Almost two months, still nothing...

Mmotimes16, Your direct quote was from a child ? in front of you to their birth parent? Really has no context to what an adult in his 30's may wish...or feel...or anything really...we are all unique and our maturity level and lived life experiences put us in different places than we were as a child. Having said that, unless the adoptee in question has said no, then Lokey has the absolute right to contact again. ***** Lokey, Either a private facebook message saying you just want to know he got it and that the door is always open or a happy birthday note or even both (unless you get a no from the first). Kind regards,Dickons

Perhaps giving him a bit more time would be a good idea. I'm an adoptee in reunion, and I was very surprised and overwhelmed at first when my birthparents initiated contact through the agency I was adopted through. I had a ton of emotions and feelings to digest. I received letters from each of them, and it took me 4 months to "perfect" the letters I wanted to respond to my birthparents with. During that time, though, we had a caseworker with the agency that we communicated through. That was incredibly helpful because I was able to let them know "through" her that I was still processing my feelings. If the caseworker wasn't there to relay that information, they would have probably been in the same shoes as you. Even after I sent those first letters to them, I was not at a point in my life to start a reunion (just sold a house, in the middle of building a new one, working 3 jobs and being a mom and wife). Once my life calmed down a bit and we were settled into our home (and the emotions of my birthday hit), I commenced communication with them. That was 8 months AFTER I'd sent the letters. So, silence might not be his way of telling you to leave him alone as another poster mentioned... He might just be sorting through his feelings. I wish you the best of luck and hope you hear from him soon!

Um, maybe because the people who gave us life at least deserve to know if we are alive and happy? Human decency would dictate that. After that, no one owes anyone anything. Then again, I'm an adoptee, what do I know?

I think if one's birthparents make contact in a polite and respectful way, they should at least be treated with respect and politeness in return, even if you don't want contact. There is no harm in letting them know that you are happy and alive as Txrnr has said. Why can't WE make OURS?!? Does that mean it wasn't just his choice to make? It sounds like he was saying not just what he but what he felt you wanted to hear as well. It certainly sounds like it pleased you no end that he said what he said.

SILENCE is not a clear answer. SILENCE can mean many things. As others have posted, it can mean the person needs more time to process their feelings, it can mean they are unsure of what they want to do in the moment, it can mean they are not wanting to commit one way or the other, it can mean they don't want any contact at all now or ever, it can mean they don't want contact now but may want contact at a later time, etc., etc. If an adoptee wants to be left alone, and wants no contact at all, what is the problem with saying that clearly and directly? I know no better way to communicate "I don't want to have contact" than by stating it up front. Silence does not have that same effect. Silence leaves the other person guessing and mind-reading about ALL the possibilities for the silence. And since the possibility exists that the person is silent because they are simply not ready, I would not be inclined to shut the door on them unless and until I had clear direction that they absolutely did not want the contact. It's not about wanting it done MY WAY as it is just common sense and not wanting to make assumptions about what the adoptee wants. I would say the same thing regarding a birth parent who didn't want contact. As much as it might be hurtful to the adoptee, It's better to say "I'm sorry, I don't wish to be in contact" and let them know for sure rather than be silent and leave them guessing.

An adult child, age 38 and to EVERYONE that would listen. A "right" to contact? She GAVE UP her rights..REMEMBER?? She has no "right" to anything, unless the child in question grants her a "right". Luckily for our children, most have them have been receptive to their birth families. We have found them, contacted them and tried very hard to teach our children to love all of their family. But as for "rights" I totally disagree! Leave the poor kid ALONE! you have your answer :) But ... don't ask me!! the SILENCE says it all :)

No one "deserves" anything ... things are earned. And guess what, not EVERYONE feels the same way as you do! Or as I do! or as my children do! So, I think the SILENCE speaks for itself :)

Some people are not strong enough to stand up and say anything! And why should they have to? I hope this young man has been taught to LOVE his birth parent, and to accept his birth parent. and I hope he DOES contact his birth parent. There is so much she can offer him....but as for REQUIRING him to answer? NOPE! I don't belive that! We are all different. Doesn't anyone see that MAYBE this young man feels differently than YOU? or that EXPECTING him to answer a certain way flies in the face of logic? I hope he just needs time! But--NO ONE has the right to EXPECT a certain answer in a certain way. Sadly, not all children are "LOST" to adoption and need "FINDING". I am so very grateful that we have open, honest and loving relationships with my children's other parents!! Even the child that does not want contact! I make sure this mom knows our (her and my) child is OK. I would NEVER force an answer

MomTimes16, So basically you are saying a birthparent should never search...got it. I think they should. Dickons

As a mature adult, could he not have said it in a nicer way? Manners maketh the man. If he is a domestic infant adoptee from the early 70s, his bmother may well have had little viable choice but to place him for adoption. I feel that she has a right to look and he has a right to say he isn't interested.

