Desire to live alone

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I do believe it is a result of relinquishment especially as an older baby. Redcherry....I was almost 8 months old coming out of a foster home when I was adopted. I live by myself and am afraid of commitments. It is self preservation. I posted a lecture/video on here a while back about addiction and adoption. I think my subject line was something like "adoptees with no pre-trauma personality". I don't have addictions but the lecture will give you great insight into your feelings. If you google addiction and adoption, it should come up too. Better therapy for me than the real therapist I went to.

I don't have any expierience with this myself as an adoptee but I can tell you that I know many non-adoptees that feel like you do. My brother in law is not an adoptee and he loves being alone with no desire to commit to anyone or share his life. He is a writer and very talented. I asked him a few times why he has chosen not to settle down and get married and he said he was absolutely content in his own space. Ican respect that. Not everyone is meant to be married or in a commited relationship, especially these days. I am interested to read all the responses from adoptees because I never thought it to be adoption related.

I definitely have a tendency to be a bit of a loner... horrible at maintaining friendships and relationships. I don't see myself ever committing to a lifelong relationship, it would take an impossible amount of patience from my partner.

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Hey guys, Know how you feel., there are alot of times that I feel like I just want to be alone! Funny how at the same time I feel like I cant be alone, yet all the time I feel I need to please or be accepted by others. I am always trying to please others and not myself...."like its going to fill a void"..or if I do that they will accept me and love me and keep me...unlike my real parents...however at the same time my "wife" has said adopted kids are ****ed up!!!!! She dated a guy before and he beat her....But she goes after and marry's another..Nice Huh?????? My wife says that!!!! Boy that helps with my feelings of dissconnect. So do we all as adopted kids have to fight all the time emotionally?? Yeah we do! Are we stronger or weaker because of it??? I think both! I know we r all tired!!! In all regards we have to try harder and have bigger shoe to fill than biological kids. We are all expected, because we are not "real" to be better because we were "chosen"!!!!!! So, do we have more pressure?? YES! Do we expect more of ourselves??? YES! Do we try harder and at the same time are scared of commitment?? Yes!! We are the outsiders being judged whether we like it or not! If you are a parent like myself, all we can do is not let your biological children go through what we did!!!:clap:

yep!!!!!!!!

agree!! I have always lived alone and all tho there are times when there is a profound feeling of lonliness, to allow someone into my space would not work.Maybe it is a carry-over from my adoption, and there is still grief and loss.Maybe it's fear of being an outsider again, or perhaps allowing someone "in" who leaves. I wish you the best.

