My Search Chronicle

Exactly Dickons. That is why I said I feel different in a good way. Yeah, I might be a little anxious, I am not sitting and worrying/stewing about it. I just feel completely different and more patient. I get there is likely a chance for her to get overwhelmed and pull back a little, but I feel OK about all of that now. Definitely better than I did before I mailed the latest package.

Jonathan, I am out of town this week, limited access, but wanted to send a quick reply. YAY!!!! And thank you again for updates and the peek into a male adoptees soul. You have helped me so much. I am guilty of underestimating the emotional capabilities of the male species. And for that lesson, I thank you! Good luck, you know the drill... Keep us posted

Hello, Jonathan. Thank you for sharing your story here. I have just read through it here and feel compelled to tell you that there is probably very little you could do at this point to disappoint your birthmom.

I sure hope you are right MamaGina. But I do understand that this reunion stuff is very emotionally charged, and it is possible for misunderstanding. I do have some good updates, so on to my "Chronicle." I have been getting anxious. After b-mom sent a couple emails and told me she would have a letter and some pictures to me, all got quiet. I was OK, no real worries. She sent me a "just checking in" email on 17 January and told me she had been battling the flu, and would have a letter to me shortly. Again no worries, for a few weeks. Then I starting feeling the anxiety building up. So I just sent her a "just checking in" email on 15 February. No response. I know be patient, but, sometimes you just can't stop the mind from racing. So on 16 February, my wife called me at about 3 pm and told me I had a letter in the mail from b-mom!!! Holy cow. So I sent b-mom another email letting her know her letter had arrived and it was "wierd" how we seemed to be in tune some how. She replied back, and what a wonderful email. It was heartfelt, caring, and loving. And we have been emailing almost daily since. Nothing major, no novels by either of us, just some day to day life stuff mixed with some background get to know each other stuff. And she just seems so proud of my boys. And this part is huge - we gave her a picture calender for Christmas that has pictures of the boys for each month. She put the calender up next to her bed so it is the last thng she looks at before going to sleep and the first thing she sees in the morning. Talk about your wonderful tear jerker. Only thing that has been a little painful. My birthday is 2-26. For years, I haven't ever cared about my birthday, it just never really meant much. Sure, the occasional "happy birthday" words are nice, but if I didn't get cards or stuff, I didn't care. Well, I did not get a card or a happy birthday email from b-mom, and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. This is very odd for me, because even with my wife and my a-parents, it wouldn't/doesn't bother me. But with b-mom it did. She sent me an email this morning wishing me a happy belated birthday and that a card is on the way. This is nice, but this is the first birthday for me since learning that she is alive and who she is, and it hurts. I'll get over it, but, firsts can never be redone. Anyway. Enough for now. Overall I am overly ecstatic about how things are going. I am still a little scared of a live phone call, but am feeling more and more ready with each day and each email. Thanks everybody for listening and supporting. Jonathan

Jonathan, I am new to your search chronicles but read thru all the posts today. I am so sorry that she didn't acknowledge your birthday on the actual day. Did she mention the actual date to you? I have been working with birthmoms for over 20 yrs thru different groups and one thing to point out is that many times they do not actually recall the date they gave birth. Many times they were knocked out during the birth itself and awaken bereft of any memory or knowledge of the time or day you were born. She may be too embarrassed to mention it to you or to ask the caseworker "L" for the actual date. Or, she did know the date, but like you was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions of the reunion thus far. Think about it a moment from her perspective- your birthdate has been a private time for her that maybe she had to keep a secret for years. She may not know how to share it or spent the whole day mourning the years of loss now that she has your picture and knows you a little. Not making excuses for her but hoping these little insights may help ease your disappointment a bit. The year I found, I remember that I got married and my birthday was a travel day for the last day of our honeymoon. My adoptive mom and husband caused a brawl at the wedding so we left without talking to my adoptive mom at all. My husband didn't acknowledge my birthday with so much as a card or kiss; there were no messages from my adoptive mom on my home phone or cards in the mail, but there was a small present waiting at the apartment door from my birthmom when we arrived home late that night. My ex-husband's sister didn't mention my bday as she picked us up from the airport neither did his family have a cake or well wishes the next day for thanksgiving. But my birthmom remembered me so it was very special to me. I know how important that first birthday is in reunion-I hope you find some comfort in her card- maybe she wrote an explanation that will help. (BTW- the above is about my ex-husband-and you can tell why -lol!)

