Discussing adoption with your child

I'm an adult adoptee. My ap's knew something of my bmom. They told me the truth as they saw it in their eyes. It colored the picture I had, and as I grew older I resented them for it. Please NEVER tell your children they were left in a forest to die - When they are 'old enough' perhaps phrase it as: you were found in a forest, if that was the case. It will go better for you. Let them form their own ideas... You don't know where their other parents are - so that's what you should tell them. I firmly believe in always telling the truth, but that doesn't mean it has to be told in a cruel way. Hence why I say what I've written earlier in this post. I don't remember ever being told I was adopted - it was just something I always knew. Regardless of race, it's far better than having it told you at a later stage.

Thanks for your input. BTW I always speak of their birth family positively and no, I would never say to my son that he was left in a forest to die (i.e. I would not word it that way. I would probably say that he was left in a place in the forest where his birth family hoped he would be found - which is actually probably still not the truth, but what he needs to hear). It just seemed like I was being told I MUST tell them the FULL truth, and to be honest I feel the full truth in his case would be hurtful at any age, but especially at age three. Sometimes it IS helpful to sugarcoat things a bit. The truth is that in his case, I do feel the parents were pretty awful to abandon him the way they did. I live in Africa and there are certain situations where the child is considered taboo and will bring bad luck to the family if he/she was to stay (or even to go back later to visit). The family is required by tradition to get rid of the baby, i.e. to kill the baby. The customary way is to take the child to the forest and leave him/her there, preferrably placed on a rock in direct sunlight to hasten the death. Many times the action is carried out against the mother's wishes, but she is forbidden to go try to save the baby. It's a brutal and very unfortunate part of the culture. Fortunately it has become much more common now for people to abandon their babies in situations where they hope the baby will be found and taken care of, which is what happened with the other two children. I respect their families for taking that chance, of leaving them in a place where they could be found (at a hospital). My work has brought me into contact with several families in this situation, where I have seen the picture from their perspective. In fact I had a taboo baby named after me in these circumstances, who I assisted in getting placed into a children's home, which I'm very proud of. (The child cannot be given a name from their biological family). I honestly don't know if I can/will ever explain the taboo baby situation to my kids as it is really an awful part of the culture they've come from. I think I would prefer to just say that I don't know what reason their families had for abandoning them, but that I can only guess that the mothers were very young and not in a position to care for them. I would say the same to all three, though at some stage when they're older, I feel a responsibility to explain that one of them was left at a forest while the other two were left at the hospital. (We plan to keep all their paperwork for them to go through when they get older). I have always believed that a child should stay with the biological family when it's possible. Most of my work here in Africa is actually trying to assist orphans to stay with their relatives, where they have a sense of identity and belonging. That's why my husband and I tried so hard to track down the families before we committed ourselves to adoption proceedings (with a plan to eventually leave Africa). At least I have a clear conscience that we have not been responsibile for taking them away from their biological families. And FYI we also have an older adopted child who has regular contact with his biological relatives who we have quite a good relationship with (I think they like us more than they like him!). When the triplets get older I would like to suggest they return to Africa and do their own search for their families. I think their best chance of finding their families would be an advertisement in the newspaper, since our search was fruitless and the paper trail will be even colder by then. So I hope you understand better now, that we do not feel in any way in competition with the biological families of our adopted children. One of the reasons we decided to raise the possibility with the triplets that their parents were dead (and always it's in the context that they may also be alive) is that we are constantly questioned about why we have children of a different race. It could be quite dangerous to not give an answer as people are very suspicious and a riot could erupt. When they were younger we used to explain they were abandoned at birth, but we've since switched to saying they are orphans (people accept that much more readily and it's much nicer for the kids not to have the issue of abandonment raised in front of them all the time). In the African context orphan is actually an accurate description, as the term is used to mean a child whose biological parents are not caring for them (and not just that they are dead). But in western culture, as I'm sure you're aware, it has a very fixed meaning, i.e. that both parents are dead. Basically we wanted to give our children permission to use that explanation for their adoption to people who ask them even in the west, if they wish, but also explain they don't have to, as the truth is their parents could very well be alive. I really feel this is quite reasonable, and not worth all the shock and horror from you guys (someone used the term "horrid"). I think you've jumped to a few conclusions that this explanation means we don't want them to have any interest in chasing up their biological families, which is not the case at all.

Triplets, it sounds like you're dealing with some major cultural issues. You're having to walk a fine line, so it's good that you are considering the best route through what seems to be a mine field. It sounds like your concern for being considerate of your children's needs for security and stability, and safety, is the driving force for how you discuss the circumstances surrounding their adoptions. Saying that a child is orphaned is not lying. The parents may or may not be dead, but you have no way of locating them, so the children are, in fact, orphaned. You can explain the details to your kids as they grow up, but give the information about being orphaned to those who question and could cause problems. You don't have to suggest that the kids' parents are dead, you can simply say you don't know. We've let our kids know that we simply do not know where their parents are, and we don't know anything about what, or how, they are doing. It's tough for them to hear, and tough for me to say, but it is the truth. I think one of my kids has asked me if their parent is dead and I've let them know that I don't know. For young children sticking to simple, understandable facts is best. As they mature (and it's a different age for every kid) they will ask more questions, sometimes wanting more details. We try to be open and truthful but at the same time not burdening them with TOO much of the really heavy information that forms their early history.(((hugs))) Hang in there!