I read the best advice & answers I needed and had been searching for all of my life recently that helped me understand all issues surrounding being adopted. Simply put we are souls that are spiritual beings, that when we are conceived we are surrounded by the mother's emotions, her vibrational escrow which surround all souls born that have a journey to then manage. All of us have issues, these issues are feelings, belief system, as well as legacies that each family carry throughout all families whether you were adopted or not. We are all here to expand as a soul, grow, learn, and the bigger picture is you as a soul choose what you want to grow through & heal from so you can then expand to the next level of the soul's journey throughout each lifetime. I truly have a gift of being empathic, it stems throughout my birth family. This means I was born knowing people's truth, their feelings, as well as their intentions. It's energy I feel & it is hard to be around people a lot because their energy affects me so badly if it's negative. I was a factor of a teen pregnancy to two teenagers who were 17 when they had me I was born on my birth father's bday which didn't help the situation. I don't blame anything on my parents for placing me for adoption, obviously god wanted me to be out of a worse situation being in that family legacy then the one I was in. Yet I was adopted at 2.5 months, yet given up right away for adoption & in foster homes till I was adopted. All I know is my family I was placed with there are life lessons, healing for us all to go through which no matter what your story is you have to be able to understand there is a bigger picture based on the choices other's make that effect us. Life happens & really it doesn't matter what you deal with there is a vibration everywhere that we are all made up of energy that we all adhere to every single day of being in this physical presence as a spiritual being. We have perceptions, feelings and emotions based on what escrow the family we choose to be with & go through life with. I feel that we are just energy beings, that have chosen what to heal, grow and expand from as a souls growth which we all have. I don't buy into a victim state of being, we all have things to overcome, the families that we are with have the same issues is all. All of us are connected, what you have to understand is we live in our heads, once you start to understand you have been taught behavioral patterns, beliefs, as well as what you are here to learn. We could make issues & really over extend ourselves with any trauma that happens in our lives. I do know however that being in your birth mother's stomach she carries thoughts, feelings, a vibration energy that we feel & then her thoughts, feelings, during the pregnancy the energy that surrounds her is the connection you have with her throughout life whether you meet her or not. So it is totally normal to feel loss, there is a connection that isn't explained accept through the energy vibration. You don't have that vibration energy connection with anyone accept your own child or family that came from your birth mother. If you really learn to release the perception you aren't ok, or in pain because of being adopted then you will learn that you are not what happens to you. The perceptive energy you are buying into isn't a deep loss, it's just the perception that you don't belong, it's like accepting what another souls opinion of your situation is of you that defines who you are. You are not adopted, that was something that happened as a result as of how you came into the world and of course had to be raised by adults until you were of age to be the adult & carry on your life. You see I could chose to look at my adoption as traumatic, I ended up in a family whose own personal issues were so sad, I went through a lot. I did meet my birth parents when I was 18 yrs old, & I also could allow their energy to affect my happiness, my feelings of who I am or buy into what I should feel because of being adopted etc. I chose not to allow negative feelings that is just a thought that carries energy attached to a belief & emotion. That's all thoughts are. Thoughts carry energy good and bad, negative thoughts stem from the unknown, fear based energy, loss, pain, hurt, and victim thinking. The reason you don't feel well when you think this way or don't know where they come from is you have a subconscious, as well as conscious that thinks, and feels. Each soul has a story of how they got here, what they chose to think, feel, and that is a fact. Everyone has a story of why they choose to buy into the feelings, emotions they do, but truthfully what we do as adoptees we are surrounded by such negative energy with some stories we are taught to feel sad or to feel bad. Being on this earth is our life school, you choose & run into people every single day of your life how to take things people say, do & trust me it isn't easy. I know that we are connected to a source of love energy everyone of us, what happens is we are connected to our source when we feel loved, accepted, and happy. When we disconnect and allow ourselves our emotions, thoughts, feelings become negative which is a conscious choice as well as a subconscious choice then we understand we are solely responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, & story we tell others. It's a mind set learnt, as well as yes of course we suffered trauma by being pulled away from our birth family. You do realize that no matter who raised you, you have a choice each day to learn, to grow, to expand your soul. So to heal you have to understand that you are just messing with your negative emotions that you are so use to choosing instead of learning to choose positive one's that re-connect you with your soul. Love is the answer, most adoptee's choose to feel disconnected because they use the excuse you need a family to feel connected, yet family are just other souls who come from the same parents. We all have to realize we aren't alone, we aren't who raises us, we aren't left out, we come from a loving state, we are all connected no matter who we are with or not with. All souls have to learn it is up to you to control yourself, be at your best that is all it is. You aren't defined by where you come from, who you are raised from, and what you really are troubled by is those thoughts only you believe that you have accepted that you are losing some outcome you are convinced would have been so much better for you. There is no proof that your life would have been so much better or worse if you were kept, or didn't go through anything in life. This is something we all do with each situation every single day, yet unless you could re-live your life, which is full of choices & those choices have outcomes. Yet people have free will, as well as you don't control other people how they feel, act, & think. I just want for you all that are having issues to stop blaming your feelings on your being adopted. Yes, I acknowledge you weren't treated well, but that doesn't define who you are as a human being and you have to stop being a victim of negative thought patterns that are learnt & can be re-patterned to be positive & live your life free of this self torture. I have some really great answers if your interested in turning around these feelings, and pain for good. Thanks for reading my blog, and suggestions...we are very special souls yet we also are so loved....

It's quite normal for an adoptee to feel this way.Get help, sometimes we need it at different stages of our lives and read all you can.Nancy Verrier, Pauline Boss and Betty-Jean Lifton for starters.You might want to start reading adoptee blogs too, they can help you to feel less alone and different.Good luck!

So many others have answered that its probably not necessary for me to add my 2 cents. But this is exactly how I've felt all my life. I think it is a fear of abandonment. I leave others before they have the chance to dump me. Which I'm certain in my mind they will eventually do. Most of my relationships have ended this way. I have no friends and most people don't like me. Guess its because i'm standoffish. Thats my defense. Funny though I've been married for 31 years, but have never trusted the relationship to last. But I just can't shake him:) I'm lonely everyday but am still a total loner. I hope the counseling helps you.

