I just realized

Everyday for 50 years, everyday.

Born Oct. 1959 Birth mom 15 yr. old Adoption finalized May 1961 Birth mom tried to make contact thru Catholic Charities in St. Louis in 1989, 1992, 2006 when she sent me a letter so we could meet and to tell me why. Then medical information. Received letter finally in 2011 20 years later. Now suing Catholic Charities.

Hey Jess, I have thought about the very same thing...my daughter is 15 months old, and I am told she looks like me through the eyes/nose area, but it isn't super evident. I have brown eyes, and her father has green. Grace has blue eyes, and I have info that my BMom had blue eyes. I feel like I am looking into her eyes every day, and sent paperwork to Lutheran Social Services last week to begin searching. Unfortunately, there is a wait of 3-4 months. I am scared, excited, and ready to have closure at age 41. We will see... Did you meet with your BMom? Kristin

Couldn't agree more, but then it makes you wonder....Who do i look like?

My son looks just like me. He looks lik,e a clone. He had hands, ears like his father, but he really looks like me. People say OMG you look just like your momma !! You know how many times I heard that growing up? NONE. I don't look anything like my parents. Mainly because I am not related to them. Everytime someone says that I am proud and I feel the loss at the same time. Just another thing to remind me of how I was adopted. Like I could forget. The lack of "genetic mirroring" I believe the term is. Of all who responded did you ever search or were you unable to? Even though I knew my parents from 17 and older, I had lived so long without knowing a family member the damage was already done.

I have an earlier reply to this thread....here is an update. I was on a waiting list for two months before LSS started the search for my Birth Mother. I recieved a call from my case worker on Monday (8-15) that she just got off the phone with my Birth Mother. It was an amazing, wonderful day! I learned that my BMom is alive and wants contact, in time. Has anyone read, "The Girls Who Went Away"? If not, I highly recommend it. My BMom's story is similar to those in the book....she was 19 (BDad was 24 and "single and carefree"), and did not know how she would be able to care for a baby by herself. Her dad was an alcoholic and her homelife was very unpleasant. She was "sent away" to have me. My BMom said she has loved me every day since she found out she was pregnant. She did not see me after the birth because she knew she would not let me go. Interestingly, my BFather did see me. My BMom has been married to the same man for a long time, and he knows about me. They have a son (two years younger than me) who does not know. Surrendering me has been a central issue in her life. She has had a lot of guilt and sadness. She said she wanted to contact me for years, but was afraid I would hate her. She is thankful I searched for her, and it has helped to give her some peace....The letter I wrote her was sent to her on Monday, and now the ball is in her court. I will wait until she is ready for contact, although waiting is so hard - especially knowing all that I know now. When I was told all of this over the phone on Monday, I did not have any emotion - I was in shock. There is no way I was even going to consider that my BMom was alive - much less loved me and wanted contact eventually. When I got off of the phone - I could not stop crying...I cried because I have never - in 42 years - cried about being adopted. Not when other kids were cruel about it - not when I was going through a divorce and my Adoptive Mom insisted on going over the family tree with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins during a visit with them (wow - that hurt), and not growing up with neither of my adoptive parents telling me they loved me. So, I cried all day - the kind of crying from the gut when you have to stop yourself to breath. It was good and needed. I promised my adoptive parents I would tell them when anything happened with the search (an obligation I feel), and got ahold of my BMom on Wednesday. I gave her the most incredible news I could have even hoped for....she was not loving or supportive. After telling her everything I told her I am blessed because My BMom has always loved me and she has found some peace -two amazing gifts. Her response was, "I am happy for her". I asked, "Are you happy for me, Mom?". She muttered, "well, ya". It was pretty aweful. My Adoptive Mom also found a book in her Church Library, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew", which supposedly tells why I had low self esteem and was so distant (not because she did not give or express love and because I was never "good enough" though all of my accomplishments). I do not want her to hurt me anymore - especially during this time. It is tempting to stop contact all together, but I have a close relationship with other adoptive family and cannot stand the thought of not having them in my life....fun stuff!

