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I had a dear friend here this past week-- the kind of friend that is brutally honest, but always loving, encouraging and challenging at the same time. That said, as much as she is a great friend, she has no experience "inside" adoption other than loving a few people affected by it in different ways, including me.
She was the friend who, as strange as it may sound, was such a bridging and comforting presence when M (J's first/birth/bio mom, however you want to say it...) first came to our home 4 years ago when J was 18. M talked very freely to her and the conversation went places that in a million years, DH and I would never have dared to go by ourselves.
So, fast forward to now, and she sort of challenged me on maintaining any direct contact with M, now that J is an adult, mostly revolving around facebook (there is that pesky facebook again!:rolleyes:)
Background:
M friend-requested me after our last visit out there (our second) in the summer of 2009. I'm a little skittish about making first moves with her, since she tends to perceive things as acts of aggression and her mental disease makes her grossly misinterpret actions and intentions. But when she leads and I respond, things seem to be fine. She has started several chats with me on fb and other than that we just coexist there, both friends with J. For a long time, I held back and was careful not to say much to or about J, lest it be interpreted for something other than it was. But since moving out here and not seeing J often and him being 21, I decided to grant myself the freedom to interact with my son in our way without running it through the filter of what anyone would think about it. I still don't put much mushy mush, because I think that is for personal interaction and the "real" stuff of relationships is to be shared privately, but I will be silly or occasionally wax nostalgic or interact with his friends who I've known and loved for years.
So here was her challenge:
-That it's not appropriate and is in fact unhealthy for me, to be maintaining any direct contact with M myself, as that's for J alone.
-That "she requested me" is an excuse and really I just don't want to lose the ability to keep tabs on her online. (really, she posts nothing about her personal life online, she is a fb game fanatic and her entire wall is nothing but game and horoscope postings)
- Deep down it's probably just morbid curiosity on my part, which is why it's unhealthy, so it would be much healthier for me to just let go of it completely, unfriend, and have no contact at all.
So now I sit here introspective. I was a bit blindsided by her view on it, as I told her that I thought the relationship and accepting her gestures and the friendly contact, however stilted or infrequent, was the "right" thing to do. I know this friend is no expert on adoption at all, but she does know me well and love me unconditionally, so I'm questioning myself and this whole thing.
So what do you think? Since J is 21, should we be having no contact at all, even if it is just a facebook chat every six-12 months? Should I unfriend her, and risk however M interprets or feels that? Is it really just morbid curiosity that drives the desire to maintain contact or access?
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Heidi, I think it is fine and your friend is viewing it through her concern for you and lack of knowledge of adoption. My mom would likely do the same if she was computer savy with my sisters mother. I made the move to bring my mom and aunt together. For me, it makes it all one family and no conflict for the adoptee... D
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Your friend might not agree with it and maybe it doesn't follow the "rules" but my opinion is if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother her & if it doesn't bother J then why fix what isn't seemingly an issue?
If things ever change to where you feel too censored or nervous etc. then revisit, but as long as the 3 people directly involved are okay with this then I don't see what the problem is personally. Even if it's "unorthodox" or not seen as "correct" by others doesn't mean it's wrong for YOU.
So here was her challenge:
-That it's not appropriate and is in fact unhealthy for me, to be maintaining any direct contact with M myself, as that's for J alone.
-That "she requested me" is an excuse and really I just don't want to lose the ability to keep tabs on her online. (really, she posts nothing about her personal life online, she is a fb game fanatic and her entire wall is nothing but game and horoscope postings)
- Deep down it's probably just morbid curiosity on my part, which is why it's unhealthy, so it would be much healthier for me to just let go of it completely, unfriend, and have no contact at all.
Thanks Ladies :)
I think I ask the question of myself, and others, in all earnestness, because there is a drop of truth there, and I wonder if that drop spoils the whole bucket, you know? And I've never been afraid to question myself and take criticism to heart rather than rush to defend myself (well, unless it comes from my mom or mother-in-law... ;) )
I am an "inquiring mind", if you know what I mean, and I do like to search things out and to know things just for the sake of knowing them. I'm not fb friends with her 2 raised kids, but since the younger boy doesn't have any privacy settings on his page, when something on J's wall comes up that he's commented on something over there, I do follow it through and check it out. I definitely can get somewhat of a sense of what he's like and how he and J are alike and different.
I do have curiosity. I always have. It's the characterization of that curiosity as morbid and unhealthy that has me wondering about myself. The suggestion was that it would be healthier for me to set it aside completely as something that I just "let go", you know?
So I'm wondering if the grain of truth casts a shadow over it all. Or is it really okay to wonder and look and peek and want to know, and still for the occasional friendly contact and maintaining the open access to be a healthy and good thing?
I think I know the answer, it was just one of things that makes me question myself.
