter out of the blue, telling me that she was in such a good place, that she didn't need the "extra baggage" by having me in her life. She said we led different lives and have nothing in common. She ended it with telling me she didn't want me in her life anymore. I was completely shocked. I felt hurt, anger, confusion, everything rolled in to one. I immediately got on the phone with her sisters, my brother and sisters, asking what was going on. All of them were just as shocked and confused as me. All of them were very upset. None of them knew she was going to do this. Keep in mind, by the time she sent that letter, we had been in each other's lives for 15 years. NEVER had a fight or anything.Now it is almost 8 years later and while I still have a wonderful relationship with everyone else in her family, she still refuses to see me. This summer, my sister (well, her children are all biologically my half siblings) tried to have a small family gathering and invited me and my fiance. When my birth mom found out, she got extremely upset. Apparently she told my sister that I'm not a part of the family anymore. She (my birth mom) assumed that no one had contact with me any more too. The way she reacted to the possibility of me being there, was as if I was a bad person. Like I did something horrible to her.I don't understand it. And sadly, no one in the family seems to want to find out exactly WHY she's treating me this way. I've missed out on a lot of family things, because they are all afraid of her reaction. Why would she do this out of the blue? Her family says maybe she feels guilt for placing me up for adoption and while I can empathize with that, I told her flat out that she did the best thing for both of us. I can't imagine where I would have been if she would have kept me. With all the operations I needed growing up, she would not have been able to afford it. I would have been put in foster care for sure. I've told her several times that I think she was very strong and I'm proud of her for making that decision. And even though she's treated me this way, I still find myself yearning for her in my life. I would welcome her back in, but with my guard WAY up, no expectations and she would have to earn my trust.So, that is my story. I'm hoping someone here can help give me some insight. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. My desire to be a mother and grandmother was never expressed to the woman who bore. My wildest dream would have been to be a semi-mentor and meaningful woman in her life because we have so much in common. Yes this is about me and it's about her too. The Butterfly metaphor that someone used is the best... I have meaning in my life with those who love me and I am concentrating on being the best person I can be and if she re-enters my life, it will happen or not. I always wish her well when I meditate and hope that she is happy. (and yes ii have anail mailed her and her troubles currently prevent her fom interacting with me but she is now always polite). And please don't write too harshly about me. Thank you.

I am an adoptee, not a birth mother. I know the pain of the adopted child, but I do not know your pain. I do not doubt that it is wrenching, however. I'm sorry for all you suffered - shame and indignity and lack of education on your options and all of it. I am glad that we've evolved as a society to the point where a child out of wedlock is not automatically a "shame." I'm sorry it was not like that when you were young.I think it's wonderful that you have sought help in therapy. I hope you are finding peace and comfort in your own strength as you work through your pain.That said, while clearly there's nobody here who can answer "why" (just as adoptees cannot get that answer from anyone other than their birth mothers), I can say that perhaps the issues you've been working through in therapy subconsciously had something to do with your biological daughter's decision to sever contact. Perhaps she was overwhelmed by her own emotions + yours. Perhaps she felt guilty growing close to you and shutting her adoptive parents out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... the list of possibles must be a mile long. She's the only one who can tell you for sure... if she ever chooses to. It's possible she might not. It's possible she herself doesn't quite know.In the meanwhile, I think it's great that you've done the low-key thing and snail mailed her. That keeps the line of communication open and lets her know that future contact will be welcomed. Leave the door open. You never know if/when she may walk back in.I hope I find the same degree of acceptance from my birth family as you have clearly given your birth daughter...Good luck.

A lot of you adopted kids seem super-spoiled. Your biological mother went through hell and back to give you life. She was rejected by your dad, by her own family, and by everyone else in society. She was told that if she cared to raise you herself at the age of like 15 or whatever, then she could do so alone. Obviously, that would not be possible. How would she earn a living? Duh. You should be more grateful and less demanding. Frankly, I think most of you should have been aborted. Sincerely, A Birthmother Who Doesn't Take That Crap

I got on here after getting an update post email that I am glad to see is not on the forum. I wish you the best and am very sorry to hear your situation with being rejected by a birth mother, I do hope you are able to find peace and realize that this is not about you, this is obviously about some deeper demon your birth mother is facing that she does not know how to cope with. Birth mother relationship a side, you had a friendship with her, it's weird to just stop contact with a good friend.

As an adoptee, I think you might have hit the nail on the head. I get hit in the face with this rejection....almost as if she is going to do to me what she feels I did to her But it goes deeper than that. I dont think adopted parents can understand the full affects of their actions on their unwanted children. The issues are unlimited, from fear of rejection, desperateion for love, never feeling wanted, lack of confidence etc, and she will see you as the person who did this to her.

it is hurting when a daughter rejected or disappear?

To Flyingfryerwho wrote: ru spoiled?A lot of you adopted kids seem super-spoiled. Your biological mother went through hell and back to give you life. She was rejected by your dad, by her own family, and by everyone else in society. She was told that if she cared to raise you herself at the age of like 15 or whatever, then she could do so alone. Obviously, that would not be possible. How would she earn a living? Duh. You should be more grateful and less demanding. Frankly, I think most of you should have been aborted.Sincerely,A Birthmother Who Doesn't Take That Crap Where YOU spoiled? Obviously you rejected the responsibility of dealing with the consequences of your actions after you got some "D" in you! You went through HELL and back? What? You got fat for nine months and then abandoned what most people believe is the greatest gift of life? Oh No!.........a boy broke up with me! I'd better ruin a newborn child's life! Why would raising a baby alone be so bad? Is your country in the third world??? Last time I checked they raise kids there as well! And How did you end up earning a living??? Did you get your Doctorate?? Did you cure cancer?? What? You're a washed up waitress still trying to find Mr. Right? I am not demanding F**K ALL except that you abort yourself right now with a loaded gun! I probably should have been aborted!! But unlike you, an irresponsible, selfish, most likely spoiled BRAT, of a woman, I did not have a choice! And it had an effect on mine, and others lives. And we want to talk about it! You should blame society some more!! AWWWWWWW the 60's were tough!! I didn't have a man with me to raise a child!Perhaps........you weren't WOMAN enough to step up to the challenge! (let me guess....you pretend to be a feminist now?)I respect women......just not you!! How can you not take crap......when it's spewing out of your mouth every time you open it??