A lil advise please

I am sorry that I don't know quite what to say other than I am sorry your hurting today and as you've said all the torment you had already been feeling. I send you hugs and I will be praying that you get a clear answer for your heart. Do you mind telling me what you really want to do? Are you in the circumstances to be able to take care of this baby boy? It sounds as if you already do love both of your children so that isn't an issue.

Oh, my! You are in a difficult position, that is for sure. However, as an expectant mother, you need to weigh your options, ALL of them, and that includes parenting this child you are carrying, or choosing another couple if you are not comfortable with the couple who adopted your daughter. Of course, it would be ideal if you chose adoption for the siblings to be together. However, if you are placing with this couple for fear that if you don't, they will cut you off, that is emotional blackmail and you'd be placing with them for all the wrong reasons. I would not want a subsequent child of mine going to such people, if in fact, they would do such a thing. Are you getting unbiased counseling right now? Would you be able to express your concerns to the family who adopted your daughter? Personally, I'm horrified by the stereotypes that the attorney and social worker promote about most birth mothers being smokers, drinkers and drug users. Many people smoke, drink and use drugs. I would venture to say a great majority (if not most) of young adults, adults, and any age up to senior citizens drink! Some women never drink or do drugs, some do but stop when they realize they are pregnant (that's what I did, some of my friends who parented children did not), and some continue drinking or using other substances in pregnancy. Ones status as an expectant mother considering adoption or being a birth mother has nothing to do with it. Shame on these "professionals" for perpetuating such a horrid myth. I don't particularly like that this was the motivation for your daughter's aparents to match with you and that they continue to remind you of it. There is an "ick" factor there that doesn't sit well with me. I'd have concerns about placing another child with them, too, especially in light of the fact that they've expressed how much they want a girl. Is your son going to grow up feeling "less than" because he's not the girl they really want? Please take more time to think this through, and really weigh out all your options. You may decide to parent this baby and I woudn't want you to feel pressured to place him out of fear that you will lose contact with your daughter. That is coersion, plain and simple. I understand your fear, of course, and don't intend to minimize it, but I do think you need to talk with someone unbiased about your fears and maybe a frank talk with your daughter's parents about your concerns might be in order (though I'm not quite convinced they are the most open minded people or that their motivations and intentions are all that great). Let's take the worst-case scenario. You don't place with them and they do cut you off. Would you then resent giving your son to them?? Would you be more worried because not one, but two of your children were with such people? Or would you feel some comfort that at least they were together and you could deal with that sort of sacrifice? Would you worry that you son was not loved as much as if he were a girl? Would they then try to adopt another girl to get the child they really preferred (as long as it was from a mother who didn't smoke, drink or do drugs, that is? /sarcasm). You are in a really tough position and I'm sorry you are faced with this. Adoption is hard enough without all this added concern. I'm sorry you are dealing with this at such a stressful time.

Ironically, justpeachy, you seemed to confirm what the parents were told...they just applied what you just seemed to say about all expectant mothers to a subset of expectant mothers. I don't know what the actual figures are, but I do feel certain that they are on the rise simply based on the number of FAS/FAE children I've come to recognize in the general community...few of whom are adopted. In any case, that is what these folks were told "many, many years go" by third parties. They may have repeated this to the op in some awkward attempt to impress on her their happiness in finding her and that situation. And so I don't think that needs to be held against them now. Also, before the actual birth and raising of a second child, many people's thoughts naturally run somewhat to the notions of the second child as a companion to the first. In an ideal world, we'd all be thinking of the individual new life we're contemplating, but people tend to think more about and connect to what's in front of them, not what will be. They think of the cuteness of sister pairs and brother pairs, they think of the anticipated ease of "knowing what to do" and "having what we need" already in clothes, activities, etc. Most of us get surprised in that department with sister or brother pairs who aren't consonant with each other or mixed siblings who very much are. Families take what comes to them despite preconceptions and it usually--I know, not always--works out. To clarify the op's dilemna: It sounds as if you are fearful that 1. Your daughter's parents may be agreeing to adopt out of obligation and fear that they won't find another clean birthmother willing to give up a girl, which they would prefer Or, conversely, that 2. They so want the son you are expecting that they will "cut you off" if you don't give him up to them. Personally, I don't see anything in your story to warrant either fear. But it is just my opinion. I think a frank conversation with them would be fair to everyone and certainly is your responsibility to your son to do before any decisions are made, even the decision to re-make the decision after birth. Fear 1: It just doesn't seem likely to me that experienced parents would be receptive to another child they don't want. If you are the parent of one sex, it can be common to develop a preference, but it is a preference born out of ignorance (the benign kind) and familiarity. Most people are highly susceptible to baby love and get over it. If they didn't, we'd see a lot more second children placed, kwim? It could be that they sensed your mixed emotions and/or simply backed off a bit to give you the space to be the mother you are...that it is a good thing. Fear 2: Rational, reasonable people simply don't behave that way. If you've had a positive open experience so far, I think that would continue if you parented. Big opinion based on little knowledge, but again, jmo. It's not as if they would or should be thinking that your life stopped the day you placed your daughter with them. They may feel the sibling connection is awkward at first or may be uncertain about what obligations it engenders for the future now that the possibility is a reality, but then again, they've known all along that you would probably have more children and that the door would be open to a sibling relationship. They have four more months to get used to the idea. What may be hard and it's just one of those things that is what it is, is the uncertainty of knowing whether they will become parents again in four or five months or not. They've been through that before, so that may be another reason they are giving you some space. All that said, it sounds as if you need to think a lot more about parenting. You haven't described your current situation, so we don't know why you tipped to placement. But if you can consider parenting, then I very firmly believe you must consider parenting because, again jmo, I believe it is best for children and that they have a right (in most states, they actually have this legal right) to be raised by their parents or family when it is safe for them. My opinion is coming from a parent who has given birth to and is raising two children and has adopted is raising a third child who was a relative in foster care. It seems to me that most regrets in life are born from situations in which we fail to do something out of fear. If you make these decisions without talking extensively with the prospective parents because you fear them, I would be afraid of the results. By coming here, you have put yourself in many people's hearts and thoughts. I hope all turns out well for the children, you, and the family.