Of course, the other suggestion was that I like her as a friend so I can "show off" my life to her. THAT I reject completely. I was on fb literally years before she got on and have a large network of extended family and friends on there. And as much as I share freely, I do not lay myself open on there and share everything or post constantly or show off. My life is what it is, and what I share is what our life is, without thought of how anyone perceives it. Of course, I might not be quite as free with pics of my post-baby self, it is out there and I'm neither puffed up nor ashamed of myself or my life. :) The before and after pics of our new home are at the request of our long distance family and friends to see how things are shaping up as we tackle this monstrosity of a renovation. Oh geez now I'm sounding defensive. Ack. I'll stop now.
Summary, I think I know you're right, and I'm right, but there was just that drop of truth that is making me doubt myself.
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I don't find curiousity morbid in of itself. It's what you do with it, kwim?
And let's face it, given all the years she's been back in your life, you've had plenty of opportunity to "show off" if that's what it was all about.
Me thinks maybe with that last "theory", maybe your friend is missing you more than she realizes and is a bit jealous. Maybe I'm wrong, but that theory is just so off the mark in what I perceive about you that I have to wonder. Not that I'm knocking your friend, not at all! Just really baffled by that last one. Admittedly I don't know you anywhere close to how she knows you, but I consider myself a pretty good judge of character and "showing off" in order to have power over someone is just not at all a trait I see in you.
Heidi, I hear what you are saying about that "little bit right." Knowing you however, my answer is that it doesn't spoil the whole bucket. You have always attempted to act ethically. (All of us have those times that are less that generous - see the confessions thread, LOL) I maintain a relationship with D's parents although now it's on a very irregular basis. Actually his mom and I are "FB friends" even though she doesn't post much. I have to admit that when D moved to TN I got an email form his dad that concerned me... he wanted to get together with me to talk about how "we" were going to deal with this. I agreed to meet for lunch but said that in my experience as a parent of adult children I give advice to them only when asked!
If I'm being honest? I think that we ALL are friends with people on Facebook for many reasons, and they aren't all "we're just SUCH good friends I need another way to contact them!"Curiosity is completely normal. I'm not friends with Cupcake's Mom, but I do sometimes do a FB search for her just to see if she's changed her pic or anything (most of her stuff is set to private and all of mine is). Where I DON'T like the curiosity is when people pour over others pages constantly to try to "get" them on something. "Can you believe she SAID/DID that????" Ugh. Get a hobby, you know?But I can't for the life of me imagine you doing that. Checking it out once in a while? No biggie! :)As for it being inappropriate? I know I come from a very different position, but I can't imagine in 14 years just dropping Dee because now Cupcake and I are in direct communication regularly or whatever. If the communication between you two was consistently unhealthy, then that would be a different situation (like other folks here that we've talked to about cutting those ties between the parents in social networking situations especially). I know that sometimes I'm a little paranoid about the "braggy" aspect of FB too...Should I not say that I'm going to this place or that I did this thing? Will someone think that I'm just trying to show off to someone else? Or worse, that it's directed at them??? I don't know. But at the end of the day, MOST people use FB to celebrate good things, share their love with people, talk about the exciting things. And that's okay! You would say EVERYTHING you say now whether M was your "friend" or not. And that's how you know it's nowhere near that line of motivation. I think you're rockin' awesome and have always handled this great - so (((((Hugs)))))PS. You know the curious question I have - so see? We all have it!!!! :evilgrin:
It does help to hear that affirmed.
I know that's not "who I am," but it did give me pause enough to really self-reflect. I think that maybe she is putting my relationship with M in the same bucket as say, an ex-boyfriend or other person with whom the relationship is over, but that little unhealthy clingy part of you can make you want to keep looking back and peeking in, and it can be healthier to let it go completely. I guess it is hard to see from the outside that this is on ongoing reality and not something that just happened at one time and is over. I think she's looking at it as something that has run it's course and the rest is still hanging on. I guess I see it that while we're all still on this earth, we are connected through J and that's just reality.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only "inquiring mind" :cool: but I am confident that I'm not doing it to dig up dirt. What would be the point? The only reason I've been checking her page lately is because she had made an effort to tell me that she and her husband were having a vow renewal ceremony (on our anniversary, ironically...our dates are just days apart) and I've been hoping to catch some pictures of it.
I've also been thinking about the FB connection in general, because where she used to be the one to seek me out and start chats, etc., ever since I've been trying to check in with her since the renewal ceremony date, she has disappeared, signed off and ignored my one or two attempts at saying hello, so I'm wondering whether something is wrong or whether this fb connection, even if she initiated it, might ultimately be uncomfortable for her. I also worry when things go silent, because I think that she might be having a difficult period or be hospitalized and that is something I would never dare to ask her. So I'm wondering in general right now.
For now, we'll hold the course, and re-evaluate as needed. Thanks everyone. I'll cut out the self-doubt on this one. :)
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Just wanted to add - I have a friend like that, and my Mom as well, who help me think through things. People who have loving relationships where they can challenge each other without being defensive are very fortunate. My Mom especially will brainstorm with me. She calls it "trying on shoes".It sounds like your friend was giving you a pair of shoes to try on, but they didn't exactly fit right. Another hallmark of a lifetime friendship is that you can wear your own shoes and everyone's still happy.