I found her!

I am a fellow adoptee rather than birthparent. You might like to read this in regards to how birthmothers can feel - it is from the American Adoption Congress which has other worthwhile articles to read. [url=http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/grief_portuesi_article.php]AAC - Grief and Loss[/url] [url=http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/search_and_reunion.php]AAC - Search & Reunion[/url] Also this is from the Benevolent Society in Australia which has many worthwhile articles about how birthparents and adoptees feel. [url=http://www.bensoc.org.au/postadoption/director/searchandreunion.cfm]Post Adoption Resource Centre - Search & reunion[/url]

I would take her at her word here. She is shocked. And when you are in a state of shock, often your emotions don't come to the surface, or you aren't even clear what your emotions are. You are just sort of numb. Another thing to consider, even if she was feeling strong emotions, she might not want to show them. Sometimes this is cultural, sometimes this is an individual response (for instance, I have a girlfriend who does not like to openly cry. Even at her mother's wake, she did not want to show a lot of emotion and didn't. That doesn't mean she wasn't feeling it, though). I tend to be more open in expresssing emotions, even strong ones, but have held some of these feelings back from my son for fear of making HIM uncomfortable or overwhelming him. I'm sure I'll cry when I meet him, but I may feel like wailing, but won't for his sake. Your birthmom may be holding back, too, for that reason. Yes, this is a good idea. Keep in mind, too, you are not responsible for your birth mother's feelings or emotions. You are not responsible for healing her from her pain, or the circumstances of your conception. Her knowing you may bring her healing in and of itself (I have found that to be true in reconnecting with my son), but you do not have to place yourself in any sort of "adult role." Is she putting that on you, or are you putting that on yourself? It's hard to really imagine that connection and bond between natural mother and child until it is experienced. And it has nothing to do with dismissing the mother who raised you or her being "less than" or replacing her. She is and always will be your mom! That doesn't mean you cannot have the bond you have with your birth mother as well or that it in any way diminishes the closeness and love you have for your adoptive mother. The bond you feel for your birth mother, while you had to "let go" of it when your visit ended, is still there and always will be there. As you build a relationship with your birth mother, I hope it feels more and more like a constant in your life and not something you need to keep letting go of. Try to release any expectations you have of how your birth mother "should" act or feel. Everyone has their own process to go through, their own coping style, and their own way of integrating this very emotional event into their lives.

Hi, my first experience meeting my Bmom was eerily close to yours. No real emotion. I actually wondered if I would hear from her again. And I too felt that bond you speak of, which many adopted people would appear to feel. She rang a few days later - she said she was expecting me to be angry and I assured her I wasn't. She eventually relaxed and we are slowly building a relaitionship. Just take it slow and hopefully she will eventually get past the shock and start to process it all. Patience is definatley the key.

Congrats on your reunion! I just wanted to chime in on your comment, "I feel like the adult in the situation." I think you should. You are, and so is she. Two adults connecting. If you mean that you feel like she is putting you in the role of parent, I agree with JustPeachy - that's not good. But, I have found in my reunion that I have very much had to be the adult, just as much so as my parents twice my age. I felt so many emotions of a child, especially in the beginning of the reunion. I had a lot of flashbacks to my childhood and to childhood pain. Many times I wanted to act like a child and I especially didn't want to "lead" the reunion. I want to sit back and be told that I was loved and missed and let my parent call me and tell me that he/she wanted/needed to make up for lost time...was sorry for all we had missed together...hold my hand, etc. But, that was not what happened. The baby that I had once been reunited with her birthparents as an adult. In many ways, we came to the table with the same insecurities (both afraid of who should call who, who should set the pace, not coming on to strong, needing times to calm down and back off a little, afraid of rejection, etc). Though we were too nervous to talk about it at the time, we both felt like we were intruding into the other person's life and that we should let the other person set the pace... If stubbornness had won out, we would have never spoken again on several occasions because we both would have sat waiting for the other to call, feeling that we weren't wanted. I don't know if any of this is making sense - it's late at night! :) I just wanted you to know it's normal and it's good that you feel like you have to be an adult in dealing with your mother. As long as she acts like one too, you both could begin a long and wonderful adult relationship that will add to both your lives! Extending forgiveness and understanding and empathy to your bmom is a wonderful, mature step in the right direction for a successful reunion! Best wishes, Snoopy

Thank you all for your kind words and helpful insight. My birth mom and I have plans for dinner Monday night. I figure it's best to take it one day at a time. I think for my own sanity if not anything, this is all a lot to process! I ask now for advice on how to ask her for more information about my father. I think that there is more to the story, and I don't want to scare her off... Any suggestions?

Unless you absolutely can not wait, I'd suggest waiting to ask that question just a bit longer. Yes, you should have it etc..., but if your bmom is a little unsure of where this is going, and you want her comfortable, I'd suggest giving her a meeting or two where you focus on her. Now, if she even slightly opens that door, I'd take the chance.I got lucky. On our second phone conversation, my bmom brought it up, and had all sorts of info for me. I'm sure yours is anticipating the question, and expects it to come soon. My thought is since you found her, at least give her a little time to compose her thoughts. For some, it's a lot of memories flooding, and can be hard to process. Enjoy! It's such a fun time!!

How did dinner go?

Congratulations. It's a tough situation. I would imagine you birth mother has blocked a good deal of the feelings. Hopefully she will come to realize that something very good came from her unfortunate situation.You say that you feel like the "adult". That makes perfect sense. You may find yourself having to assume that role given the fact that she was raped. Get some counseling if you find it's too much to handle. Along with the issues surrounding the abandonment and all that entails; there is much more to complicate the matter.Don't try to take it all on yourself. If it becomes overwhelming reach out.

that is a very heartwarming story. you are blessed to have an adopted mother and now finally found your birth mom. :flower: ------------------------------------------------------- --------- [url=http://www.petstreetmall.com/Dog-Crates/]Dog Crates[/url], Pet Crates. 30% OFF & FREE Shipping on Pet Crates and Dog Crates

My reunion was the same thing. We weren't kidnapped we were relinquished and there is real shame there. They gave us away to have a better life. Our birth mothers are alway present in our life before we know their names and after, It is primal. I met my mother 18 years ago and when she drove away I cried because I knew it would be the last time I would ever see her. She didn't want to tell her two other daughters. All these years have since passed. I had to call her recently because I am very ill. I needed my genetic history so they possibly could rule out some symptoms. I need to know that I can call her if I need to. I need a little life line to her because ever since I was a little girl I looked out my window and wanted her. We do know our mothers they were the first people we ever loved. I love my Amom more though. Hypothetically if they were both drowning and I could only save one it would always be my real mother....my A mom. :)

So i have to say that I am truly blessed. As many of you said, everything comes with time. I have a wonderful relationship with my BM. She and I talk on a weekly basis and I have been to several family get togethers. On Easter my Adoptive Family and my BM and sisters all got together for the holiday. Finally there was some emotion and tears that I felt were missing this whole time. I plan to see her and my sisters at least once a month since we live 2 hours apart. I am careful to still make my Adopt mom still feel like she is coming first in my life. I look forward to the years to come :)