Just a thought with regards to the Aparents....maybe the baby being a boy isn't the only reason they are pulling back....were they planning and ready to adopt again? Financially it may be a hardship at the moment or maybe they only have 1 room for the children and thought it would be easier to have two girls or maybe they don't have enough money for the agency and attorney fees or maybe one parent is ready and the other is not or maybe one of the parents just started a new job.........there may be many reasons for them being a little distant.If you are really really sure that you would want to place then maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and have a face to face with them and tell them your concerns and worries and ask them to be honest about their feelings before you decide who to place with or if you want to place at all. I wish you all the best during this difficult time.SM

Thanks all of you for your thoughts and advise. Some of you brought out points that I hadn't thought about. From the conversations I've had with the parents its not a financial hardship that is making them prefer a girl. As her mom put it before we found out the sex of the baby, she's knows how to raise a girl and couldn't see herself raising a boy. When I wrote to tell them I was expecting they told me they had talked about adopting again for months but that they couldn't see themselves going through the process with anyone else. This is what makes me feel the way I do about the whole thing. I have weighed my options & parenting will be very hard. I wont be the first woman on earth that has a child alone & as long as I focus on graduating college in June I'll be more prepared to take care of the baby. The part that scares me the most is telling them how I feel. Yes I've asked them many times if they are ok with him being a boy and they always say they are but their actions tell me different. When my daughter was 2 months they wrote to tell me they were a family and as such were ready to move on and so should I. They asked me not to call or write them. I respected their wishes and a year went by before they came around on their own and resumed communication with me. This is what makes me believe that they wouldn't think twice to stop communication with me if I pull back on them. I almost feel like I have to choose between my children. If I keep him I risk losing the other

Rosie, If you relinquish your son, you have lost most of him anyway. You have lost that special link with a child that you will parent. That is something that you can never get back, whether the adoption is open or you reunite with him as an adult. It doesn't matter if the adoptive parents keep in slight contact with you from that regard. They become primary in his life, as they are in your daughter's life. They have already made it clear that they will have you in their life only when they are comfortable with it and on their timetable. IMO, adoptive parents who tell you to "move on" are so out of touch that I can't begin to address that here. We NEVER stop being mothers to our children or having that primal connection with them. However, there is nothing to stop the adoptive parents from exiting again if they adopt your son. You will have then lost all connection with both children. You are NOT choosing between your children. You made the choice you felt you had to make at that time for her best interests of your daughter. Your son involves a whole new set of decisions. You are older, more capable, more prepared, educated, and you also have lived the loss of one child. I would encourage you to seriously consider parenting your son. The adoptive parents' emotions are not your concern (and they obviously don't care about your feelings), and you cannot control how they will react where your daughter is concerned. You can't control how they will react when if they have both your children either. I encourage you to explore parenting your son, and really listen to your feelings. You have the right to change your mind at any time up until it is legally too late to do so, only after you sign the papers and any grace period has expired. Please put yourself and your son first here. I would do anything and give anything to have the opportunity to go back and undue the relinquishment of my son. Relinquishing him did not provide a better life for either of us. Good luck and a big hug to you.

I guess the question that runs through my mind is do you want to raise this child? Only you can make that decision and you need to make it for yourself, not based on what your daughter's aparents think. Neither choice will be easy. Can you talk with the counselor you have been working with?

