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Hi, thanks in advance for your replies! I need some advice. Here is the situation: My friend's sister had a baby. Let's call him "Hippie" for anonymity sake. Hippie is 3 months old. Hippie was born addicted to drugs. CPS got involved. Hippie was sent home from the NICU after withdrawal and is living with his Aunt - we'll call her Gretta. CPS issued a TCN and named Gretta as guardian. Mom has failed at least 4 weekly urine tests in the last 6 weeks. There is major drama in their family, including lots of drug use and partying. Mom says she will get clean, but does not have the support system needed to do so. It has been one month since the TCN. She will have up to 15 months to prove she is a suitable mother. Grandma is also a user and enables those around her. Grandma is also very wealthy and uses her money to manipulate others. Gretta is loving, kind, and gracious. However, has her own set of issues, including little to no emotional or physical support from boyfriend, family, and frequent house guests. She also has a 6 month old and a teenager, so she is stretched quite thin. She has said in the past that she does not plan to adopt Hippie. However, she is definitely getting more attached as the weeks go by. Hippie is wonderful. A gem of a baby. And my husband and I are in love with him. We have been fortunate to be able to babysit when the need arises. And have become VERY protective of little Hippie. Several weeks ago, Hippie was ill, and Gretta was an emotional wreck due to boyfriend and family drama. We took care of Hippie and helped nurse him back to health for 4 days, 3 nights. At the time, Gretta was withdrawn from Hippie (mainly because he was fussy, and because of her rocky relationship with Hippie's mom), but now that Hippie is healthy and quite an easy baby, Gretta is loving him a little more. However, Hippie does spend most of his day in his swing. Rarely held, and bottles are usually propped up. I beleive Hippie needs early intervention. He may be perfectly healthy, or he may not be. Any and all physical and emotional interraction that he receives now is going to be vital to his development. He is not getting enough of that in his home. Not because Gretta does not want to, but because she is not capable. Her two children naturally receive the majority her attention. And Gretta's boyfriend refuses to parent Hippie - heck, he hardly parents his own child. To my knowledge, Gretta is the ONLY close relative in the family who can care for Hippie. There are three possible father's. All three abuse drugs and one is incarcerated for dealing. None are suitable parents. Extended family on the father's side is presently unknown. We want to adopt Hippie. We are not family members. We have told Gretta that we would like to foster, but Mom selfishly insists she is "going to get her baby back". And Gretta is not only now attached, but is fearful that Grandma and other family members will hold her accountable forever, if Hippie is "given away". Grandma, Step-Grandpa, other Aunt, friends, have all told Gretta that we would be the best situation for Hippie. We make it apparent how much we adore him. And have told her of our desire to have Hippie in our home permanently. We are willing to do an open adoption, with boundaries. Gretta seemed to feel like we would be the best option too, until about the last 7 days...attachment. So what to do? To CPS, we are nothing. To Mom, we are her sister's friend, and since she is not considering an adoption alternative, we are nothing. Hippie does not yet have a CASA - which I think is what he needs, his advocate. Because honestly, Gretta's home is not as stable as CPS is being led to believe. A CASA would be able to determine that better. We are willing to get certified to foster and foster/adopt. But how do we convince Gretta that Hippie and all involved will be better off? Because unless CPS determines that Gretta is not suitable as guardian, I don't know if Gretta will voluntarily let go. I want to contact the CPS worker and inform her of my knowledge about the home and family - because I care for Hippie. And though I feel we are the BEST option, a suitable foster home where Hippie received the care needed, would be better. If I break Gretta's trust, Hippie will not end up with us anyway, so I don't feel like contacting CPS is ideal. Mom is not likely to get clean. Gretta's relationship with her boyfriend is always on the rocks. If I push too hard, Gretta will feel even more drama in her life and likely withdraw from our friendship, so again, Hippie will not end up with us. I don't have a way to contact Hippie's Mom, nor do I think that it would matter, since technically, Hippie belongs to the state. Unless I could convince Mom to do an open adoption...but would the state even let her make that decision at this point? Association with Hippie's family is a concern for us. As I stated, Grandma uses money to manipulate others. We won't stand for that. So even if we got past all the red tape that is currently in front of us...being a "part of" their family is concerning. But we are willing to do it for Hippie. What to do?
