my child lying all the time?

Welcome to my world! My son came home at 9 and yrs later still lies freely, about the most ridiculous things and about extremely important things. I have read and read and read and still have struggles with getting him to stop. The other kids are a million times better than they were. This one is unbelievably stubborn. He is about to turn 13, and needs to take more responsibility for his health issues, which are serious. But he doesn't care because he doesn't start hurting if he doesn't take his medicine or do other things he knows he is supposed to, so he'll lie about these things as well. Recently I found something that really seems to bother him, so that's what I've decided to use as motivation. He LOVES his hair to be a little long. So, when we had several serious behavior issues within a 2 day period, I decided to buzz his hair. He was devastated. Looked good though. And the lies calmed down. Today I had to do it again, and his hair had grown out finally to where he really likes it. But he has been so full of lies lately, including about taking his medicine today, and he had been warned repeatedly. So I broke his heart by cutting his precious hair today. Taking away privileges, toys, time in, time out, extra chores, running laps, none of that really bothers him. You've got to find what matters to him and use that. I'm starting a technique I read about here by Aspenhall called a "trust jar" with my kids. It's easy to find it by looking up her name. I'm thinking that one holds some promise. I told the kids today they would have to build up trust in their trust jar to be allowed to do special things, such as go to the water park close by this summer. They are already interested and asking how they can get points!!

I love this video from Christine Moers on lying: [url=http://www.youtube.com/user/christinemoers?blend=4&ob=5#p/u/0/iDnEy8Rn4fY]YouTube - ‪christinemoers's Channel‬‏[/url] Check out her other videos on Youtube. And her website: [url]www.welcmetomybrain.net[/url] Good luck on your journey.

My son came home at six and is now 11 and lies all the time. It makes me so crazy. A funny thing, he also hates his hair short, but short hair is part of the school dress code. I have also buzzed his hair a few times, but not for the lying or anything but because when he is stressed he pulls it out and ends up with big bald spots. Since his method includes wrapping it around his finger to pull it, buzzing it means he can't pull it out. So far I have found nothing that works on the lies.

I'm a big believer in keeping our kids wondering what's coming next, so mix it up! First off, don't try to get your child to tell the truth. Until they've gotten some healing, it's not worth your effort. I look at lying as having two parts, what to say when it happens, and how to consequence it. Here are some things to say: "Wow! That's just what I thought you'd say!" and walk away. Fall on the floor and say, "You're amazing!" Walk over to him, examine his head closely and walk away mumbling, "Yep, I guess that's the way it is...." Here are some consequences to try: Ignore it. Have him write the sentence, "Soon I will be strong enough to tell the truth," several times (depending on his ability to write) Have him go to bed 30 minutes early saying, "Lying comes from being tired. I'm going to help you get extra sleep tonight so that you'll be rested enough to tell the truth tomorrow." Usually one of the critical factors to reducing lying is to be calm and matter of fact about it. When parents get angry and wound up about it, it stays a big issue. Hope this helps. Susan

I LOVE those consequence ideas!!!! Thanks so much!! It's late here now, but I'm sure gonna use that tomorrow. Just imagining his face when I tell him either of those things.... lol:D

My 7 1/2 year old lies all the time too. One tactic that has worked is I will say "it seems to me like you need to go jump on the trampoline because jumping up and down makes the truth come out". OR run around outside to help get the truth out. She loves the trampoline, and it works well most of the time, but now I will try other techniques. Like stated, you need to mix things up. I love the idea of "going to bed early because lying comes from being tired" one! It is a challenge but also I always assume she is lying and never "ask if she is lying"..... this is what they want is for you to get into a power struggle with them.

We adopted sibling half sisters at age 4 and 5 last July. Lying has been daily from both, but mostly the older child. We have tried all we can think of, nothing works. Just like the books state. To say we are at our wits end is ridiculous. And that doesn't even touch on the other horrible behaviors, self induced vomiting, stealing, hitting their selves, ( and me) screaming, and total defiance. To the point of choosing to stand by the bucket of water that is to wash out her soiled underclothes for up to 10 hours- and the clothes aren't washed. Yes they have a therapist and no they aren't on any meds. We have concluded lying will not stop. Until the grace of God intervenes.

Read this, it may help understand the underpinnings, and help to detach:[url=http://www.deborahhage.com/articles/lying.html]Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW[/url]Bryan Post used to have a free video on his home page about lying, re what to say, and more understanding. It was EXCELLENT.[url=http://www.postinstitute.com/]Reactive Attachment Disorder & Defiance in Adopted & Foster Kids[/url]I didn't search site, may be elsewhere.Looks like they have a free e-book for lying (in exchange for your email) here. If it's anything like his video, it's great. [url=http://www.postinstitute.com/store/free-stuff/323-free-how-to-end-lying-e-book.html#]FREE How to End Lying e-Book[/url]This book by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post is *fabulous*:[url=http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1307647767&sr=8-1]Amazon.com: Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors (9780977704002): Heather T. Forbes: Books[/url]It's TOUGH, isn't it? Been there before, am there again. SO different than an attached child.

boanna, please see my other reply, especially this article. She outlines that it WILL take a long time to subside, and why:Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSWI'm sorry that lying video isn't still there, Bryan claims that his method will extinguish lying reasonably quickly. The full impact of what he's suggesting I believe comes from seeing the kindly emotions he's using in the video. But you might be able to email them about it. Really remarkable concepts!Best of success to you.

Thank you everyone it is nice to know that i am not alone. I have started to use some of the techniques and they all work with him. he started to try guessing what i was going to say, when it wasnt the same as he was thinking he would say hey thats not what you suppose to say. it was great and he started thinking before lying know. so thank you all. It help 65% of the time so far. Which is great.