Happy 25th Birthday sweetheart 3.21.86

In my heart of hearts, I honestly believed that we would have found each other by now. I believed the lies your aparents spoon fed me. So honestly, when I gave you up, I believed that I would always know where you were, what you looked like, and how to get in contact. I get it. They lied to get you. They wanted you so much, they would have done anything. But now, as I have to tell you that your Grandfather is dead, it is cold and on a bloody blog for pitys sake. My dreams of reunion because until two years ago, you were the last male in our family to carry our genes. I know, big deal right? I'm not really thinking clearly at all. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. People in this family keep dying. And its always the best people who are passing. And I mourn, and I mourn for you, because your life would have been so much richer after meeting them. My dad, your grandfather was one of a kind. And I hope that one day you will be able to know about him. He was a character. And he was my life. And he killed himself. And I'm shattered. And I don't know how to put the pieces back. I have such a feeling that you are like him in some ways. Your Aunt Teresa wasn't raised around him, but heredity vs environment, and heredity won. She has his mannerisms, and is like a little copy of him. I had two entirely different obituaries run for your grandpa in the Chicago Tribune. One was on the 28th of May, that was the lie one, and the one on 29th of May was the one Dad would have wanted. So, I honor my dad by that. He was quirky, and I pray one day we tell you stories about him. So yes, two separate obituaries for him, was the right thing to do. If you ever find it, you should know that the Wisconsin papers, had it twisted. Who knows who they got their info from, but it was not me. Dad never stepped foot on Polish soil. We tried to get there, he and I. He was born in a work camp during WWII, and therefore a German citizen. They wouldn't let him return to the USA if we went to his mothers (my grandmothers) homeland. So, that was a trip we were weren't able to make. I just want to put things here, just in case. If something happens to me, and one day you decide to find your sister, you can mention the things I say, and she can tell you. I ask all my dead relatives to look over and protect you. Is that wrong? It's not that I look at your aparents as babysitters or anything, I know they are your parents, but I guess you would understand why I'm so thirsty, if you knew all the details. If you are looking at this, pray for your grandpa. It was one bullet, it was fast and accurate. He was a marksman. My family is different then your fathers family. They will accept hearing about you after I find you or vice versa. My family cry with me every birthday, every holiday, every day in between. They mourn your loss with me. So, I am grateful to have them. If all I had was the out-laws..(your fathers fam) I don't know would happen. I would type forever if I knew you were reading this. But I can't see through the tears. I love you so much. I did the best thing for you. If you knew how I was living when I got pregnant, you would understand. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't protect myself when I was pregnant with you and my uncle, drunk, hit me so hard, I flew over his sofa. My dad took care of that after I told him. But I couldn't do it to you. I love you so much. You are my Nicky. And I pray that soon we can meet. My heart just gets heavier and heavier. You would not be betraying your adoptive family at all. You would simply be extending your family. I have always needed you. But right now, I hold on to our meeting, to keep me grounded. Right now, it's all I have. I love you, I love you my angel.

Your little sister is getting married on Saturday. He's a good man, he is in the Navy. They knew each other for years from an online game we play. It's just so bittersweet. One of the things we would tell your Grandpa when he had the stroke was all the things he had to look forward to. We would tell him he needed to wake up so when Laur got married, he would be would be there for her. That he would put her future husband through the mill and make sure that he would never hurt her haha. And now, she is getting married, and your Grandpa isn't here. I sometimes wonder if you are one of the people who reads my threads. I like to think that for some reason you are afraid to make contact. But that you see my words. I want to make sure I put them down, so if, by the time you find me, just in case, if it is too late and I am not living, you will at least have something that I left, just for you. I know you can't die of a broken heart. And I would NEVER do what my father did. It's like someone dropped a bomb on our family and we are scattered and broken and bloody, crawling through hell trying to piece our lives back together again. Or maybe it's just me, your dad, and sister that feel like that. No, it's our entire family. My dad meant the world to me. No matter what, I could depend on him for anything. Any time of day, no matter what. But that's all in the past. It's odd, because I felt so safe knowing he was always there, and now, I can't explain it. But I don't feel that way anymore. I can't put it into words. I have this huge lump in my throat as I write this. I just want to burst out in tears. But that would piss your father off. And I have to keep it together for your sister. If you are reading this, I'm begging you...begging, please, just reach out. I will do the rest. Don't be afraid. Don't let time run out. So all you will hear is memories of me, and pictures. I love you so much. I will die, loving you.

