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it's been awhile since I've been on last and I hope everyone is doing well.
Last night my daughters were talking saying that I was a great mom and I commented saying that I better be the number 1 best mom. My oldest (my adopted stepdaughter who's 7) said that I was the 2nd best mom and that birthmom was the 1st. This totaly tore my heart and felt like I was ran over by semi's. (It's been 2.5 years since the adoption was finalized)
I know birthmom was there first and I was second... I just wanted to be selfish and drag birthmom through the mud. But I didn't, I couldn't do that to my daughter. She has the right to feel about birthmom how ever she wants to feel about her. If she wants to beleive birthmom is the greatest in the world or the skum of the earth I have to respect her feelings and I do respect them. I want daughter to have her own judgment of birthmom.
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If she's anything like my 7 year old, she probably feels differently about it every hour.
The fact that you are there for her, respect her, and didn't drag her birthmom through the mud shows how great of a mom you are.
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She is testing you. I can remember pushing my parents to see just how much they really loved me. If I said bad things would they choose to "get rid of me" like my first mom did? Give her time.
You did the right thing. It isn't worth getting into a battle of wills over. Tack on that she is really young and processing alot of feelings that even adults would have a hard time with, well you get the drift.
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Sending a cyber hug ... Totally understand how much that hurts. And I agree w/ Maerky
"The fact that you are there for her, respect her, and didn't drag her birthmom through the mud shows how great of a mom you are. "
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I went through exactly what you are speaking of. I don't have a "pat" answer. We used the Children's Home Society of Washington to help us through these times. It wasn't the right way for our situation.
In retrospect, I should have taken care of my feelings in therapy and kept my family growing and loving. It would have been best to take what she said in stride and lovingly comfort her. :coffee:
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Sarah85
it's been awhile since I've been on last and I hope everyone is doing well.
Last night my daughters were talking saying that I was a great mom and I commented saying that I better be the number 1 best mom. My oldest (my adopted stepdaughter who's 7) said that I was the 2nd best mom and that birthmom was the 1st. This totaly tore my heart and felt like I was ran over by semi's. (It's been 2.5 years since the adoption was finalized)
I know birthmom was there first and I was second... I just wanted to be selfish and drag birthmom through the mud. But I didn't, I couldn't do that to my daughter. She has the right to feel about birthmom how ever she wants to feel about her. If she wants to beleive birthmom is the greatest in the world or the skum of the earth I have to respect her feelings and I do respect them. I want daughter to have her own judgment of birthmom.
Well isn't that what love is about? Feeling hurt and bad when your child carelessly hurts you but not responding in a way that will hurt them and damage their self esteem.
It is great that you can be honest about how you feel, and still give her a safe place to share her feelings. The fact that she can share her feelings means she trusts you. That is what makes a relationship real. I bet you will be incredibly close as she gets older. You seem to have a level head, and a motherly instinct to protect her.
Just remember she probally has grief issues to work through. She is going through the loss of her natural mother and needs to talk about it, and to remember her. Perhaps you could say things like "She is your number one mommy but I am your number one cuddle bug mommy, or number one bedtime story mom". This way she can aknowledge her love for you and her love and rememberance of her natural mother. I am sure you will find a way to help her through this even though it may be hard at times.
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Maerky
If she's anything like my 7 year old, she probably feels differently about it every hour.
The fact that you are there for her, respect her, and didn't drag her birthmom through the mud shows how great of a mom you are.
Very well said and I agree completely.
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