What would you do???? Please read!!!

Ah, the joys of relative care :wings: If it was a stranger, you'd never have access to the picture and would be blissfully ignorant (btw - my last FB meltdown was after tracking through J's other mom's friends in order to find a picture of DD posted on BGF's page; so i get it) I understand the picture concern. What does you OA say the repercussions are regarding picture re-use? Does it tie good behavior to visits? Personally, I wouldn't have threatened - but thats mainly due to J's OM's reactive behavior. threats quickly escalate the situations in our case. That said, I would have asked her to take it down. BTW - is this a new picture or one from when she lived with your SIL? I've ignored the pictures from when J was a baby. technically, they are her OM's property. For me, there's a lot of "picking my battles".. I do set firm boundaries, on things that are most important to me (like, no men on visits and no being drunk during visits; no sharing current pictures on FB), but try to not be completely rigid. I need to be involved with this person for the next 13+ years (unless she dies). I'm fine with T referring to herself as mommy to J. She is - her mom, that is. One of her moms, to be more precise. J knows the difference. She doesn't get confused... nor did this stop her from bonding with me. But thats a personal choice. Even outside of relative care, there's debate in this area. Have you discussed your concerns with your SIL? How does she refer to you, when speaking to your child? is she respectful of your role? has she agreed not to use that term? Speaking of which, what does your OA say regarding filtering contect? in my case, had I not liked the signature, I'm within my rights to file the card away and not share it with DD. OM knows this; i think thats why she's so respectful in writings Good luck! and please vent as needed. I know how exhausting these relationships can be

Thanks you so much for your input...It does get lonely feeling like I'm the only one going through this, and I'm sure I have many more years of it...so thank you for letting me vent and also for your great advice because it does keep me in check.... so far bm hasn't taken pic down and maybe I did threaten her by telling her if she didn't I wouldn't give her the May visit coming up, but what the heck do we have a legal agreement for then??? It's so frustrating because if she took it down then I would absolutely have the visit!! BM, which is my SIL, has NO respect for us as parents.(We told her our reasoning about not calling herself mommy to T and she said she would but she doesn't follow through ever)Every letter she's ever written to me, is that she is T's mom, etc...and basically that my dh(her brother) and I stole her(we've had ad since she was 3 months and I have an older bd and bs and we decided that we would not allow bm to call herself mommy b/c it was too confusing) My now 3 1/2 year old knows that auntie N is her birthmom also...Obviously not the case,, we settled for an OA cuz we were 100% sure if she went to court, she would have lost all rights and it would have been a longer process which we were ready for to end!! She is still in denial about everything..We've tried but it just isn't worth it because bm still has so much anger.... When I read the OA there is a list of 20 things and one of those listed is that she can't put pictures up.(the pic was a recent one I gave her) I really can't find anywhere the consequences of that action by as her parents and our concern for her safetly, we feel that we would take the visit away to show her that she is going against a legal document and she can't do that... Well I'm sure you'll hear from me for the continuing saga..Don't mean to ramble on but THANK YOU for listening..You sound like you have your own relative issues but handling them better than me...It would be so much easier if she could just get what we did for her and respect our wishes...Knowing her and her history with drugs/alcohol, etc that's not happening...

Just an update, my SIL took down the picture of my AD she had on FB...She was not happy about it, but me telling her she would not be allowed to see T in May made her change her mind.. Thanks!! I'm sure I'll be back again for more advice:)

We've had to deal with anger and birthmom not respecting our wishes before, or purposefully going against what we have asked,it's not fun. You did the right thing. Stand your ground. If she can't obey the rules and be respectful than she looses contact. Better to set the groung rules early.