Healing the feelings of being alone

You say you are not good at communicating your feelings, and yet, at least in writing, it is clear that you can articulate them very well. You mentioned that you tried therapy for a while. Are you still in therapy? How long had/have you been going? These are not easy issues to deal with, and I think ongoing counseling is probably in order. I don't think there is a magic bullet to change yourself, it takes time, but having the awareness of what you want to change and the desire to do so are definitely important. I would also recommend getting things out in writing (as you write so well). Do you keep a journal? This can be a helpful tool to look back on and see where you were and what kind of progress you have made. You might want to break things down, too, and work on one issue at a time and take small steps to try to change. If, for instance, you want to work on control issues, see if you can catch yourself being controlling and practice letting go of control with easier things. Once you master the easy things, try to tackle more difficult control issues. There are many self help books out there that might help you make the improvements in your life you are looking to make. I think it is also important to find positive things to do that make us feel better about ourselves. I have found for me, exercise really helps when I am feeling angry or when I feel out of control. After a good run, I feel so much better about myself and whatever situation I was feeling out of control about. Working on hobbies I enjoy helps me with my self esteem. As much as I think it is important to understand ourselves and work on making changes, it is also important to get out of our heads and engage in some positive things in life that make us happy and can take us away from our issues for a bit. We all need a break or distraction from time to time.

I totally understand where you are coming from...I am 36 years old and have been struggling with the abandonment issue for my entire life...always pushing away those who love me so I do not feel like they have left me....I have been a controlling person because my life has always been so out of my control....I met my BM 11 years ago..along with my BF family at the sametime. I have always grown up never feeling like I fit in anywhere and ruining all relationships because I am afraid to let anyone in emotionally. I have been married for four years now..and struggled with my husband because he did not understand why I was so scared everytime he left the house. Anxiety is huge for me...the feeling of someone leaving and not coming back..It took a very big crisis in my life...most of which relating to my anger towards feeling abandoned. I have learned through seeing a psychologist that these feelings are normal....but need to be dealt with in a way to learn how to cope in relationships. To allow others to love me the way I should be loved and to accept their love, that they are not going anywhere...The abandonment feeling will never go away but how I cope with it will help....trusting the one closest to you is the most important and allowing them to love you for who you are....my story could go on forever as it is very complicated...I just do not want to see someone go through their lives feeling angry and helpless because they were adopted..it ruins relationships and our inner self....It goes back to the separation at birth from the birthmom and the child...that scars a baby emotionally right from the start...it is how we cope with this that is the most important...

Hey- I read your post and teared up immediately. I don't have the same situation, no kids, but understand the feelings of abandonment, and not knowing how to 'let people in'. I think people will always leave me like they always did before. So, I feel like you wrote from in my head!! I, on the other hand have a boyfriend but find it impossible to let others, friends, in to know me. It is ruining my life because I don't have much of family either. I haven't figured it out yet, but am working on it everyday and because I do understand- if you ever need someone to listen or just talk---email me. Keep trying though, little things can really surprise you. That's what keeps me going, the small things. Seriously, I am really sorry that you feel so bad, lonliness is probably one of the worst feelings out there. At least we aren't alone and can, hopefully, provide a little bit of understanding :) I fiqure if that is all we can get from this stuff that is soooo tough, we might as well abuse it!! :)

have you read "the primal wound" and "coming home to self, healing the primal wound"? I didn't know i was adopted until I was 36, and then it was only until I read these books, through sessions with my therapist that kept hitting a block, that i have finally found the key to understanding the inner me and learning to work round it. I recognise all of the feelings of abandonment, and the relationship patterns. I am the most loving, caring, attentive girlfriend, and yet at times i feel so detached my partners feel distanced, rejected, because i have this need always to be able to stand on my own, alone, to rely on no-one, to do it all myself, as if I am in survival mode all the time and i have learned to trust no-one, which puts me into a self destruct relationship situation. Emotionally, i have issues that go back to that "primal wound" and to understand them is the key that started to unravel the inner me, a journey I am making right now, slowly, and as i develop that self understanding; i begin to let free the anxieties, fears, anger that have distorted my view over the years, but i am left almost with a blank page, at 42, having to work out who i really am, the real me, un distorted, uncomplicated by the issues that have blinded me up to this time... I never met my birthmum, she died the day after she got my letter from birthlink in scotland. I grieve for her, it is a grief that goes to the core of me. I don't understand how an adult can grieve in this way for someone they never knew, and then I have to accept that this is the grief of a six day old baby separated from its mother, it is real, and it is possibly my first emotional memory, the trauma of separation from my birthmum. anyway, reading your posts, i understand. It is something based on the trauma of a child being separated from a biological mother in the first few days of life, and the best we can do is learn about it, and hopefully learn to work round it, ie to learn how to heal that primal wound... that's what i am trying to do, the journey I am on.

I am 45 years old, never been married. I have had more sexual partners then I can count. I have the same feelings as you but never though about them till I saw your post.

