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This is a long version, but I'll tell it as succinctly as I can. I am a 43 year adoptee, and I've always known. Over the years, I've registered online on different sites so I could get matched up if my birth parents wanted contact. There was never a match.
About three years ago, a woman phoned me and said she could find my birth mother, for only x number of dollars. I felt, oh, why not, and gave her my credit card number. She called back within an hour with names. She also offered to facillitate contact with my birth mother for another payment of x dollars. Ok, let's give it a try.
She called back the next day and said the my birth mother wasn't comfortable with a phone call but would answer an email. OK. I sent a heartfelt email and receieved no answer.
OK, did this woman on the phone scam me? Maybe. Oh, well.
BTW, the man named as my birth father died years before. My birth parents married each other months after I was born and stayed married until his death.
A few months ago, I started using Facebook. I found my putative birth mother. I found a huge extensive group of relatives. There was a picture, but I couldn't tell if there was a resemblence. I sent her a private message, offering my birth date and asking her if she is the person I've been looking for.
For months, I didn't receive a reply, and it seemed that she hadn't gone on FB in that time.
During this time, I also found HS yearbook pictures of my putative birth parents. WELL, there is certainly NO doubt. I look, oddly, exactly like both of them.
So, one day a few weeks ago, I looked on FB and my birth mother had blocked me, as had her sister. And she has turned her FB profile private and taken down her picture.
OK. I have strong feelings about her ducking me instead of answering. I'm trying to understand but I can't believe someone I'm closely related to has, well, whatever strong feelings that outweigh any curiosity.
Anyway, I have two cousins that are a few years younger than me, in their late 30s. One of them, based on her FB page, seems to have a lot in common with me. I'd like to contact her and her brother. Our mothers are sisters and very close.
I want to send my cousin a note but I don't know if I should. My mother has (in a chicken way!) made it clear she doesn't want contact. Does she have the right to determine that we don't have the right to have contact with each other?
Do I have the right to disrupt anyone's life at this point?
My birth parents were married 9 months after I was born and given up. They didn't have any other children.
I just want answers, and no one will even acknowledge me!
Can any suggest good next steps?
Thanks!
Andrea
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I know this is hard for you, but remember that it's very hard for her too. What's more, it came as a complete shock to her. You've been searching for her, and had come to terms with your desire to get in touch with her, but for her it came out of the blue with no warning and no chance to prepare herself.
There are a few things that might be going on with her. One is that she just truly doesn't want contact with you. It hurts, but sometimes it does happen. Another possibility is that she's just taking the time to come to terms with it, and might get in touch with you later. Hearing from you has probably brought up a whole bunch of emotions from years ago that she never dealt with, which means she's probably feeling them all over again now and will need time to get through that.
Another thing that may be an issue, and that could blow up in your face if you do start contacting other family members, is that she may have never told anyone about you. It sounds like her sister knew, since she knew to block you on Fb, but maybe nobody else in the family does. I know that's the case with my bparents. Like yours, they married shortly after I was born (a year and a day after, to be exact), and are still married now more than 40 years later. However, they have never told anyone else in their family about me, including their 2 raised kids, even now a year and a half after I got in touch with them. There's all sorts of shame involved there, no only with having given up a child for adoption (a shame they clearly never got over), but also with having kept that major secret from people who love and trust them for so long. That makes it very, very hard to even contemplate saying anything now.
So, with that in mind, it's possible that your bmother has also never told her relatives about you, and if you contact them and tell them her deepest, darkest secret, she could get really upset with you. It could affect whether she ever wants to have a relationship with you, which hopefully she will after some time. I'm not saying this is absolutely the case, but it's a strong possibility, so you should probably tread very carefully.
I think my advice would be to wait a while. I know that's really hard, but you've waited 43 years already. Give her a chance to come to terms with this. Maybe try getting in touch again in a few months, just to say "I'm still here, are you willing to talk?" Hopefully she'll be a bit more receptive then. If you still don't get a response, send another message saying you want to get in touch with your cousins, but want to be sensitive to her needs, and want to give her a chance to ask you not to and tell you why. Say that if you don't hear from her, you'll go ahead and contact them. At the very least, that may get a response from her, even if it's not a very nice one.
While you're waiting, I suggest you read the book <i>The Girls Who Went Away<\i> by Ann Fessler. It gives really good insights into what happened to bmothers in that era, as well as how many of them still feel about it today.
Good luck!
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My sister and recently I decided to contact our birthfather's sister, to ask about our medical history, since he wouldn't respond to either one of us. I expected to either not get an answer back, or a terse one. What we've gotten instead is warmth and welcoming, both by her, her husband, and their grown daughters. At this point, your birthmother has made it clear she doesn't want contact with you. It's not her choice who you should or shouldn't contact, and quite frankly I don't think you owe her any level of privacy. At the very least, you do need to know your medical history/background.
ArtistAndrea
Did you see that it's been over 3 years since I first made contact with my birth mother?
I will consider all you've said, but how much time should I give her?
Isn't three years enough to wait?
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I think you should contact other family members now.3 years + the many other years - that is plenty of time. YOU deserve to do this for yourself. We can't just sit and hope our birthmothers will all of a sudden welcome us into their lives.I contacted my BM twice over the course of 10 years. It's been 4 years since I last tried, so I used FB and got no response. I said, "enough of this. I've been trying to please her for 10 years, time to please myself", so I contacted her sister. You know what? It was the first time I truly did something for me and it feels great!
Well, my bmother's sister has already blocked me as well.
What kind of response did you get from her sister?
I just don't think there is enough to gain, to disprupt someone's life. I always said I didn't want to find someone who didn't want to be found. I certainly don't hold out any affection for the woman who called me and found my birth parents!
I had a great fantasy about my bmother being a famous actress, etc. I wish I'd stuck with that instead of finding out the truth. I always knew it was a fantasy, but it was sure a good one!
Andrea
Hello. I am an adult adoptee who is planning to film a documentary about adoptees and their struggle to find members of their birth families. It will focus on the difficult search process, in terms of the material and psychological effects it has on the adoptee and their families.
In the production stage, we will be filming in Austin, Texas. We need your help, in a supportive way through getting the word out about what we are doing, writing letters to you state representatives and the white house, as well as your donations, both large and small.
If you would like to appear in the documentary, please send me a one-page synopsis of what has happened to you in your search and it must be so compelling that I could not turn you down.
Please visit our website at [url=http://www.newsfromnighteagle.com]NEWS FROM NIGHT EAGLE - Home[/url] for more information.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Carol Shoemaker, Director
Adult Adoptees: Second-Class Citizens (An Indy Film)
Diamond in the Rough Productions
A Carol Shoemaker Production
254 577-5958
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