Hello sweetheart, So, today has been one month since your sister got married. She's blue, of course, because her husband left for Diego Garcia. He will be away for a year. It's a never ending vicious cycle of sadness. Still dealing with the death of your Grandfather, and then pile on the sadness from Lauren, and it's a lot to deal with. I'm going to start saving for a trip to go to New York. I'm going to try and go through the records and see if I can find anything to help me locate you. It's hard because I don't have the money to do it, but I will find it somehow. I sign up for every TV show that offers reunions and nothing ever happens. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like, if these professionals who I give the info to, can't find you, what luck will I have? But, I need to try. I think springtime is a good time to see New York right? If you are one of the readers of my posts, it would be so much easier if you contacted me. Even if you have a friend do it on your behalf. Would you be receptive to meeting me? Would you turn me away? Do you not want anything to do with me? I wish someone who reads my threads would at least let me know if they would do what I want to do. I just want to find you. I want to know that you are alive and well. That's all I want. Your sister however, needs you so much more at this moment in time. I've always needed you, but she is an "only child". For her, if she loses me, she feels she has nothing left. I would hope now that she is married, she will start a family and this will pass, but she has always wanted to find you. We need you. Maybe I am too overwhelming with my words. Maybe you are like your father, and reserved and anti social. I guess I never even thought that you could be like your father. But, yeah, I guess it's possible. He doesn't go out of his way to make friends. He sticks with family. And sadly, his family is complex and superficial at the same time. It's hard to explain. For whatever reason, he feels the need to stand by them, even when they destroy me and your sister. Not one of them came to her wedding. Not one of them sent a card. Not one of them texted her or called her or emailed her. They all have excuses that are as transparent as Saran Wrap. But your Dad wants to believe them. While me and Lauren sit there are like..WTH? It's like my wedding day all over again. None of them showed up. They are just ignorant. Ugh, I don't want to be negative, honestly I don't. But here's an example, not sure if I said this one before but here goes. I got contacted here by a young man who said he was my son. He sent a grainy photo but he was wearing a hoodie and it was taken an alley. I had printed it out and decided to share with his oldest sister this recent update. I showed her the photo. Her response was "Well, we will need to take him shopping for a suit and shoes and have his hair done properly before we introduce him to the rest of the family". I was stunned. I told her, uhh, no, we won't be doing that. We will accept him as he is. She said, we will see. So, that's the crud I deal with on the daily. I miss you darling so much. I need you so much in our life. You don't have to come in immediately as my son. You can come as a friend. I don't want to seem like I would steam roll you into a relationship. Please, if you are reading this..I am on my knees, begging you. Reach out to me. Please.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Just my luck. I spent the past hour typing away a note to you, and of course a snafu in the posting of it. Such is the way my luck has been. I've just been thinking of you alot lately. And I guess I see so many views and I pray that you are one them. Or perhaps its a friend or wife or your A parents. So, I just am trying to find the right words to convince you that it's okay to reach out. If it's better for you to go directly to your sister, that is also fine. Reach out via a post here. You can say you are a friend, how would I know? So many things going on right now. Not that it concerns you or should have an impact on your decision to contact me or not. But your sisters wedding was a failure. People sometimes do extreme things to show they still have power and control in their lives after a suicide and that is what she went through. I think I was so, well, I was drowning in emotion and he snuck in under my guard. He turned out not to be a good guy. So, that will end soon enough. I just think of you often. With all the bad things that are hitting this family, I am holding onto faith that we do deserve something good. That something good would be you contacting us. Can't you find it in your heart to do this? At least let me know that you are alive and healthy if you can. That is not asking alot. It would ease our minds a great deal. You are loved. I hope you realize that. [/FONT]