Advertisements
My ex had custody of our daughter from when she was born, he was useless and she eventually ended up in foster care and was then adopted at 15 months. It was a closed adoption. I don't know much about the couple other than what was on the A4 profile of them I was posted. I know their first names only, I know what state they live in, I know what he does, she was apparently giving up work when they adopted, and they mention a few hobbies. I could tell they were rich from the profile, so I assumed my daughter would be having a good life.
Anyway on Friday night I got an e-mail from my ex (her dad) with a link to a website and the third photo down was a woman and a little girl, it was captioned with both the adoptive mother's name and the name of our daughter and also her age. I just know it's her! It sounds ridiculous because I haven't seen her since she was a few months old, but my ex had seen her shortly before she was adopted so I trust that he realized it was her. I know I'm not allowed to contact the adoptive parents, and besides the website hardly gave me enough information to unless I was to get very technical.
I know it's my fault that we're in a closed adoption and I guess from reading this it doesn't sound much like I care, and until Friday I didn't really. I never bonded with her when she was little and it is obvious that she has a better life than I could ever give her, but she looked so beautiful and happy in the picture that I would love to meet her, or even to be sent updates about her. What do you think? Do you think I'm able to change the status of the adoption at all? Has anyone ever done something like this?
:thanks:
Like
Share
You can't change the status of the adoption - that's done and final. (if that's what you meant - over turning it?) Or do you just mean opening it from a closed adoption?
If you are interested in contacting the aparents, I don't see why you can't? Unless they have a restraining order on you, (and I can't see why they would based on your details) you can certainly open the door to contact.
Just be aware they might not want to send updates or meet you etc. There was a reason she was removed from you and your ex and the aparents will likely be very cautious.
So to prepare for that possibility, I'd do some soul searching and see if this door is one you want to open.
Just to give you one example - I personally would be open to contact from my kids bmom, but it's been a long time too. I wouldn't be open to an automatic reunion with the kids and that's something we would have to build up to.
If she contacted me in the first few years, I would not have been in a place to do that given where my kids were at then. I might have agreed to updates but I really don't know.
If you want to see if they are willing to have contact with you all you can do is ask and go from there.
Advertisements
It's always worth a try contacting them. If you do they are going to be cautious but you don't know if you don't try.
My situation is completely different and I found out post reunion my child's (now adult) adoptive parents would have liked to have sent updates to me. None of us were told about open adoptions which were relatively new when he was adopted. I wish we had known as they are lovely people and we have become good friends.
I don't know what the law is in the state where you live. How old is your daughter?
If she is 18 or she isn't far off that age I would suggest writing a letter but it may be worth going through a social worker anyway. If this is done through a social worker then the adoptive parents will see that you are being thoughtful.
The world allowed trips me up some. You as well as the adoptive parents are both adults, so you're allowed to contact them if you want. The way they react is up to them, as Crick said, they might not want any contact now, or in the future, and you just putting it out there means whether you begin contact is up to them.
What I would say is if it was me I think I would want to go through a social worker. With something like this it might help you approach them, and make sure what might be a very emotional encounter is navigated well (although I've heard of social workers not being the best advocate as well). It seems like having someone else as an intermediary may help with the process, but honestly that's up to you and your comfort level.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Trying to navigate an open adoption is tricky and can't be made any easier when you're starting from a closed one.
Advertisements
As an adoptive mom, my opinion is to definitely go through the social worker for first contact.
I have heard many stories from other adoptive parents who are freaked because birthfamily stalked and found them online. I'm not saying stalking is wrong-- I think we all know everyone does it (Lord knows I stalk to find out if my kids' bps are ok). But, my guess is that the relationship will start out much smoother if you go through the social worker.
How old is your daughter now?
Good luck! I hope your daughter's mom is open to contact!
I live in Oklahoma right now, but she was adopted from Kentucky. She will be 3 right now she was born May 2008.
Thanks for all the advice, I think I will try the social worker, I thought it was probably the best idea, but I wasn't sure if they'd be happy about it as it is closed - but I'm going to try. Thank you very much. I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it.
Advertisements