Ready, I don't think I ever talked to you before but just wanted to say CONGRATS! How incredibly exciting and special. Huge that her husband knows and I do get why she did not tell her son - simply because she had no expectation of ever meeting you. I am glad you read The Girls Who Went Away - it really provides context that even growing up in that era can give you. I hope you hear back very soon but breathe if she is overwhelmed too. Kind regards,Dickons

I do not think we have chatted, either - have not been posting on this site for very long. Thank you for the support, Dickons!!! I am soooo excited, but also know that me contacting my BMother was "out of the blue" for her. I want her to be able to take the time she needs - especially because her son does not know about me and that would have to be hard. Reading "The Girls Who Went Away" was huge for me, as I am sure it is for all who read it. It was healing too because it helped me understand all of the forces that played a part in my BMom's decision (or lack there of). Are searching or have you? Warmly, Ready

Ready,I'm glad to hear that your Bmom wants contact with you. You'll read about the emotional rollercoaster and I kinda thought "Well I'm tough".(That whole raised in the country tough guy stuff.) Holy cow, this thing brought me in touch with emotions I never realized I had. It seems like I never had theese "Feelings" until I started the reunion process. I never realized, until today, how much family reunions SUCK! My wonderfull aunt looked at my daughter and said "Wow, your daughter has your nose." Then she looks at my aparents and back at me and says, "Where did you get your nose from, nobody has a nose like yours?" Really? EVERYBODY in this family knows I was adopted, some remind me of this on regular occasions. Good Luck with your reunion and remember, keep the faith!JoeP.S.Keep us posted!

Ready, First I'll just echo what Dickons said...CONGRATS! And as Joe said, the reunion process can be such a rollercoaster of unexpected and buried feelings. Perhaps your A-mom feels somewhat threatened by the fact that you've made contact with your B-mom? It certainly doesn't sound like she has much to be concerned with but then that's easy for me to say! All the best with your reunion efforts! PADJ

Thank you for the warm thoughts Joe and PADJ! It really helps to be in touch with you. I do not know any Adoptees, and it is impossible to describe all of the emotions to someone who is not or has not gone through a reunion. It helps to learn about other experiences and since it has been a week (I know - a week is not that long in our world), since my letter was sent, connecting with fellow adoptees really helps. After the call from my case worker last week, she asked what I would like her to include in the cover page from her to my BMom, with my letter. I asked her to tell her that I know this was a surprise and to take the time that she needs. I desperately want to here from her, but do not want her to feel rushed. Again, so many emotions already... Joe - I read your thread...I sat my AParents down and told them I was going to search, beforehand. It's totally what you want to do, but I felt I needed to. It was very hard. My AFather said, "If she wanted to be found, she would have contacted you by now". That was like a slap in the face, and looking back at it now, I believe it was a defense mechanism for him - in motion (PADJ - maybe insecurity?). It is so hard to deal with everything, and telling my AParents made it a lot harder on me. Tell them when you are ready to - this is "about you"! P.S. I am going to call my caseworker this afternoon. She said she would call when she hears anything, but just to chat quick will help, I think. Kris

jess:: I dont yet have kids, but I think of that a lot. I bet that's an amazing feeling. To hear that someone looks like me/ i look like someone...something i've often dreamed about ready:: Wow, that is an amazing story. I really hope things work out for you. I think that the part of us that longs for confirmation that our birthmoms not only remember us, but love us and think about us is something all of us adoptees have in common. To hear someone's positive experience is encouraging. I'm sure it is going to be very hard to wait to hear back from her!! I admire your ability to be so open with your adoptive mom about what you've learned! ps ** last week when i was having a hard day. I went to Borders and looked up books about adoption. The most recommended was "20 things..." (mentioned above)and it was actually what gave me the idea to find an look for online forumns. I did scan through the book and I could really relate to the some of the things that it mentioned. It really helped me realize I'm not crazy, some of the things I'm feeling are really common among adoptees and then I decided to get online : ) I know it says its for aparents, but I enjoyed scanning through it. I think there is also one for adoptees, but I didn't see it.