Hi, BBnights and friends, I, too have sabotaged (JUMP-BEFORE YOU ARE PUSHED!) some fine relationships. Does it not say something to you that you felt the craving to be alone after your partner had to leave for a while? After failures to make good choices in three serious relationships and having run away from several good relationships, I both sought therapy and looked hard at what I needed to feel comfortable. Some strategies that have worked for me in my going on 28 year old (third!) marriage: -Less, rather than more sharing in early years. I had my own, separate phone line and have not shared a bank account until very recently with my husband. I allowed trust to build in each case until sharing did not feel forced. (I could leave at any time, but could elect, each day, to stay). I paid for things, out of my separate money that my husband did not feel were important. Similarly, he pays for a sports package that is important to him, but not to me. Over the years, I have felt less resentment and more respect for his needs as he has given me the space and time for my own. -Sharing a room, but having one or more rooms for my own. Both my husband and I have separate offices and, over the years (as my needs changed) I have had a room of my own for other, less conventional reasons. I have had my own dojo/exercise room, my own bedroom, my own shrine/retreat room. Room to breathe became the reason I could more intimately share other rooms. Before you decide to move out entirely, consider how having a room (and not just an office space in which to work, but a private room which contains whatever you feel the need to have, including your decorating preferences) may ease the immediate need to leave a relationship. Having a bed in that room gives even more choice; even if you use it only not to share your partner's-or your own flu. -My husband and I have shared avocations over the years, but have always had our own hobbies and interests which have often meant time we left for related retreats, vacations and elected to spend time apart. Our best-ever vacation was a family vacation diving the Palancar Reef and all doing underwater photography.:fish: However, I usually take a solitary retreat (if affordable) once a year. As I am Buddhist, there are many places that I can go on retreat either to study and practice or to be in solitude entirely. -After years of discomfort, I finally learned to set boundaries. Instead of waiting to feel so hurt by what I perceived as a need to leave, I have used non-judgmental language to say what were my own limits. For instance, "you may find XYZ acceptable, but I find it unacceptable. I may have to re-establish that soon, as while (unless emergent of the bleeding from the ears type) I find it unacceptable to disturb meditation. Yet, lately, I find that both my husband (less so) and youngest son (who I adore) both regularly interrupt meditation. So, some of this is an organic, continuing process. All of the above said, marriage/living together is a daily choice. At times, each of us has felt that we might need to separate, but having the relationship set up to respect the need for more or less contact seems that we always come back to the desire to be together. Our relationship has been tested by every possible stressor over the years, and today we are still choosing to be together. All relationships seem to be difficult for me, though I have maintained some wonderful, long term friendships, some of which have taken the place that family might otherwise have filled had I had the kind of A-family that wished for such relationships. I truly hope that this helps someone; the remembered pain of smashed relationships due to my inability to risk another abandonment generated my prayers for all of you to enjoy happiness. In some ways, being alone (or realizing that we are truly that way as our bodies are on loan-human life is not forever) is a good thing. But, I have found that I can "live alone together" with those I love. Hugs to you all, :grouphug: LLAWEN May it be of benefit.

In the movie Mother and Child it shows how reactive attachment disorder is for an adoptee. I have that disorder and yes been a loner most of my life. After spending my youth trying to connect on a deeper level found that being alone was more comfortable and less dramatic.

Your blog was very touching and true. I'm an adoptive parent of three and I hope they feel the same way when they get older. You are blessed and a blessing to society.

I too have spent most of my life needing a lot of "alone"time. And after reading this thread I wonder if it is because I am adopted. I wonder why we feel this way? Maybe it gives us a strong sense of validation, that we are "OK" alone. Maybe feeling like an outsider in a family drives us to connect with who we are deep within in order to stay true to ourselves. I always blamed it on my depression, my personality type (INTJ) but I think I need to be alone far too much than what is healthy for me. I like my alone time, but connecting with others and the world is good too =) I try and attend "group" events that are related to my interests (reading, knitting, etc)- this seems to help - This way I can be an outsider looking in (my comfort zone) along with participating =)

I was always a loner and not good at maintaining Good stable friendships. It was/is very hard for me to open up to anybody; as I feel that one day they will either leave or reject me. The friends I did make we're toxic and always ended badly.