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OK, I know you are all going to say "how long is a piece of string" but we have been shown three situations so far and in each case there have been living expenses for the expectant mother, and we are not sure how typical these are, as they are kind of stretching our budget.
In two cases the expectant mother was quite early in pregnancy (one case first trimester) and the expense breakdown included rent, utilities etc. for all of pregnancy. I guess we were surprised because we had assumed that living expenses were for the period when the expectant mother cannot work, or has to reduce her hours at work or something. We also got an estimate for a situation where the mother is 6 weeks away from delivering and living expenses were about half those for the mother who is in her first trimester, so we were kind of wondering whether they had been backdated to before she contacted the agency?
Is this common, or should this not happen - should expenses only be for the period between contacting the agency and delivery?
I hate to sound petty but we have soooo many other expenses including some extra legal expenses, we are just wondering if we are going to miss out by asking our agency to hold off on higher priced situations? Plus husband says, well yes we are happy to help out if she cannot work due to pregnancy, but paying for several months when she can work, does it not look like we are "buying" the baby?
The situation with 6 weeks to due date is near the high end of the agency's suggested average range (the situation in the first trimester was over this range), but of course you never know whether the average range includes "very rare low cost" or just "fairly average low cost".
I really hate having to ask these questions, I feel bad even thinking them!
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We've only spoken to one attorney so far, but he indicated that he pays living expenses of all birth mothers while they are pregnant. For the birth mother he referenced to us, who was in her second trimester, expenses were almost $6,000. (He had them detailed out.)
I completely agree with you on feeling like we were "buying a baby" with this specific situation, but I also have dear friends who have adopted 2 adorable boys through this same attorney and had a great experience.
I'm interested in hearing what others who have gone through the process have to say.
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So we ended up not being chosen for this situation, but the case worker talked to us a bit more and said that yes this was a high end cost for so late in the pregnancy, but there are particular circumstances (especially since the expectant mother is so late on that clearly there is no way she is now going to be able to get a job before the birth - we didn't ask details but we think she lost her job/was laid off, and we know for one reason or another she had to move, plus she has kids she is parenting).
So even if this situation is not for us - it is clear that like the other situations we've heard about, these expenses are only from now till the birth, though they are higher than average.
In your shoes, I would ask your attorney to show you the advertising he uses to recruit expectant mothers to his program. I wouldnt be surprised if heҒs dangling the expense carrot, consider placing your child with loving parents and give him/her the life youӒve imagined. Your worries about rent and groceries will be taken care of during your pregnancy. Or some variation of the theme.
IMO as a first mother, I think paying direct expenses in the quest to obtain a child makes the adoptive parentsԒ participants in a coercive practice and leaves hopeful adoptive parents open to scams by women not ever intending to place.
There are services available for expecting parents. I hope that agencies and attorneys are assisting their clients to get enrolled in those services. I can contemplate situations where the expectant mother may be on bed rest or in the hospital for long periods, in those rare cases, the agency or attorney should have a fund set up that everyone contributes to for these rare situations.
I wish you the best.
personally, we didnt want to pay expenses First we didnt have any extra money to spend, second, i dont think its right to "pay" for a baby. maybe in an extreme case where the mom would be homeless and couldnt work because of the pregnancy, and in that case paying rent and maybe food woudl be acceptable for a month or two, but other than taht i kinda figure she would have these expenses whether or not she was placing, so thats not my responnsibility to pay for that.
it borders on coersive in my mind. I guess i always think, what did she do before she was pg?? I mean, yes, there are some expenses related to pregnancy, but your rent doesnt go up, your utilities dont go up, your phone doesnt go up, etc just because you are pg. Maybe some extra food, gas to go to doctor appts, etc
Bottom line was we couldnt afford to lose ANY money, so we didnt agree to any expenses. Plus, matching in the first trimester is pretty risky on top of expenses. Good luck, Rach
I am happy with paying expenses that someone would not be paying were they not pregnant, provided we can afford them - clearly they should not be linked to placement. If you lose your job because you're pregnant, or your job was ending but you cannot now find a new one because you are 4 weeks away from delivery, then that would not have happened had you not been pregnant.The agency we are with advertises on their website that they offer counselling for all alternatives in an unplanned pregnancy but they do also advertise that expectant parents can get some expenses. But even if they didn't advertise, if an expectant parent has placed a child before (one of the situations we have been told about) or knows someone who has (e.g. another situation we were told about the expectant mother stated she'd heard about the agency from a friend who placed a baby through that agency), then the parent will know about the expenses.I'm not sure what it gains to withhold information about legal expenses (where they are legal)? Though actually the agency doesn't say that some expenses aren't legal in some states, which could be confusing since of course expectant parents in other states will see the website.Could anyone point us to a state-by-state list of allowed expenses/legislation, by the way?
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