Kris, Hang in there. I understand completely what you mean when you say that "it is impossible to describe all of the emotions to someone who is not or has not gone through a reunion." I am blessed to have a very supportive group of people around me, and even so I find that I have a hard time putting some of the feelings into words...and yet somehow speaking to another adoptee it's as if there's this non-verbal translation going on. I don't know your particular situation, but I do have to wonder if your A-father's comment stemmed from not having the same frame of reference that an adoptee or a birth parent does? "Insecurity" may also play into it, but as I said...I don't know your situation. A search angel I worked with perhaps said it best..."you're trying to fill in the empty places inside." That comes as close as I've ever found to summarizing the search process. It's not searching for something to replace the adopted parents...it's searching for something to complete who we are and to complement the huge amount of work that our adopted parents have already put into us. Okay...enough soapbox! Hang in there! Best, PADJ

:eyebrows: Wow, it's been a year since I've posted on these forums. I once was on them most of my free time the start of my reunion process. Made some great friends. Even met a few! (we are real) 7 years ago I received the call from the SW that handled my sons adoption. He was 28 by then. I heard her say Hello ?... and I knew.. :prop: :love: (miss these little things) I asked her if she was calling to tell me ___ wanted contact? I signed release forms when he was 18. to get my information. I contacted the SW each year, card or photo or update on my family. I even took my hub and kids up to see agency one year while in town. Totally closed adoption. Yup- He had carrot red hair and a bio brother by his parents, 6 years later. So.. we met, a few months later.. NEW year eve...:banana: And we spent 3 days together. Dined with his aparents, stayed over at their house. Got scolded for staying up all night talking. Met some aunts in the morning in my sweats and no makeup:woohoo: Remember bson saying, you don't need makeup.. awww. I think I grew wings that weekend. :wings: my hubby and I flew out to his state a few months later to visit for 10 days. The 2nd day there I had a tear-nado hit. I cried tears by the gallon. I just wanted to be held by my husband, assured this was really happening. I was ok, accepted, and i know the words loved were used. I mourned all those years that had gone by- and how my babe was now 6'+. I wanted to hold him. I don't think our heart and brain can associate the fast fwd of all this. And so much unknown. so afraid to make the wrong move. being hostage to anothers feelings. and the other > holder is just as afraid. Dangerous combination for our-self. I made it thru that day, 8 days to go b4 goodbyes. I did ok, it was incredibly sad, wondered if it would be months, year before we met again. >> 5 mos later>> He agreed to fly home, (local to my grandma's city) for his bio-gr.grams funeral, and meet all the extended family. (He met grandma a few days before me the prev year. She graciously welcomed him and his mother. she was 96. she told him I waited for this day, forever!) So at the funeral he met my family- all of them- and then we took him home to see our place for the week. and to meet his bdad the next weekend.,. whirlwind of a week. Then took him back to his parents. Just great to be taxied when your 29!!fast fwd.. at Christmas same year he spoke of moving back to this area. I offered to have him stay here and get to know each other while he's single. know his bro's-sis inlaws, babes,, grams, our hometown. AND he did. In Feb a little over a yr after we met he was living here for 7 mos. Also, his mom and I stay in reg contact. email, pics, visited a few times. we were invited to their younger sons wedding. and we all went up. Felt great!! :happydance: There have been 5 babes born since our reunion. 1st one just turned 5. He's an uncle at his parents also. NOW*** There had been life continuing on around us- real deal of experiences! we had; deaths, suicide, divorces, addictions, arguments, letters, hours long phone calls, apologies, hugs, sincere talks, understanding each others loss. pictures, drawings, cards, stepping out of comfort zones. and stepping back for someones comfort.* It is a time warp travel into another land. You can't believe it, you feel it. it makes little sense except in our world.* Friends call you nuts. family shakes their head. but Oprah gets it now. FindYourFamily; shows it some. Books are written. WE are coming out. IT is OK to say it hurts. Say what you feel. And journal. It gets better and then changes. Allow each other that. what we feel this week, may go a few steps back b4 it goes forward again. And love unconditionally. Peace to you and yours. And I was more outspoken. I really hesitated to have him wonder. I offered information up for when he wanted it. I was open and gracious to his aparents and family too. OH>> my parents went and visited them at their home for 4 hours THIS summer. Wonderful time. Had been invited a few other times while in that town on vacation and couldn't and they live down south. Anyway, each of them were very glad they took the time to relax and talk. A day of growth tears,smiles and peace also for them. I really spoke of respecting our feelings.. For their kids. me and "our son" . Wow, 7 years already. He's just a few hours away now. :3d: life is good.

I think about it when i look at my sister. She and I were adopted from the same mother and I'm just glad i can at least know her. :)