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Monthly visit with case worker today. She asked me how the visits are going (I drive baby to them), I said fine. She said Mom mentioned that baby didn't have a coat on recently.There was a visit a few weeks ago, when it was very mild weather and baby fell asleep at home right before it was time to go. I brought her to the car, asleep, with her jacket over her like a blanket and tucked it over her in her seat. Mom happened to meet us outside and as I unbuckled, I explained that to her and again wrapped jacket like a blanket around her as I handed her over.I suppose this kind of thing happens with bios complaining about foster parent's care of their children, but I have a history with this mom and what I thought was a pretty nice and open relationship. I know there are a million things I will never know about being in her shoes but I'll tell you what...finding out today that she "tattled" on me to the worker really hurt my feelings.
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In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not a foster parent, but was reading this thread and had a thought...Could it be that Mom's intention wasn't to "tattle" on you or anything, but was to show the CW that she's paying attention to things like that? As a way to demonstrate her abilities as a parent?Again, I'm not probably your target audience for support and feedback here, so feel free to take it or leave it! :flowergift: Best of luck to you!
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bug. that happened to me once too. it was july and a gazillion degrees outside....so no...the baby who couldn't even crawl did not have socks on. so what? he was dry, clean, dressed in a nice outfit, his diaper bag was new and clean and full of formula and other necessities for the visit. there were even pictures and updates i didn't have to provide...and she complained about the socks. at first i was mad...i thought lots of nasty things in my head- like you are seriously going to complain about socks....but you had your son taken from you because of things that were 1,000,000 times worse than no socks. then i realized the bottom line was she was a mom separated from her baby....if that were me...i'd be crazy too. i think she just wanted to prove that i wasn't perfect either. it was a low shot....but i kind of get what she was doing.
((HUGS)) you'll probably never be fully appreciated for what you do....that's just kind of how it works, right? but you are valuable :cheer: ......(((HUGS))) hang in there.
Thanks for the support. I know I'll come around, I just was so shocked and hurt yesterday when I heard this. Like you, MommytoEli (that's my E's name too :) ) I always give them pictures and updates...I even bring their other two kids (whom I've adopted) in to the visits and let them stay and play for a good 10-20 minutes even though their rights to them are gone. I have the kids make cards and presents...keeping an open relationship with them is very important to me and this was just a blow.I hope it doesn't become a trend.
Gigisam- I totally get this. I can get irrationally upset about comments that catch me off guard- much more so than when I am expecting it. I too had a pretty good relationship with the birthmom for our last placement- she was always very appreciative to my face- and she also tended to complain about things to the social worker.
Just keep telling yourself "its not about me". That mantra kept me sane when J's other mom was complaining about my action, my life, me!
Even now that we have a decent relationship, he comes up with complaints that could drive me nuts (some days, it seems like nothing's ever good enough).
Usually, there's an underlying reason. It hasn't ever been about the actual thing she's complaining about.
Hang in there.
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When we was fostering our daughter, her birthmom also made a comment about the fact that I didn't send a blanket to a visit. I also felt attack by the comment until I realized how she must have felt attack by the fact that another woman was caring for her daughter. It's so hard to put ourselves in their shoes, so I'm sure it's hard for them to put themselves in our shoes...nor should they really...but it would be nice if there was some appreciation.
I have also received complaints. One week its one thing, another week its another......The first time I was really upset, but then I realized its just the mom being frustrated with losing control of her child. I was getting used to getting a call every week from the CW with some complaint the family had. What bothered me most was that the mom wrote a letter to the court with all of her complaints basically saying I was not taking care of her child. I had to respond in writing. Luckily I calmed down and thought about where it was coming from before I wrote it. The complaints were nothing major - no shoes on, no blanket, etc, but enough to initially make me upset. I like what Mommytoeli said about them just wanting to prove that we are not perfect too - and we are not. But we are all doing our best. :clap:
I am going to take my own advice that I am giving to you which is don't take it personally and don't react or get upset until you have had time to think about where the comment is coming from.
Thanks for the input everyone. It's been a few days and I'm feeling better about it. I felt pissed about it, then hurt and now...whatever. I realize that whenever I hear something about Mom that doesn't make sense to me I have to re-think it with my filters off and trying to see things from her point of view.
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bluebonnet_72
I don't understand, the mom was complaining because the baby didn't have a coat on IN her car seat? Children and babies aren't suppose to wear coats in a car seat. It isn't safe.
Here's one to add to that: "What you think of me is none of my business." Took me a while to wrap my mind around it, now I love it. I had a complaint from bio-dad once that the department gave so much credibility to... they came to my house to ask me about it 10 months later! I asked the sw if she wanted to come in the home to look around, "No." So we sat outside. So... they may *mention* every complaint, but they don't necessarily *care* about every complaint. FWIW.
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