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. Unless I could convince Mom to do an open adoption...but would the state even let her make that decision at this point?
but Mom selfishly insists she is "going to get her baby back
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Hi caths1964 - thanks for your reply. I've tried to emotionally eliminate myself from the situation to be sure that I wasn't being selfish myself. It's hard, very hard to do that when feeling the need to protect the baby. Mom is addicted to prescription drugs (which she gets from her Mom), is on methodone treatment with no end in sight, drinks daily, smokes speed and pot, does whippits and other things I can't even recall the names, and has no desire to improve herself. Because of the family money, she has no intentions of finding a career path in order to support her new life as a single mother. Instead of making appointments to see her sweet baby, she goes clubbing...and then complains that Gretta doesn't bring the baby to her enough...and it goes on and on and on. She is abusing the states welfare system, wic, medical...because she has no paycheck technically. And instead of giving the food money to her sister to buy the expensive formula and supplies, she uses it for herself and her party friends. It's more than drugs. It's lifestyle. Other than saying she will, she is not taking any action to change. Any time she is confronted about the issues and the possibility of losing her baby, she threatens to take her own life and goes on a drug/sex binge. She has received psychiatric care many times. But refuses to enter an addiction treatment facility. At one point about two months ago, after offering to help her sister Gretta with Gretta's baby, she fell down the stairs with him in her arms...in a pill induced stupor. It IS very sad, I mutter that to myself every day. And it would be absolutely wonderful if she did get clean and straighten out her life. Certainly would be a good investment of that family money - but she refuses...in fact, isn't even dropping her urine samples right now for testing. I am concerned with timing. The first 6 months are so important for bonding, attachment, and development. Especially for a baby who was exposed to drugs. I feel that if action isn't taken now, to create a permanent place for sweet Hippie - that he will be bounced around and possibly even removed from the family all-together, 6-14 months from now. I feel it is important for adopted children to know their biological heritage. And this family has a great one, three generations past. I think open adoptions can be wonderful, given proper guidelines and boundaries are adhered to. Because of our relationship with Gretta, we feel that we could be the perfect bridge for this baby and Mom. To make it possible for the baby to grow and live in a stable, loving home, without being completely removed from his heritage.
fulloflife4love
Hi caths1964 - thanks for your reply. I've tried to emotionally eliminate myself from the situation to be sure that I wasn't being selfish myself. It's hard, very hard to do that when feeling the need to protect the baby. Mom is addicted to prescription drugs (which she gets from her Mom), is on methodone treatment with no end in sight, drinks daily, smokes speed and pot, does whippits and other things I can't even recall the names, and has no desire to improve herself. Because of the family money, she has no intentions of finding a career path in order to support her new life as a single mother. Instead of making appointments to see her sweet baby, she goes clubbing...and then complains that Gretta doesn't bring the baby to her enough...and it goes on and on and on. She is abusing the states welfare system, wic, medical...because she has no paycheck technically. And instead of giving the food money to her sister to buy the expensive formula and supplies, she uses it for herself and her party friends. It's more than drugs. It's lifestyle. Other than saying she will, she is not taking any action to change. Any time she is confronted about the issues and the possibility of losing her baby, she threatens to take her own life and goes on a drug/sex binge. She has received psychiatric care many times. But refuses to enter an addiction treatment facility. At one point about two months ago, after offering to help her sister Gretta with Gretta's baby, she fell down the stairs with him in her arms...in a pill induced stupor. It IS very sad, I mutter that to myself every day. And it would be absolutely wonderful if she did get clean and straighten out her life. Certainly would be a good investment of that family money - but she refuses...in fact, isn't even dropping her urine samples right now for testing. I am concerned with timing. The first 6 months are so important for bonding, attachment, and development. Especially for a baby who was exposed to drugs. I feel that if action isn't taken now, to create a permanent place for sweet Hippie - that he will be bounced around and possibly even removed from the family all-together, 6-14 months from now. I feel it is important for adopted children to know their biological heritage. And this family has a great one, three generations past. I think open adoptions can be wonderful, given proper guidelines and boundaries are adhered to. Because of our relationship with Gretta, we feel that we could be the perfect bridge for this baby and Mom. To make it possible for the baby to grow and live in a stable, loving home, without being completely removed from his heritage.
My best advice would be to start the process for becoming foster parents in case he becomes available. As for calling, that is your call, though simply not getting the child early intervention probably will not be enough to get the child removed. There usually needs to be abuse or more serious neglect.
