got my first comments on differences

Start out with "Why do you ask?" Then look politely curious, and wait as long as it takes for them to say something. IF they manage to say something besides "Sorry," say, "I'd love to answer but I'm so exhausted, this wonderful little guy/gal has really turned my world upside down -- in a wonderful way! I just have to stay focused on my errands." Or similar.How on earth people think it's their business is beyond me.PS My stepson was half Chinese, half C. I'm C. The little boy who lived next door was 1/4 AA. I used to go places with both of them. His mom (1/2 AA) one time said to me, "You should see the looks I get when I'm with them both!" I said, "Oh yeah? Well you should see the looks *I* get! People assume I'm working my way through the races on the planet or something."

It really gets better when they get older. Even a few months older. I'm not sure why that is. Another one that's good for annoying strangers is "confusing isn't it" I also quickly just started telling people, "he's black" rather than answer adoption questions. They don't really care if he's adopted. They want to know why he's a different color that you.

I LOVE that answer "it's confusing, isn't it?"!!! It was annoying at first, I have to admit. Some days I was so taken aback, I was almost snarling answers at thoughtless people (sleep deprivation, that's what I blame...lol). Other days, I was open and happy to share our story. I noticed around the time Cam turned a year old, nosy questions stopped. It's like people see a brand new baby, so the HAVE to say something. Their brains and manners don't mesh, so they start asking personal questions. I TRY to give people the benefit of the doubt. Try. :evilgrin: All that said, I had a really sweet girl (late teens maybe early 20's) stop me last week to gush over Cam. She then went on and on about her 4 year old who is mixed. Turns out her DD's daddy is from Somalia. I then offered up that Cam's dad is from Morocco. It's true, her first dad is from Morocco....he's just not Cam's Daddy.. :D Wasn't in the mood to talk about adoption, so I let the assumption just...be. What I fear is the straight racism my kid is going to see and hear as she gets more aware of the world. Like the lady who I used to REALLY like at our play group. We were talking about schools in our area. We happen to live in a district with an awful elementary school. As in 40-50% of the kids are doing "C" or below. :( The children that go there now are predominately Hispanic or AA, whereas when I was a kid it was mostly CC partly AA. As I was telling her how it used to be a great school when I was a kid, she lowered her voice to ask me "what did it...uh....look like back then?" It immediately hit me in the gut what she was implying. Very loudly I said "yeah, kids were bussed in from (names of the area projects). Many of them my good friends." I was just GALLED. My /14 Hispanic and 1/2 Moroccan kid sitting RIGHT there. I haven't spoken to her since. It didn't occur to me until just now, I am quitting that playgroup this month, too much $$ being the ostensible reason, but now I think it's I don't want Cam exposed to a person like her. Even if I can't keep her safe forever, I just don't feel comfortable there any more. :(

I guess what I wrote yesterday didn't post. Sometimes I click on the button but it doesn't go through. I was also going to say that you get a lot fewer comments as they get older. My transracially adopted kids are now 22, 17 and 15 and it has been a long, long time since we've gotten many such comments or questions. People just like to talk about babies. Especially if you live where most babies are white, a little brown skinned baby attracts a lot of attention. Most people mean no harm and some are even trying to be supportive. I have always felt that it is important to try to give most people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they have no ill intentions unless they say something that is unmistakably negative. Otherwise, you can spend a lot of time being upset when there is really no need to be.Congratulations on the baby!

We're CC with one teen bio DD. We have one AD who is whiter than we are with golden red hair and we get questions(she's almost 4). DH shaves his head and my hair is a mix of brown and silver. "Where'd you get that red hair?" We also have 2 teen FD, one very dark Hispanic and the other half European, half Middle Eastern. We do get the looks with the 3 teens. Even they make fun of it. My sister pointed out yesterday that all of my kids have different Daddys. :D

I agree. I'm very pale, my husband is white but less pale, & our daughter is black & pretty dark. Most of the people who have asked about her have just been curious & most have been very supportive. I've never had anyone be rude or hostile.

I completely agree with everyone who says that the questions get a lot less frequent as time goes on. But also, I think you should give yourself permission to give the answer that ends the conversation - whether that's "Why do you ask?" or "He's darker." Don't worry too much about being rude or misleading. Think of it as practicing good ways of protecting your son's privacy by finding creative ways to side-step or extricate yourself from awkward conversations. Eventually, he can learn from you how to manage those situations himself. Just remember that your most important audience is your son! Not the nosy person you're talking to. :) There is a book for TRA kids called the WISE Up Power Book. WISE stands for four different responses to those kinds of encounters. Walk Away Ignore Share Educate I'm big on Walk Away and Ignore - it's just my personality. I've found some great ways of getting myself out of those conversations without sharing my son's personal information or inviting more questions. But if it's a neighbor or someone from my church, sharing some information about our family or educating about adoption might make sense. Then my son gets to see me modeling those options, too. But I'm always most aware of my son - what he's hearing and what he's learning from how I'm handling those encounters. Because at 3.5, he understands a lot and pretty soon, he's going to be answering those questions himself.

I don't know if it ever goes away or if you just get used to it. As the kids grow older you will get looks and mumbles, stares, etc. Most of it is pretty harmless and well intended. Some of it isn't so harmless, I usually respond in kind. The last person you have to consider when choosing the response is the one that just put you on the spot with an out of line question.