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I've been an adoptive mom for 10 years. Our son was five when he came to us after 3 years in foster care. He hated to be hugged or sit on anyone's lap, and didn't really like to be touched at all. He wanted to call us by our first names rather than mom and dad. None of this was a surprise to us and we accepted him as he was with all the baggage his life had loaded on to him.
Through the years he has grown up to be a fine young man. At 16, he gets good grades, is successful musician and athlete, is well liked by his peers. Things that haven't changed are that he has still doesn't want us to hug him even at home, never calls us mom or dad, and some times reacts to even a casual touch on the shoulder as though he is being attacked.
A few months ago he started dating a girl he likes very much but doesn't seem to want us to have anything to do with her. She has never come to our home, because we have cats and she allergic to them. Her parents are well off, her father a prominent doctor in the town where we live. He spends all his time with her, most often at her house and with her family. Right now he's on a ski trip with her family.
Most of that seems like any other kid, but here's where my struggle comes in. The other day he went to a track meet and posted on his facebook page how he did. One of the people who congratulated him was his girl friend's mother. He responded to her with "thanks momma C". Since the moment I read those words, I've felt unbelievably hurt. He called her momma, there where all his friends could see. For two days I've felt like crying all the time. I don't know what to do. When I try to think about how to handle it I feel like I should just let go. No adoptive child is ever more "your child" than they allow themselves to be.
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You also need to reflect on the "risk" to your son of calling you mom because he knows moms "leave" if you need/love/trust them...vs calling someone else that term who doesn't hold any of his heart strings other than fondness for someone elses mom who wants to be called mom by all... Kind regards,Dickons
Since he doesn't call you "Mom", I can completely understand why this hurts! I think Dickons makes a great point above with his "risk" factor involved and given his background, it makes sense.
That said, your feelings are valid no matter what his reason is. It might help to talk to a therapist well versed in adoption "issues"? I think with all the factors involved in your relationship with him and how he doesn't seem fully bonded with you, a therapist might be able to help your family.
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my daughter came to me at 15 months and it was the same story you relate about your son. It is very painful. I did a lot of work during the teen years because she would connect to her partner's mother more than me. Even to the point of celebrating mothers day with that parent and blowing me off.
It has been hard and no amount of explanation salves the heart ache. I pray alot and I think positive thoughts about my child and hope for the best. She is now 35. She has been with the same person for 10 years and slowly over the 10 years she pushed me out.
The therapists will tell you there is an attachment disorder all around loyalty and loss and until the child is ready, you can't do anything but hope. I wish I had a happy response to this but so far I am still in this boat.
Things have gotten a bit better for us over the past several months. We have had a couple of serious talks about how it feels to hear him call some other woman mom. Also I twisted my ankle one night and broke it. I had to have surgery to repair the broken bone. Though there was nothing life threatening about it, I think it came as a shock to my son. Parents cannot live forever. He has been more aware of how his behavior effects us. His girlfriend still does not want to spend time with us, but he seems to see how that limits their relationship. The story you tell describes one of my worse fears. Losing a child to their unwillingness to be part of my life.
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i understand the hurt soo much my son does call me mom, but tells everyone he is adopted adn that im not his real mother when he gets upset but he sees some of his friends mothers as if they are the best thing since slice bread. he was resistant to hugs as well but i always was upest when i saw a female teacher hug him or he hugged girlfrienda because i felt like well if you are capable of love since im the one raising may i please get just a drop of it andit is a public display of screw you in my opinion