Yes, get licensed. There are a hundred reasons that would benefit you to get licensed even if you end up not fostering and none not to. And--If not this baby, then another. Or a child. You have a lot to give. Tennessee is one of the few rogue states that actually puts non-permanent placement and custody with a fit and willing relative AHEAD of adoption as the second priority disposition after RU. This is in violation of AFSA, but yet the state still gets its Title IV-E funding (which, of course, does not go to any of those children who are in the care of relatives). It is also one of the few states (there are five or fewer) that have codified that they will allow social services departments to ignore the 15/22 to file for TPR whenever the child is being cared for by a relative. It doesn't go as far as prohibiting TPR on the parents of a child in the care of relatives, but effectively.... This violates the spirit of AFSA, but takes advantage of a loophole built in for a different purpose. And all that applies even when the child IS in foster care, which this child is not. Getting this child into foster care in the current budget cutting atmosphere would be nigh unto impossible unless someone can prove that he is in imminent danger of serious injury or death while in Gretta's care. Then the same thing would have to be proved for any other relative that chose to step up and help the family avoid foster care. If you really care about this baby, perhaps Gretta can or will allow you to care for him--maybe days during the week or maybe full-ime--for this period. If that can be done with court approval, that would be much better, but mother's attorney would probably fight it. The point is, you could enrich his life now but you'd have to go in knowing that you may have to let him go in the end. However you do it, do not call it a day care arrangement or accept payment. Do it and have it in writing that you are doing it as a close friend of the family who has bonded with the baby. Doing something like this would be huge, I know, it is what foster parents do every day. I am thinking, though, that if you could and did take on this role--Gretta could explain to her family that she is overwhelmed on a daily basis and needs help--and the family could see and experience what it is like to have baby with you, that that would build trust. Understand, though, that the state may NEVER TPR on this mother as long as there is a relative willing to step up to custody/guardianship. They don't have to take on that cost, they downshift it to the family. This is justified as "family friendly." This has always been a problem in some states, but is becoming more and more widespread in the past few years because of budget cuts. Now I have to stop writing, or this will get political.:o Good luck, I hope things work out well one way or the other.
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There is a slim chance that you and Gretta could finesse this. If you care for the child and bond with him, then mother does not get her act together AND all relatives step down from guardianship, you may be able to petition for and win guardianship. The state would far sooner concur with that arrangement, and may even consider you a relative for purposes of placement given your prior relationship with the child, than take the child into custody, use a foster resource for him, and take on the expense of a case plan, services, and eventual TPR. The burden of the legal adversarial relationship with the parents would shift from Gretta to you. Eventually you might be able to TPR on her yourselves. You can begin to explore TN law here: Child welfare site.
Last update on July 24, 7:36 am by Sachin Gupta.
Thank you everyone, for your input! We are considering getting certified. It's tough because we decided a few years ago that our family was complete, but THIS child has made us think twice...and there is so much to consider. Gretta wants to keep Hippie away from Mom for safety reasons. In the last three days there have been two incidents which included police. One having to do with her locking herself in a room with the baby during supervised visitation, and another - a DUI. It is incredible the lengths Mom is going to, practically proving she is unfit. And yet, completely blind to the fact that she is ruining it for herself. Gretta spoke to the CPS agent assigned to the case and was told that if Mom loses rights completely, either Gretta has to adopt, or the baby goes into foster care, without any say from the family about placing her with a friend or more extended family member. I'm not sure how cut and dry that is...but we are looking into it. Again, thanks for all your advice and if you have any more, I am listening!:coffee:
A lot has happened, and I need some more advice. Two months after my last post, I decided I had to do something. Crappy boyfriend was still around. Gretta was extremely attached and planning to keep Hippie in the long run. I was called as a reference for her home-study, and out of the 4 references, was the only one who told the truth. Apparently Gretta did not list her live-in boyfriend on her application. A very big deal. I didn't know this - and discussed the issues that were happening because of this crappy live-in boyfriend with the social worker. Her only concern was that Hippie was not in any danger. So Hippie stayed in place. I felt Gretta needed to make some changes, so even though the phone call was confidential, I told her about it. She promptly kicked crappy boyfriend to the curb so that she could show that he was not living in her home. Yeah! Then a few weeks later, Hippie disappeared. Come to find out, I was not the only one concerned about the situation. Grandpa called CPS to find out what would happen if Mom continued to spiral downward. She was told that Hippie would be placed into foster care and likely adopted out. So Grandpa told them to come get Hippie...since that was going to happen anyway. Gretta is beyond made at me for not lying for her, and won't speak to me. So there is a lot of tension. But Grandma and Grandpa are not mad and have spoken to me on occasion when I've run into them. They understand and appreciate my actions. Gretta is very sad - she had grown to love Hippie very much. So here we are, approaching 6 months - and Mom's first official court date. This could be it. She has not improved, in fact has gotten worse. And there is a chance that CPS may pull the plug very soon. Should we try to see if we can foster/adopt Hippie? We still want to, but given the tension between us and Gretta, and possibly Mom...just don't know. And if we do press for it, will CPS and the court even give us the time of day? Based simply on a previous relationship with Hippie?
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