Being adopted comes with alot of emotional issues...I do not believe that many people understand this, some who are adopted do not even understand this at times. It is amazing how the separation from the BM and child causes such emotional turmoil that we are left to figure out as we grow older. You are 45 and say you have a hard time attaching to a partner....I hear what you are saying and understand how I have a hard time keeping those who are close to me in my life....without pushing them away. I am learning how to cope with that though...and I hope you are able to figure it out as well....It is tough going through life and never feeling like you fit in anywhere. No one ever said it was easy....I wish it was!!!

". . . i begin to let free the anxieties, fears, anger that have distorted my view over the years, but i am left almost with a blank page, at 42, having to work out who i really am, the real me, un distorted, uncomplicated by the issues that have blinded me up to this time. . ." A most elegant expression of the healing process. :clap:

as you, i too am new to these forums- so i offer you this- you are not alone as from what i can see and read on this site amazingly enough, it seems "us" adoptees have several things in common- i have experienced a lot of what you are saying.. and i just wanted to let you know that your not "crazy" you are and have the right to feel the way you do- i, just turned 40 can relate to a lot of what has been said in several of these postings. I only wished i new about them earlier, if it helps any, reading the others postings helped me with knowing that I'm not "crazy" and that these feelings i have are real and others do encounter the same. I too am very thankful for the life i was given with my adopted family for they are what i am today, but it baffles me to even think of what a unselfish my birth mom and father were to be able to give away their own flesh and blood- wow- being adopted myself i have always said to myself i could not do what they did reason being, because of knowing how my thoughts are as an adoptee, i would not want my child to have to go through it. i hope this makes sense, but people always say, you have a great life, you should be so thankful for it. I know this.. but because of all the thoughts and questions and just plain "who am i" on top of all the other stuff we go through as children/young adults/adults it just seems to add on more pressure of oneself. i always think that others who are not in our situation just don't seem to get it... they have the answers in that their flesh and blood is in front of them throughout the years, the wonderment of who they look or take after isn't there, the whys and the i know it was for the best but really?? is never in their minds. so i offer this, because i have read things people post and from my own experiences in life, take it day by day.. realize that if you have a family of your own one day that it is yours and that is the beginning of your true identity. I know that its very hard to relate to people or get close, myself now divorced with children understands this well. But, i do know that my children are what keeps me going and with that knowledge, they are my flesh and blood and they are a part of me- which is undeniably special ..I've come to grips with my feelings of the variety of ups and downs that i have dealt with over the years knowing that i was adopted has thrown me for a loop. I don't ever think i will be able to understand why it is the way i feel, i just know that i do- be that as it may, i cannot dwell on things i cannot change, but i can try and make the best out of what is to come. i hope i shed a little help in that you are not alone in your feelings and that it is a perfectly normal behavior to feel the way you do. I wish you peace and good luck in your life, and continue to write and speak out how you feel as this may be the only way to deal with what us "adoptees" can do to heal the feelings that come with as being adopted.. only we who have been can only understand... take care.

or indeed two books The Primal Wound and also Coming Home to Self, Healing the Primal Wound both by Nancy Newton Verrier also, I would recommend going to find a therapist who is good with dealing with "complex post traumatic stress disorder" and who knows about Self Therapy (therapy that helps you find your authentic self), as well as therapeutic massage/eye movement techniques to reach emotional memory. az

I have felt the same as you and everyone's advice is good. I also have faith in God and my faith has been my constant through everything! It really is a blessing for me. I still have plenty of instances where I don't feel like I belong in any families (a or n or in-law) and times where I feel like I belong in all of them. About 10 years ago I came to the realization that not a single person can make me happy, that it is a choice that I must make. I also realized that love isn't a feeling, but also a choice we must make (think about your kids, it's hard to feel love for them when they are acting super bad or throwing up all over you, but you still hug them when they are bad and clean them up when they throw up, you don't flee though you may wish you didn't have to deal with the not-so-pretty side of parenting). You are making a choice to love your children. And in raising children you are trusting that your parenting will cause everything to be okay in the end. Now you must take that and extend it to others. But first you must figure out what you would like out of life. Make a list, prioritize it. I read an article in the paper about 11 years ago about a woman who had IBS and made a list of 100 things she was looking for in a mate. She was pretty honest about the IBS within the first few dates, and eventually she married someone who met 87 of the 100 (it may have been a few more or less, but was definitely in the 80s) qualities she was looking for from her list. I did that and well I can say that I didn't settle until I met someone who had a lot of the qualities I was looking for and can say that my husband has about 95 of the 100 I had on my list (and I made my list about a year before we met and 2 years before we started dating). Starting out as friends first helped a LOT. I can't express enough how I believe being friends first is VITAL to building a loving and trust-filled life with someone. How can you trust them as a partner if you don't know if you can trust them as a friend first? And at the end of the day, it helps to feel secure being alone. I had to get to the point where I didn't need to rely on anyone for my happiness. I had to choose to be happy! And you know what, it's worked!

thank you for your kind words..

Thank you all for your wonderful posts. Your kind words have given me a courage and an understanding that I am not alone and that my feelings are valid. I have come a long way to loving and accepting myself for who I am. I have started reading the Primal wound and will read the next one too. I have also found keeping not only a journal but a gratitude diary, reminding myself of all the wonderful things I do have in my life have helped me stay focused on what is really important. So thank you, your support has meant so much to me.