Birthmothers, if you ever wonder, the answer is "yes, desperately."

Thanks for the support and responses. Sometimes I think maybe if I did find her or answers, I'd regret it if what I find out is something horrible. My imagination runs away and I think maybe they're awful people or whatever. I don't know, I guess that's just my dissonance protecting my psyche...I do know my birthname and a search angel located the person she thinks was my father, I was given his name on my birth certificate and it's not very common. My mother's name is very common so she felt it would be easier to start with him. When I found all of this out (October 2006) he had recently passed away in March 2006. He had a daughter that was 20 at the time and a wife whom he'd been married to for a long time-I don't remember exactly how long but I think they were married in the late 70s, maybe early 80s. I have the info somewhere...So, if he was my father, I know I have a half-sister and I know her name, too. Last year, I looked her up on Facebook. I sent her a very short message just asking if she might have ever been told anything. It was very much on impulse and I never heard from her. I feel very badly about this because the last thing I'd want is to freak her out or shock her. I don't think that was the right way to handle it. That is why I didn't try very hard to contact the family when I first found all of this out. I felt it was too soon after his death and she was only 20 years old. Well, now she's a grad student in some kind of science field so she is obviously intelligent and I would assume emotionally mature. Anyway, even though I desperately want answers, sometimes I feel like maybe I should just leave it alone. It makes me sad, but deep down, I guess what I feel is that I don't deserve to know even though I KNOW I DO... So, again, thanks for the support. Even though these things bring up painful feelings, at the same time, it helps to know you aren't alone. I need to visit this forum more often, I guess. :grouphug:

Gopuppy01, No you are most definitely not alone. I get what you mean by comments like "I'd regret it if what I find out is something horrible" or "I think maybe they're awful people or whatever. I don't know...". I've been there. The unknowns and what ifs and what might I finds. You are probably right in it's a subconscious protection mechanism. Having been through the search and reunion process, I encourage you to think of it in a different way. Instead of what if I find something awful, consider what if you find something positive? Instead of thinking of it as intruding into people's lives, consider the possibility of learning about what it is that makes each other whole. I sound like I'm telling you to go for it, come you know what or high water. Not really. What I am encouraging you to do is to follow your heart and if you decide it's appropriate to do so, reach out to your birth family. Maybe in a more structured way than a Facebook post, but you get the idea. I, of course, am biased but I believe that we all have a right to know about ourselves. That does not guarantee that we will always like what we find, but we all deserve to know. A fact or an answer is better than the not knowing. Best, PADJ

Your other way at looking at it is very true, PADJ. In my case, I had both good and bad, the bad being the early death of my bmother but the good being a lovely extended bfamily. Even many of those who have contacted their family and found only bad often haven't regretted making contact because they at least have answers. Btw I like your avatar - I feel like that at times lol.

As my son and I reach the first anniversary our reunion our bond grows ever stronger. We are celebrating by getting matching tattoos! (my first) I used to consider myself a childless mother . We searched for each other for years without knowing we had the wrong names !!! this could be the same problems for others who have not yet been reunited. Kindest regards!!!

I am of the opinion that it is better to know the truth, even if it is ugly, than speculate on what might be or what might not be. And I agree that rather than automatically assuming the worst, it could just as easily be very positive.

You don't KNOW for sure whether anyone's looking. Certainly not whether or not they would like to look but feel they don't have the right. It's a hard process to start, for fear you'll find nothing, find something bad, or be rejected. All sides feel that! There are so many possible places to search, and not all agencies cooperate, not all states even allow registration.I waited a long time, was fearful, ashamed, and once I finally looked, my son had only posted in one very limited place.

While my son and I are happy and we both really like his Afather ... I'm sad to say it's not such a good report for his AMother. They really struggle to be civil to each other and the AMother manipulates his daughter when they are together. (usually facilitated by the little girls mother) I wish I'd agreed to have him adopted by one of my siblings. When I tell my son this he smiles and says "I am who I am because of the family you chose for me. " I do love him dearly and I'm constantly surprised at how alike we are in many ways. We have a mutual admiration thing between us! Don't despair about what you don't know. Hope for the best !

Gopuppy01, I am 42 years old and am in the search and reunion process. Three weeks ago, my case worker located my BMother and spoke with her by phone. My BMom said she was grateful and thankful that I reached out to her, and that it has already helped to give her some peace from all of her shame and guilt (this has been central issue in her life). She wanted to find me for years, but thought I would be angry or not want contact. From what I am learning, this is what many BMothers feel. If you have not read, "The Girls Who Went Away", I would highly recommend it. It will tell you so much about the time period between the 1950s - 1970s and how social and economic factors contributed to over 1 1/2 million adoptions. It is very enlightening. My BMom was one of the girls who were "sent away"... I wish you the very best, and if you do choose to search, know you have many adoptees on this sight who will be there for support, every step, along the way.

I always wondered the same thing. I am around your age and in reunion with my birth mom. She wanted to find me but felt that it wasn't her place. One thing she really struggled with is if she ever found out anything bag had happened to me she just wouldn't have been able to live with herself. So she just had to picture me happy. But she definitely wondered all the time about me and what I might be like. It was a very hard time in that era. It was a very shameful things to be pregnant and unmarried. I think these women carry that shame for their whole lives. I have no doubt your birth mother thinks of you often.

I celebrated my sons birthday every year. This year we celebrated together! Tommorow is the first anniversary of our reunion!! We are getting tattoos together ! My first ! LOL! We are absolutely smitten with each other and now live next door !

I never held my baby even though I loved him with all my heart! Surrendering him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. We are happy together now and forever!

I am trying to help someone find their birth mother, but I really don't know where to begin. I know his date of birth and the state and area of that state he was born in, but that's about it. I know he wants to find her desperately, but he is afraid of so many things. I want him to find her, and I want to help, but I don't know the first place to begin this search. Agencies won't give me any information as I am not the adoptee, adoptive parents or relative. Can anyone on here please help me help him find his birth mother? -Charlie

First, is there any reason your friend himself isn't choosing to search? Did you check the reunion registry on this site? I think you can find the link under reunite at the top of the page. Also, check to see if there is reunion registry in the state where he was born/adopted. Your friend will probably have to do that. You can also register with the ISRR (isrr.org), which is free and anonymous. Good luck!

Start with the agency. Hire someone that will only pay if you find her. In my expierence most people want to be found and have good reunions.

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