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:eek:
well ****. the phone call to end all phone calls. i needed to tell this story somewhere and i came across this forum. i just need to get it off my chest, with ppl who may understand the feelings i am going through and such.
I have always know i was adopted, as long as i can remember. To me it was never an issue, never something to be embarassed by, it was just a part of my life. My adoptive parents were, and still are good people. Been married 50 years next year and still going strong.
I have never looked for my birthparents. I was happy with my lot in life and really hardly ever thought about it (i am now 38)
BUT, yesterday i got a letter from a caseworker, stating she was trying to find someone with my name and date of birth with vital medical facts.
So i rang.
And now i know that (now in point form, it's just easier, cause i am still taking in the info)
1. my birth mother died in 2007 of cervical cancer (at age 49, as did her mother AND her mother) all at age 49.
2. my birth uncle has been looking for me for a few years, he didn't find out till my mother was dieing that she even had me, as she was sent away to have me, as she was in her very early teens.
3. She never had any other children
i know more but i can't think straight presently and i want to post this.
my question is (opinions appreciated, but i'll make up my mind in my own time..
do i meet him, even if purelly to get the full medical history, if nothing else, or do i say, mail me the medical history, i don't want to see you...
he spent over 2 years looking for me, as he felt i needed to know this, do i owe him at least some compassion in return?
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Welcome to the forums, your head must be spinning :love:
First, you do not owe anyone anything. Having said that getting medical history is critical and should not be used as a bartering tool to meet you face to face. I like how you say you'll make up your own decision in your own time....actually I love that!
You can always get the medical history mailed to you (so you have it) and you can decide later to meet or not.
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Like you said, it is entirely your decision.. having said that, ill give you my opinion, however it is probably in the most diplomatic way possible..
Do whatever you feel that you should do. Personally, when I found out I was adopted, I wanted to meet my birth father, but having given it some time (mainly because he is extremely difficult to find) I decided that it wasn't something that I was terribly devoted to anymore..
As far as medical history is concerned I think you should contact your uncle and tell him that you need time to decide whether or not you'd like to connect (don't break the bridge completely just in case you change your mind) but if he could send the information that would be great!
Good luck deciding, and take your time because initial responses to things like this may be entirely driven by situational emotions... You have all the time in the world to make a decision
Best regards,
Nicole
Your mothers dying wish is to warn you and make a sort of peace. All I can say is there are thousands of posts from other adoptees where the family won't return their calls. You are lucky and blessed. I just saw my Bfather today he came over with coffee and bagels and my Aparents came by yesterday. There is plenty of room in my heart and home for everone.
You could always consider telling the social worker: a) you are overwhelmed and not able to say you do or do not want contact while you get used to the idea and you will get back to her in X number of weeks. OR b) ask for an introduction letter with no promises of relationship - just that you would like to know a bit more about your uncle first OR c) consider doing a few letters back and forth via the social worker while you sort things out in your mind with no promisies. For what its worth I think it was easier on me to reconnect with my aunt (my mother had also passed away). More distance so to speak. Kind regards,Dickons
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I'd like to ditto everything everyone has already said, especially the "yes, it is totally your decision" and the "you don't own anyone anything." I also really like Dickons suggestions and what littlewanderer said about your bmom.That said, I'd just like to throw this out to you. I've always known I was adopted as well and I've always been interested in finding my bparents, mostly for the medical and genealogical information. However, I am currently going through my reunion and I am confronted with feelings I never expected. Mainly that I WANT a relationship with my bparents. So, I guess I would just say that you won't ever really know how you feel until you open up the door to those possibilities. So, if you aren't ready then you aren't ready, but I wouldn't close the door completely because maybe in the future you'll discover that you DO want to know him and know about your bmom.
Hi, I just saw your post...and now its Oct. Did you contact him yet? If not, I think you should do it or at least speak over the phone. Maybe I'm reacting like this becasue i'm curios about my birth family and I'm heavily into my search now. Since, he was trying to find you, hopefully there shouldn't be any awkwardness. He seems very caring... Sorry to hear she pasted so young.. Get as much info as you can. Since this seems like a trend and hopefully you will break that cycle, but I would start screening yourself now!!!! U have so many more fun filled years to live. I wish you lots of luck!!!