I feel done!

I don't have any advice for you, just moral support. I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sorry you're having to go through this trial. Three years is getting there but it's still a long time. Hang in there. She may emancipate before she's 18.

First <<hugs>> I saw on another thread that your daughter was Dx with BP as well. I've been where you are. I remember her being 11 and me talking to a family whose older (adult) child had the same dx as my daughter, and me asking "What did you do to fix it?" and their answer being, "Well, she went to Residential Treatment, and then came back and we are just kind of taking it one day at a time." And I kept asking, "But what worked?" and there was no answer. Just more "We take it one day at a time." I kept expecting them to say Oh well, first we did this and then that and this fixed it. I got off the phone feeling like they were avoiding giving me the key. What I realized is that they knew that nothing fixes it. The kids just move out. And life gets better. My dd took off at 17 (loophole in my state that they can leave at 17, but you can't kick them out, and they can't be forced back home). I had a meltdown for about three days - then my life got so much better. I know how horrible that sounds. But it gets better. A LOT better. One day I found my daughter's planner and she had a countdown calendar of "Days until I can move out." And I never told her, but I did, too. :D And just a side note - from now on, whenever you meet someone else in your life with this suite of dx...you will not be able to spend a single moment around them. I was in a social group last year that met weekly and one of the other ladies was CLEARLY this dx. I left a three day retreat because I could not stand to be around her. It was like PTSD or something and I was having flashbacks. This was after 5 mins of dealing with her. I'm not kidding. You get a "radar" for it. And you run screaming. :D My daughter calls now and asks me to come over to her house! She ends the call saying "I love you!" (Wha?!!?!?) She sends me txt messages and pictures of her dog. It's strained sometimes. There's a lot of hurt there. She's never apologized (I'm sure she thinks I should apologize). None of the rest of the family will see her...just me. No one else has forgiven her (Have I? I don't think so. More like you just keep going through all the motions). I never never thought it would be THIS ok. It's different than the other relationships with the other kids...but it's ok. She's in a relationship! It's lasted a whole year! With a really nice guy (I wondered if I should warn him...:D). It took letting go COMPLETELY and letting her fail completely for her to stop blaming me for everything. It's ok to shut off and count the days until she moves out. It's ok to start planning that cruise you are going to take! It's ok to grieve the child you lost to this diagnosis. It's ok to be happy thinking about not having this hanging over your head every second. It's ok to adjust your expectations about her, you, your relationship. To think in terms of just making it until she moves out. It's really ok. At some point the sky will seem lighter, the air cleaner, the grass greener. You'll wonder why you didn't notice before. Then you'll say "Oh yeah, she's been gone X months. This is what life was like before." You'll start going to the gym and lose 40 pounds. You'll start using cold cream and remembering to floss. You'll read books not written by psychiatrists. You'll hire a sitter for your other kids and not prepare the apology before you've hit the driveway. You will have energy again! Food will taste better again! You will LIKE YOURSELF AGAIN! I promise. It gets better. They move out. :D