First of all, thanks to everyone who has offered advice on whether or not I should send another note to my son. I started this thread to get that advice and will be sending him a short birthday wish via Facebook next month. I certainly did not mean for this thread to become a heated debate over firstmother/adoptee searching rights. I was just looking for some advice on what might be the best approach in this situation. That being said... WOW Momtimes16, that's very harsh. Probably one of the most hurtful things you could say to a firstmom. I, like many firstmoms I believe, am fully aware of what rights I gave up. I gave up the right to legally care FOR my son. I did not give up the right to care ABOUT my son. I never said I had a "right" to anything. However, there are things my son has a "right" to know, that, because of the way this system is set up, he can only learn through me. He has the right to say that he has no desire to learn those things, but he needs to use his voice and say what he wants. Please do not speak for my son, you don't know him anymore than I do. You can not ASSUME that his silence means that he wants to be left alone anymore than I can ASSUME that his silence means he's just not ready. I don't think most people search because they feel they have a "right" to. I think we search because we have a longing to know more, a desire to heal wounds and love in our hearts for someone we don't even know. if the person we are searching for has some of those same longings, desires and love than we have a "successful" reunion. If they don't, it's unsuccessful. the only way to know how the searchee is feeling is for them to say so. I must say, I came here looking for advice on how to proceed in this situation and Momtimes16, I think you were unnecessarily harsh. I considered this forum a safe place to talk about my feelings and you have made it feel a little less safe. I'm not saying that there is not a time and place for the type of debate that took place here. I think everyone has a right to their opinion and discussion of differing opinions is vital to our growth as human beings. However, when someone looks for advice on a personal and very emotional issue, care and compassion should be given to the answers that are sent. Putting a smiley face behind harsh words does not make them any less harsh. Lokey112

Some like to hide behind "rights" Lokey. Hang in there. There are plenty of aparents here who would give you a different perspective as well.

This is such a difficult subject. I don't have any advice to give but want to just stress that even though the 2 months probably seem like an eternity to you, it can go by really quick when you have a lot of stuff going on. I agree with the person that said that it was hard to write back. When you don't know what someone is thinking, you can assume so many things. He could have wondered about you all his life and now not know what to say. Or, he could have a sense of loyalty towards his adoptive parents... maybe it's a lot for him and he is not ready to deal with it. I can only imagine how much you must think of all the possible answers. All I can say is take a few breaths and allow yourself to wait for the right time. You must have waited for so long already. My heart goes out to you. And keep us posted!

No one saying they are EXPECTING this young man to give an answer or REQUIRING he do so, but are merely pointing out (a point you seem to be missing) that if, indeed, he does not WANT contact, the most effective and clear cut way to get that across would be to say so. This leaves no room for doubt. I get that not everyone is strong enough to do this, and they would rather "drop hints" or ignore the situation. But the other point I have been trying to make all along (that you seem to also be missing) is that silence does not NECESSARILY mean he does not want contact. It MAY mean that, and it may NOT mean that. So given that the possibility exists that it does NOT mean that, I would advise the OP to go ahead and send another message to her son. If I had made the ASSumption that my son did not want contact based on the fact that I didn't hear from him right away, I'd have missed out on reuniting with him recently. My son was totally SILENT for a very long time but as long as he was accepting my correspondence and NOT saying, definitively, "leave me alone" or "I'm not interested" I forged ahead with the hope that he would come around (NOTE: Not the EXPECTATION but the HOPE - there is a difference). Following your logic, I should have shut the door on him right from the start, thinking "oh, I should just leave him alone because I have no rights here and his silence is telling me everything." That would have been an incorrect assumption to make.

So, I think the SILENCE speaks for itself :)[/quote]I haven't posted here in years and shouldn't get involved but the smiley face rubbed me the wrong way. It does not make the statement less insensitive or cruel. To make it worse, there is a chance the statement might not even be true!For the record, I am an amom.