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I was adopted at birth 22 years ago. i was always curious to know more about my biofam. than my sister who is also my sister and biosis. we were lucky to be adopted to gether by the same people and from the same people. since i was 16 i looked for my biofam on my own bout coul not find anything until last week. i had a brainstorm to find who would be my older biosis. who i knew only by a nickname that was told to me not even her first name. i found her via facebook and through her i found her/ my biofather. i sent them both messages with a bit of information that they may recognize if they were. and was 90% sure i had found them (i had never found a viable candidate until now) and she responded saying she knew that her parents had given 2 girls up for adoption to a couple in cali. though she didnt know much because neither of them ever talked about it for their own reasons. my biofather ill call him "ACD" also got my message i let him know that i would love to speak to him but i would understand if he was unwilling or not ready to. and gave him my number he called but i missed the call but he left a message on fb for me saying that he hopes i didnt change my mind and that he would love to talk to me at anytime. i was shocked he actually remembered my sister's and my birthdays. he said he has had anguish over giving us up for adoption, and that he has loved and missed us. and that he has hoped that we didnt hate him and could forgive him. in my response i told him a bit about me and my sister (letting him know also that she isnt ready to look or contact) but i told him that we have had a wonderful life and i know they screened possible parents for my sister and me carefully and they met several times. i want to tell him i never meant to cause him any anguish (even if it was not my fault) but i told him i know neither of us hate or resent him in any way. i told him thank you for calling me for responding and for giving me a great life. but i plan on calling him and talking to him. i obviously have questions and i want to know about them. but how much is too much to ask? or to tell? whats ok? what do i say? i dont want to hurt anyone and i do wish to be as respectful as possible. i dont think anyone ever wrote some guidelines down for a what to and not to say kind of deal on this. i do tend to get a little overzealous at times and suffer from saying what ever comes to my head but i dont want to just push them away. i can be a bit much sometimes. i like to shock the world i guess. any advise on what to say or ask? what should i definitely not say? whats a good time for a phone call? ( i dont want to call during dinner time or fam time... or while they are working?) thanks<3
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Having recently reunited with my son, I always advise just to take things slowly. My son and I communicated via email for several months before arranging a phone call, and I arranged the call. I just asked if he would like to talk soon and if so what would be a good day/time. I didn't just want to call him out of the blue and just mentioned this to him. If you are ready to, can you send your bdad an email and just ask him what a good time would be for him to talk and have a scheduled phone call? It is really nerve-wracking that first time you talk, but he will be nervous, too. I wouldn't worry too much about what to say, just let it flow. The conversation will take on a life of its own anyway, no matter how you try to orchestrate it beforehand. I recommend writing down some questions that you know you definitely want to ask, and also things you want to say to him, just so you don't forget, but I wouldn't try to talk about everything in one call. I don't think you will say anything hurtful. You sound like a considerate person just by what you are writing here. I'm sure that will come through in your communciation with your birth family. In terms of being overzealous, and saying everything on your mind, that may happen especially if you are prone to it and nervous (and you will be!). You can try to recognize it as it is happening and rein it in, but if not, I think your bdad will be forgiving. My son is like this, but he did not say anything that offended me. Good luck!
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