How Open is your Open Adoption?

ok, my DD was once my foster daughter. She's also technically a relative. Access to her maternal BGPs is not there. BGM has not requested access (she asked to not be contacted about J prior to me being involved). BSGF (BGM's husband) is an accused pedophile. I was asked to give contact so he could "take pictures of J". That was denied. BGF is not in the picture AFAIK. I've attempted to locate her three adult brothers (who are astranged from BM), but have failed. No one else in that family has come forward. BM has quarterly visits and gets updates from me (report cards, that sort of thing). She is not supposed to have my phone number or address. And does not have direct contact at other times (though she's allowed to email me or snail mail me at any time) BF was located via a DNA test when j was 4 years old. He voluntarily signed off and has not been interested in being contacted. I am not suppsed to know his name (though i do) and do not know his family "OBF", my cousin (thought he was BF until DNA proved overwise.. he's father to J's half brother)'s family has varying levels of access. J's half brother sleeps over. We see those cousins regularly. OBGM (my aunt) is allowed to have J sleep over there (OBF and J's brother live with her). OBF is not allowed to be the sole custodian as his addiction causes him to make dangerous decisions that put J's life at risk. Other aunts and uncles from that family ARE allowed overnight access; as are her great aunt & uncle. OBF has slept over our house on a couple occasions (with J's brother). In short, rules differ based on interest and track record.

We adopted our daughter through domestic and her bio half brother from foster care. We have a semi-open adoption. We meet in person 4 times a year and I send letters with pictures. I have given birthmom an e-mail she can contact me at, but she never has. We make all contact through the agency. BGrandpa can come to all the visits and could e-mail us if he choses. Bgrandma has caused problems with our agency and caused drama during visits so we have cut out contact with her for now. Any other family can visit one time a year for a special visit, because we have found that the kids cannot spend time with Bmom and Bgrandpa if there are so may people around.

DD was adopted through a private adoption at birth, but her siblings have been/were in foster care so there may be similarities. DD sees her first grandparents probably twice a year or so. They are welcome at every visit when we see her first mom or sister or niece but they choose not to be there. We send them regular updates just like we do the rest of her first family. DS does not have any access to his first grandparents. They are unknown to us, or have died.

Our adoption isn't finalized. So far we've done text messages, emails, we have a PO Box for written correspondences. We have been pretty open about having visits, she just conected with us about a visit which happened on Monday. She said she wants to see her on her birthday, which is her adoption day, so that won't happen. That's our special day and I'm not going to bring her into it. Other than that, we're pretty open, but it's up to her to contact us for a visit and if we can fit it in great, otherwise we don't do it. FWIW, we're going to have to have a talk with BM because she was calling herself "mommy" etc and that bothered me, we've had her since she was born and we are mommy & daddy. So once the adoption is finalized I'm planning on sending her a letter saying that I'm not going to allow that.

When we first adopted dd, I told her bm (no bf in the picture at all - bm refused to name one), that we could email back and forth and I would send pictures, and that I was open to visits depending on how our relationship evolved. It has evolved into nothing. I send email updates or hard copy letter and pics mailed to her house, and I get nothing in return. Not even an acknowledgment that she received the updates. There is only 1 set of grandparents, and to be completely honest, they are the source of the trouble, IMO. DH and I always said we'd think about visiting with bm, but not with the grandparents. With ds, his bf begged and begged us not to keep him from ds, and we agreed to have a pretty open adoption. Bf has my cell phone and our email address. We last saw him in January, and I last heard from him at the end of Feb. He hasn't responded to any recent emails or texts from me, but it's only been a little over a month. Bm is not interested in an open adoption. I would LOVE to have contact with either set of grandparents, but I don't know how to contact them. I know paternal biograndma is listed in the phone book, and there is a big part of me that wants to just call her up one day, lol! Maternal biograndma and I spent many hours talking during visitation when ds was an infant. I would love to know how to contact her. She is a very cool lady, who was just not in a position to raise her grandson.

