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Hello to everyoneThis is my first time posting in this forum (or anywhere for that matter). I want advice on whether to contact my birth mother or sibiling directly.I will tell you the background. I was adopted in Canada as a newborn in 1966. I found out about my adoption about ten years ago when my adopted mother died looking into some her papers. Recently, I contacted the Adoption agency in Quebec (Closed Adoption System) and was given basic Non identifying information about my birth family.I was surprised to know that my birth parents, got married after my adoption and later on had two additional children who are well. I decided to use the adoption agency and contact them. However, my mother (my father died) told the agency that she did not want to have any contact with me, and did not want any identifying information shared. She also said that she could not confront her children with the news that she had given up their older brother for adoption. She also mentioned that it was my father, who had died, that may have been interested in knowing more about me, but since he died she did not want to look back.I would normally respect her wish and would not have gone further. But curiosity and unanswered questions made me look into my background and on my own was able to research and find out the identify of my mother and my brother and sister.In fact, I know who they are in facebook and have seen some pictures of my nephews. Now my question. Should I force the issue and contact them directly. I know I should NOT, but knowing their identity is tempting. Actually, now that I am experiencing this, I understand the purpose of closed systems. Knowing the identity of my birth family is worse than not knowing.What do you think?Appreciative.Jorge
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They are your full siblings. Yes send them both the same message and tell them if you want to meet them you will always be here. Since your father has died and your mother's shame is keeping her from telling them, it is up to you. You only offer the truth. They will be really stunned and devistated, but the decision is theirs alone to make.
Given time will turn out well.....I know it. Good luck.
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After much thought, I have decided to NOT contact my siblings directly. My reasoning is that if a contact them any future relationship that may or may not happen with my family would start on the wrong footing. By not respecting my mother's wishes I would be forcing a situation upon the family that would compromise any chances of a amicable relationship with my mother.
So I have decided to wait for now. I may decide later to write to my mother directly and offer her a link into my facebook page. I would use the excuse that the link may offer a way for her to see my family without actually talking to her kids about me.
Im hoping that when I do this she would feel in her heart that telling the family about me is the right thing to do.
I know its probable naive from me to think this way, but i rather do things the right way than to compromise any possible relationship from the start.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I will keep looking in this forum for your comments and suggestions.
Regards
Jorge
Obviously, the decision to contact your siblings is yours. I struggled with contacting my DD, because I thought if she wanted to find me she would. But then my mother had a stroke and I got to thinking--Life is too short. I may not get the chance to meet her, if something happens. We are not promised tomorrow. It may be that it makes it difficult for your bmom, but it also may be that she can't find a way to tell your siblings herself. There is always the chance that it will work out and your bmom will not be angry. I know that this is quite a struggle, but sometimes jumping into that fire is the best thing. I know it was for me. My DD was shocked and it took her a month to reply to my letter. But in the end it worked out and we are all so happy to be getting to know each other. I am sorry for your bmom being hesitant, but if you wait too long it may be too late. Good Luck
Thank you again for your honest answer. I will think about it some more. I am still not entirely sure why im so curious about my family. I have lived a good life and could go on perfectly fine without ever contacting my birth family. Which I think it really is what my birth mother wants all alone.Still I am surprised how hard it has been for me to put this topic to rest. It is not easy to ignore. I will see how long it takes me to keep my curiosity away.Maybe next time I will see the value in contacting my siblings. For now I will keep quite.Thank you again. You have been great.
Jorge - as tough as it may be, I personally think you've made the right decision. I'm in a similar boat. I've also gone through the process, and right now both my birth mother and birth father are considering it. My birth father seems more open to it - from the info I've gotten, he has no other kids, and didn't even know of my existence. My birth mother (who I found independently while waiting on the state to process my paperwork) didn't seem very open. She may come around, but I'm not counting on it. Her reasons are her own...I'm sure she has a family and kids that don't know about me. But it's not my place to make that decision for her. The last thing I want to do is cause any sort of major upheaval in her life that would cause resentment. So while it does bother me that this isn't going the way I hoped, at least I have that possibility down the road when she's ready. By forcing the issue, I'm sure that door would just be slammed in my face...
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