The truth is I'm not ready or capable of raising this child and that scares me more than anything. I still haven't heard from the family and as time goes by my anxiety is growing. Due to stress I've been placed on disability by my doctor so this forces me to move in with family if I want to graduate from college. I know that once my family finds out its all downhill from there. I will probably have to place the baby with a relative rather than someone I choose. Thank you all for your prayers & concern. As ironic as it is this is the only place I've been able to express myself freely regarding my situation. Thank you for that. I will keep you posted on what happens after the big move next Friday. Please pray that everything works out in the end & that this baby ends up where God wants him to be .. .

This is your choice. Please remember that. Your family may not like it, but they have no right to force you to place with a relative, or anyone else for that matter. If I understand your timeline, you hope to graduate from college in June and you are due sometime around then or a little after? Have you been able to find any resources on your campus? Have you been able to look into any govt resources that would be available to you after the baby is born? Are you on a school insurance plan? Our community has an organization that helps young mothers get the resources they need to parent...does your community have anything like that? You posted requesting people pray that the baby goes "where God wants him to be"...are there any religious/church organizations in your area that help unwed mothers parent their children? These are things that maybe a counselor could help you look into to help figure out if parenting is a viable option. Keep in mind that you do not have to decide now or even immediately after the birth. If you think you WANT to parent, then I would suggest trying to find out what resources might be available to you to help you down that path. You said your family would not be happy. When my sister got pregnant when she was 19 or 20, my parents were less than thrilled. But you'd be shocked how a new baby can change people's perspective on things. Maybe after the baby is born they will come around and realize that they should help you and not judge you. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way, I know.

Hi everyone. I had to move back in with family after I was placed on disability because with what they are going to give me I can't afford to support myself anymore. I did look into resources but I don't want to live in some shelter so family was the next best option. I talked to my parents last night and just like I expected they were livid. After they blew a gasket & foamed at the mouth for a few hours they said they would take me in if I agreed to place the baby with a relative of a friend of theirs that lives in Texas. I don't even know them but I agreed because the last thing I want is to be homeless and pregnant. My family agreed to let me be as long as I don't discuss the pregnancy or tell anyone else about it, which is stupid because last time I checked I wasn't getting any smaller. I didn't expect their reaction to be any different but now I'm dreading the move. I cried for a long time last night at how stupid & careless I was. There are moments that I wish I had the courage to terminate rather than tell them. My mom asked why didn't. She said a coworker terminated at 28 weeks & I could too. But as easy as it sounds the truth is I don't have it in me to even contemplate the idea. It horrifies me to think of ending his life just to fix mine. I could never make him pay the price for my family's shame. Now I wish Friday was years away from now

Do you have any friends you could stay with? I think you're walking down a bad path if you are agreeing to place your child with your parents' friends just for a place to live now. A lot of people would consider that coersion, myself included. I understand not wanting to live in a shelter. But are your parents literally the only place you can live right now? Are you getting prenatal care or do you have access to any counselors? Maybe they can help you find another living solution.

Another thought...if your parents are trying to force you to keep quiet about the pregnancy now and trying to force you to choose a particular family, do you really think they'll be supportive of any kind of open adoption like you have with your daughter? What if they constantly tell this family that you just need to move on and that they should not contact you ever? If you feel adoption is the route you need to go, I really hope and pray that you can make the decisions you need to make based solely on what's best for your child and not let yourself be pushed into a decision you're going to regret possibly forever.

I don't think they have the right to make you choose between a place to live and giving up your child. I was made to place my son up for adoption by my mother a long time ago. She was sick, we were very poor, and I was 16, but to this day I have not forgiven her or myself. They don't know what their asking of you. What would they do if you keeped the baby? Would they put you and a new born out onto the street? There is help out there that I didn't know about. If I had know back then what I know now my son would be in my life. What about the father? He has responsibility regardless if he's marred or not. He choose to live that life and put you in the middle. I is not fair that it's all on you. You could go to court and he would have to financially support the baby. Who cares if he is marred this is his child too, and has to take care of him. I always cared about what others said and thought, and made my decisions on what others wanted. I shouldn't have done that. All that realy matters is you and what you want. Don't let others make you do what you don't want to do. Stand up for your self. If you keep the baby it will be hard, but you can do anything that you put your mind to. And in 100 years no one will remember.

Let me start out by saying that you are truly and inspiration. I am adopted, the respect that I have for my birth mother is so immense, that I would like to adopt my future children as well! If your higher power didn't believe you could handle something of this nature, he wouldn't have put you in these situations! You need to do what you feel is right. You need to think about your life and the life of that beautiful baby boy! I honestly do not think that anyones opinion and sway what your heart feels. If you need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to chat. Hopefully you figure everything out, with your own interests in mind as well. Good luck sweetheart! :]