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I am not sure if this is the right place or not and so if it is the wrong forum, then I apologize and do let me know where you think it should be.
Our situation is that we have been trying to foster/adopt our great niece for over a year now. There has been a lot to the story over the past year but let's just get to right now. The baby is 16 months old and right now we are splititng time with the foster parents while we are waiting for our adoption study to be finished and approved and then we will get the baby full time in our home. The mother's right have not been terminated as of yet but supposedly this will happen at either a hearing in early June or a hearing in late August.
There seems to be a lot of family drama in regards to the birth mother, the birth mother's mother (my sister in law) and my wife and I. I am just going to share some thoughts on various issues. My main reason for writing is how do you deal with family drama that comes along?
My first thought is this. In regards to the birth mother, is it ok to not want to refer to her as a mother. The situation is this. Birth mother turned 19 in January 2011. The baby is 15 months old. So birth mom was pregnant when she was 17. Child was taken away from birth mom at 2 weeks old and put into foster care. I have yet to see the details on why the child was taken away. Since that time, birth mom has done virtually nothing to get the child back. She does have a once a month visitation and she has missed completely about 1/3 of those visits. I am talking no show, no call. A termination of parental right has been filed on the mother and there are 2 hearings scheduled this Summer. One in early June, the other in late August. Birth mother has not shown for any hearings either for herself or the child so far.
I personally have a real hard time calling the birth mother a mother at all. I think calling her a mother is complete insult to every good and great mother out there. I often times refer to the birth mother as a biological host since that is really all she has been. I guess what I am wondering is, is it ok to feel that way about the biological host or do I need to change my attitude about her?
Birth mother/biological host has really had a bad childhood. Parents were dysfunctional, very dysfunctional. Was in foster care herself for a short period of time. Then given back to the mother, then given to the father. I do not know for certain, but I am pretty sure that some level of physical abuse, mental abuse or even sexual abuse took place in her life. Birth mother's mother (my sister in law) also came from a dysfunctional family. Very filthy home, sexual abuse in the home that was swept under the rug. Children were not taken away ever, but a dysfunctional family. For example, Dad would drink whole milk, the kids got powdered milk. So there has been generational family dysfunction for at least 3 generations and who knows how far back it goes.
Oops, forgot to mention this. Birth mother is currently pregnant again about 4 months along. Different father than child we are trying to get.
Back to family drama. I get really upset when I see the birth mother make comments like she is so excited about being pregnant with #2 when she has done nothing at all to get child #1 back. I get upset when I hear birth mom say how much she misses child #1. Or when she makes statements how well she knows child #1 from just once a month visits. Or when she calls herself a mother.
I have not been perfect about this. Most of the time I just bite my lip and say nothing at all. But on a couple of occasions in a Facebook chat, I have said some not nice things to birth mom. Which has resulted in her boyfriend making threats to harm me. I finally did delete her from my Facebook list because I just find myself getting more and more frustrated at the things she says.
I suppose I probably already know the answer and that is just turn the other way, don't respond to her stupid statements even if they really tick me off, just ignore her, delete her off Facebook (which I did). I am just wondering if there is maybe an other way to handle this that some of you have tried and had success with.
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I would suggest doing your best to call her the birth mother or first mom in your mind and out loud, the reason being that if you think of her in a different way, you will eventually mess up and say it out loud. Whether or not she deserves any respect is immaterial, what is important is the child. No matter what she has done or not done, she is a part of this child you love. When this child grows up she will likely want to know more about her first mother. She may want to meet her. She will feel like she is part of this person and if you say bad things about your sis in law, your daughter will feel that those things may apply to her too, after all you are of the same blood. Also for your wife, even if her sister has messed up, she is still her sister, somewhere in there is a little girl she once loved. She may or may not get her life together enough that you want to be around her more, this will be very difficult if you have allowed anger to fester. It will be hard, but you will need to forgive her, for yourself, for your wife and for your daughter. It's not a matter of if she deserves or wants it, it's for all of you to be healthy and happy. This little girl is a blessing, not a mistake. If you say things about her first mom later making mistakes, you may inadvertently make your little girl feel like a mistake instead of the blessing she is. It sounds like this mother is still a child herself. She may yet surprise you and grow up and become a person you enjoy being around or she may not, but she is a part of your little girl no matter what and your little girl is a beautiful blessing, so even if this woman does nothing else right in her life she has already given you and the world a blessing in the form of this beautiful life that you will have the privilege of raising. Good luck in your journey! Enjoy this little one, they grow up so fast!
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It does not matter how young she is, how screwed up she is, or how she behaves toward the child -- she is the Birth Mother. "Biological Host" is an insult. You may not like her, you may not respect her, and you may disapprove of her choices, lifestyle, makeup, and everything else but she is the one who gave birth to that precious baby that you are going to raise.You may be socially, educationally, financially and morally superior but try not to make your feelings obvious. Your little girl is someday going to realize how you feel -- and think that she is inferior because she comes from "bad stock". I am sure that is not what you want.
You know, reading this and your other post, you were hoping not to be judged harshly for some pretty reprehensible behavior. We all deserve the chance to learn from our mistakes and bad judgment and move forward without other people slamming us. Heaven knows, I have plenty of examples of errors I've made in my own life that I wouldn't want to be judged by now.
With that said, "biological host" is offensive. You're talking about a 19 year old who comes from a hellish background. Can you extend to her some of the same courtesy you're asking from other people? Try in your heart to feel sorry for the challenges she's facing. You're a grown up. She's a kid who sounds to be incredibly damaged from her home life and doesn't sound like she has many options for the future.
I do wish you & your family luck with the adoption. There sounds like a lot to work through and I hope for the best for the little girl and her mother.