Thank you Barksum for your well rounded advice. I appreciate that. Thanks also for the reassurance that it's okay to refer to the kids as orphans. I had expected a negative response to that, though was trying to be honest. Do you think that is the general mood in the west, that it's an appropriate term to use in my kids situation? If it is, that would be a big relief to me, and I would gladly drop raising the possibility with them that their bparents could be either dead or alive. It does simplify things. At this stage it seems like there's no real harm done with the kids. Hopefully if we continue not bringing that possibility up, they will forget we said it. I don't think it really registered with them anyway as they've not asked any questions about it. The questions so far have been along the lines of "did my first mama do this with me?" etc. If it's something a mother/father might have done to a little baby, I will say "maybe", "probably" or "I think so". If it's not appropriate for a little baby, I will say they were too young for that when they were with their first parents.

Explaining to your child that they are a gift from God is not an adoption thing. I was not adopted and I heard all my life that I was such a gift from God (this even coming from parents who are not Christians). IMO, all children are gifts from God. Every child placed into the arms of his/her new parents is a gift from God whether the child is biologically connected to them or not. To tell your child this is not a ploy to make them feel indebted to you, but to try and express the immense joy they brought to your life and the indescribable love you have for them.

Triplets, this is sort of OT, but I was totally fascinated by your descriptions!! My brother lived in Africa many years ago in the Peace Corps and he basically always said that unless you are fully immersed in another culture, you can't really understand/appreciate it. And on another "side note," I totally get the "taboo" stuff a bit having represented someone here in America in a political asylum case involving FGM (which seems so barbaric to me, of course, yet was firmly part of the culture of my client's tribe). Hopeful, DD is totally screwed if being a gift from God is a bad thing since her name means..."gift from God!" Anyway, sorry to go off topic...

Oh, she's definitely screwed. :arrow:

Hahah...yeah, I guess the name wasn't really the "tipping point" but her sassy attitude!!

There are legal orphans, which applies when the parents have either voluntarily relinquished parental rights, or had their parental rights terminated by the court. If a child's parents are unable to be located then, after the legalities are seen to, the child becomes a legal orphan. Your children were legal orphans when you adopted them. You don't have to explain that to anyone, but it would be prudent to explain to your children when they are a bit older. My kids ask the same kinds of questions that your kids do. Just like you I've had to explain that no, that didn't happen, etc. Every year it's new questions, too! Parenting is NEVER simple or easy, and being an adoptive parent just adds a few quirks to the process.

Thaks for for your perspective, hopefulmom2bee. What you said is not dissimilar to what Eaglewings said 3 months ago which is why I said this at the time: Having said that, after reading your last post, I see where you are coming from so thanks for explaining. Actually, Eagle and I have exchanged a few pleasant PMs and we do understand more where each other is coming from. I wasn't actually referring to adoption per se either. As I said, I was always a rather independent person who doesn't like people placing unrealistic expectations on me so I probably would have felt the same if I had been in a biological family and my mother had gone through a lot to get pregnant and then proceeded to tell me all the time that I was a miracle child. I would quite probably appreciate and sympathise with her about how hard it was for her to get pregnant but I would also probably feel that I had to live up to with that "miracle child" status. As I said, it is my own character flaw that I don't like people placing unrealistic expectations on me, i.e. I don't want to be the answer to anyone's prayers (and believe me, I aint LOL). Perhaps it was also the "you're mine" wording, if it had been "we are each others", I would have preferred that, it sounds less "possessive".

My take on telling children that their birth parents might be dead would be... if a child, and children can be morbid sometimes, asked for example "is my birth dad dead" and we had absolutely no idea whether he was dead or alive because we had had no contact, we would say "well, we think he is still alive but we really have no way to find out". But if they did not ask that specific question, we would talk about him as if he was alive.

Thanks again for your helpful comments barksum and questioning. I'm learning a lot from this forum. Funny thing is after I wrote the kids hadn't asked about their b parents being dead, they went ahead and asked me. It was a good opportunity to reclarify things, that they are most likely alive. But they got into a joking mood and decided their parents were eaten by crocodiles! Oh well, we'll get there eventually. What I do appreciate in them is their sense of humour about the whole thing. Yes, lovajax, Africa is an amazing place. I love it and hate it at the same time. I don't want to give you an unfair picture and just focus on the negative, but the negative is what is most relevant to this discussion.

Hi all, I hate to post in a topic that has been inactive for so long but I'm new here so forgive me lol. My wife and I brought our bundle of joy home last Thursday and I'm trying to prepare for something as best I can that is still years away. Our son will be 3 weeks old Thursday so while I am enjoying every second with him I am dreading his questions that are sure to arise. We plan on having a celebration of his homecoming each year. Our adoption agency recommends a "Gotcha Day". Our plan is to retell the story of our decision to adopt and things we did leading up to his arrival in our lives. We know virtually nothing of his birth parents as its a closed adoption, so that will be a tricky subject. At the start of our journey we hoped for a closed adoption not knowing the good that could come of an open adoption in the right circumstances, but God got us this far and I know He will provide a way again.

Klav, you make an excellent point when you note that God has brought you this far and you know He will provide a way, again. Too true. God won't drop children into your family and then walk away, or worse, laugh when you ask for help in parenting them. Honesty is the best policy, and giving honest, age appropriate information about what you do know is the way to go. Always willingly answering any and all questions without over-reacting is also key. If you don't have the info, let the child know, "We don't know the answer to that question." We also have our kids pray for their bio families, and this has helped with some of the mixed feelings they've had over the years.

Very insightful Barksum. Sometimes a different perspective burns away the fog and shows a path :DThank you.