The kids have no contact with Birth Mom as she has been MIA since the kids were taken. We have a fairly open relationship with Birth Dad. He moved several hours away so we can't see him face to face but he is allowed to call as often as he wants and he sends cards and boxes of presents on occasion. It is difficult to monitor birth family contact with my Teen daughter. I explained that I am totally for her having contact with birth family but I need to know them first. This was a struggle in the beginning but now when a family member surfaces, they know to contact me first and once I get to know them they can have monitored phone conversations with my daughter and if things seem safe we can have face to face visits. With these steps I feel comfortable with my daughter having free contact with her Grandmother and older sister. We also send and receive pictures and cards to/from several aunts and uncles whom I have meet, feel safe with and they understand our boundaries.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences!

We have a very open adoption with our dd's birthmom, see her often... probably once a month, sometimes a visit sometimes just see her in town. DD's birthfather was out of her life but now has requested visits again so we will have them..With our DS we have just recently established phone contact and we send pictures and letters. I think we WOULD visit, but we live 1800 miles away from them... makes it hard!

Our BPs have been TPR'd. BD has our phone and address and just doesn't bother and hasn't since visitation stopped over a year ago. Haven't seen or heard from him since the TPR hearing. I'm going to send him a letter to tell him if he wants pics of the kids he'll need to confirm his address - he tends to move around a lot. Birthmom writes often. She is incarcerated and is still under the judge's no contact order. Once she's out she is well aware that she will not be allowed to see the kids due to our FD's post traumatic stress disorder. She knows that to see them in the future she will have to stay drug free (not likely due to her underlying mental health issues) for many years. We have no contact with BD's family. From what we've heard of them they're not people we'd want to have contact with. Kids haven't had contact with them since they were removed. On the other had, birthmom's family is like family to us. We are very close to them (parents and her two half sisters - our kids teenage aunts who they consider infinitely cool!). The family is wonderful, the aunts are excellent students and just amazing young ladies. Birthmom is the black sheep in that family. We try to see them twice a month. Our kids were first a kinship placement with them so it's good for them to realize that not all parental figures disappear. We just had them over for dinner this weekend in fact. They are the kids emergency contact at school and helped us out tremendously when I gave birth. Unfortunately, getting picked up by her grandparents and taken to their home sent my FD into a huge tailspin (too reminiscent of when she was taken from her birthparents) so there I was in labor and trying to work through it with her therapeutically! That was the only time having contact with them was at all stressful and I still think it was good for her to work through that and see that THIS mommy is never going to leave her.

We've allowed contact with our AD's grandmother but we do "visits" in neutral location like a restaurant. They last about an hour and we do them about every 2 months or so. We allow the grandmother a visit around christmas, her birthday, and easter so she can give her gifts. We also send photos to the entire birthfamily (grandmother, mother, father, aunts/uncles/cousins). Two of her bio siblings (different father) live a few states away but we have them see each other once a year if we can help it. Our AD is only 3 but my husband was adopted out of foster care and he believes that one of the reasons he is so "normal" and "adjusted" is because he has always had contact with his bio family even though they are crazy and destructive and we even went to see his bio dad and grandma last summer (they live about 5 states away). I think it makes him complete :love: Openess is so hard for me but I know it is best for her, blessings! ~Rachel

Our adoption is not finalized yet but we have a very open relationship with bio family- mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins! We meet at playgrounds, go to the grandparents house for big playdates with all the family, and even visit during some holidays. We have had our STBAD since she was born and her family has always seen me as her mom (even her birth mom-which is why I think she surrendered) and I love our relationship with them all! I think our case is VERY rare! My STBAD still has 2 siblings in the system and we attend their weekly visits with mom so they have sibling visitation as well. We are hoping that there is a chance the other 2 can join their sister in our home but either way we will do our best to keep this healing family together.

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