Actually, in one of our emails last week, I asked her specifically what day my birthday is. I told her I was asking because of birthdate changes done in the 60's and 70's to make searching more difficult. I also mentioned a time I was born. I did not say to her what I thought my birthday was, just asked her. She told me the date and the exact time. She seemed shocked that such a thing of fact editing occurred. Thankfully, I am one of the lucky ones that wasn't lied to. Thanks, Jonathan

Jonathon, Really happy that you guys seem to be on track to getting to know each other - slow and steady - a bit here and there is so much better than too much too soon. I am sorry she didn't send you an email on your birthday - that would have been really wonderful. I think you just need to just work on the relationship. Kind regards,Dickons

then she doesn't have an excuse of memory lapse. It would certainly have hurt if my birthmom hadn't recognized my bday so I feel for you. I won't say that I hope she has a good excuse because like you said you can't redo 1st impressions. But I do wish you luck as you continue on the reunion rollercoaster. Emotions ride high and low for quite a while and its not something someone can verbalize to you. Its simply something that you feel as you're going through it.

I read your chronicle. It's very well written and I found myself caught up in it. Good for you. It's great to hear a reunion story like this.

Jonathan, good to hear from you, I often wonder how things are with you. Get used to the anxiety, it is a new constant in your life. Oy, the roller coaster ride of reunion. As for the belated birthday, the only thing I can add is that it may be something as simple as a character flaw. I know that I am HORRIBLE with managing special days. I buy the card, don't want to send it too early, then before I know it, it is the day before. Or I just plain forget and it's "the day". This is just in life in general. Friends, family, they all know that I am lousy at remembering special days. I have worked double time to try and improve this, so this is all I can say to the situation. Hoping you continue to enjoy your reunion, you sound like such a special person. A momma would be grateful to have you as her son.

Hey everybody. Not too much to report, but thought I should at least drop a quick note. Birth mom and I are continuing to email 2-3 times per week. I am starting to feel/sense some differences, and that's OK. We are different people raised differently. There has been so many similarities I have seen that could be attributed to "nature" and I am now starting to recognize some "nurture" differences. Nothing major or earth shattering, just different. We both seem to really be enjoying this. I am in a little bit of a pull back again. Not near like before, but a little. I am kinda overwhelmed with some family and work stuff and especially still dealing with the A-parents' estates. We have talked about a phone call and we are both extremely nervous. I think I need to get past the taxes and clear some stuff off my plate before I can invest that energy. I am still very much looking forward to it, and hopefully go for a visit this summer. Anyway, enough for now. For now things are going very well and we are slowly getting to know more and more about each other. Thanks again all. Jonathan

Hi Jonathan, Glad to hear all is going good! Just wondering, without going back and reading the last 6 pages (which I did read quite a few months ago, but forgot!!) wanted to know if you have read "The Girls Who went Away" by Ann Fessel? Good book to read! Happy reunion!!

I was just surfing through the threads and started reading this one. I have been in reunion for a couple months now and have been going through many of the same feelings as you. It's funny how we all are so different in our journeys of reunion but still find so many similarities. I have been writing my bmom for awhile now and I feel like I am getting ready to be able to hear her voice. The first letter she sent me back she gave me her phone number. I just wasn't ready for that but I am close now. In fact, I had the phone in my hand last night but chickened out. I have 3 full brothers who did not know I exist but the minute I asked my bmom about if they knew she told them. I have talked to all three of them via Facebook. They all seem like wonderful people and so many feelings start to overwhelm me which is when I take a step back for minute to process. I hope your journey continues on a path of healing and love.

Good to hear all is well with you Jonathan. Chin up, this reunion thing changes our lives. But we also have our "pre reunion lives" to continue with too. Makes life interesting.

Hi Jonathan, I would like to play devil's advocate a little - just a friendly reminder of how incredibly fortunate you are, to have found your BMother and be allowed into her life (of couse, she is blessed as well).... I started searching for my BMom last year - wrote a letter in May (on my B-Day), and sent paperwork to LSS (Lutheran Social Serivces) to find her. She was contacted on August 15th - I will never forget the day - and the first conversation with SW was incredibly positive. I was overjoyed at all that was communicated and was so excited to be able to hear her voice, see her in person, and give her the biggest hug ever - as she mentioned she wanted contact with me. Unfortunately, time went by, and she said it "was just too hard, and that she was having a "really hard time" with being contacted and reliving everything. While she has my contact information, and gave some medical history, I have not received a letter, e-mail, or phone call from her. In fact, the last time she spoke with SW was at the beginning of the year, when I sent a Holiday card that was sent to her. I absolutely long for some kind of contact and my heart hurts to know it could take more time or never happen. Please know, not all of us have the same reception as you were given and that it is so precious. You are welcome to visit my thread for my story to date, if interested. Warmly, Kris