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My husband and I met a woman randomly just after she discovered she was pregnant. She had just been in to terminate the pregnancy, but left without doing so because of a scheduling issue. We all privately agreed that we would support her in many ways: emotionally, financially, etc., and would adopt the child. She called herself our "surrogate" and always reassured us she would only be as involved as we wanted because it was our child. We were with her either physically or on the phone encouraging her she could make it through almost daily for 8 months of the pregnancy. We wanted a very open adoption and anticipated having she and the children she is raising as an extended part of our family.
We went above and beyond to help her and give her the attention we felt she deserved. Often times, she would try to get us to do more (buy her a new car, etc.). After our child was born, our relationship with her changed. There was an attempted kidnapping in the hospital by her family before we took our child home. I have since been told by a very reliable source that the one who tried to leave with our child is a pedophile. The birthmother showed no outward sign from my perspective of connection or sadness regarding the child at anytime during the pregnancy or after delivery, which I found odd. I never saw any sacrifice on her part unless it brought her some sort of attention.
For almost the first year she tried to manipulate us into caring for her other children at any given whim, she kept implying that she would sabotage the adoption finalization unless we sent her more photos or did what she wanted. I sent almost a hundred photos to her in the first 6 months. She would then post personal information on the open web of us and our child and say that we were just taking over the first several years and she would come back and tell our child that she is the "real mother". We asked her to please stop. This only made her post more.
We have tried to keep everything respectful, upfront and honest. We wanted our child to know the bio families, but it eventually became too unsafe. She admittedly sent someone to my young niece's private birthday party to spy on us and take photos. On more than one occasion our neighbors found people in our gated yard taking photos of our home. During that time we were confronted by two suspicious people asking odd information of us on our street, and a few times we were followed. We have lived in constant fear of our family's safety. She impersonated me at the local county office to obtain a current birth certificate. We then discovered she appears to be committing welfare fraud with our child's SS#.
The birthfather wanted our child terminated. The birthmother agreed to continue with the pregnancy only if we cared for her on almost every level for the entire gestation. If we didn't, she wanted to have the termination. She has been diagnosed with several conditions including borderline personality disorder, psychopathic traits and delusional thinking. How do I tell my child the truth about the adoption, age appropriate, and protect my child from these people who don't seem to have many boundaries, while still nurturing my child's heart and self-esteem. ? .
Please help.
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RavenSong
I guess my question in closing the adoption is this: I see by your profile that you're a resident of the State of California. I'm assuming the birth/first mother is too, since you met her when she was only a few weeks along in her pregnancy. Anyhoo, did you and your husband file the legally required open-adoption agreement when you went to court for finalization? If so, does that mean you have to go back to court to request that the status be changed from open to closed??
Yes, we are residents in California and so is the birthmother. We met each other privately and used a private attorney, so we didn't go through an agency. I am not sure if that makes a difference regarding the law with the open adoption agreement. Our birthmother had access to our attorney at all times as well as us hiring her the attorney of her choice to give her unbiased legal advice. She chose to meet with him one time, and I believe that one time was the minimum of the legal requirement. We offered to sign an open adoption agreement or put in writing what we had verbally agreed upon. I left it in her hands and told her just to contact our attorney, she would draw it up, we would read it and sign it. The birthmother didn't call the attorney, nor did she ask anymore about it during the rest of the gestation and the several trips we made to the attorney's office together. At that time, we would have agreed to a lot. In hindsight, I am so glad that didn't happen.
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Fran27
The only thing I'm wondering is that I hope you made sure to document everything you gave her while she was pregnant and approved it by an attorney.
But yes, ouch... frankly I'd consider moving and filing a restraining order.
Yes, I have documented personally the major points of all that has happened. We used an adoption attorney that is an adoptive parent herself and has over 27 years experience of doing adoption legal work. We were connected with the attorney from the very beginning and have called her team in the recent past when their was activity to document our file.
We did move. She found us. All has been quiet for a few months now. We have written her letters stating we will not be in contact and why. At first she tried to get to us by lying to members of our extended family. When they realized she was not telling them the truth, then she used her elderly grandmother to pull heart strings. We originally wanted the grandmother involved. She is a very sweet well-intended woman. We stopped communication with her also. The birthmother presents well, in my opinion, and does not appear to be a threat. I didn't ever see this coming, nor did any of our family.
Our next step is a restraining order. I hope we don't have to go there.
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ruth74
I can hear that you really want to be able to follow through with what you agreed to, but that it just isn't safe for your family. It may also not be an all-or-nothing situation. I know that bmom posting the pictures you sent her is a very concerning thing. If you did at some point want to send pictures again (NOT saying you should, but I can hear how difficult it is for you to change things), I've been told there are programs that can keep another person from reproducing (either electronically or printing) an image. Not being a computer person I don't know how to do so, but you could ask someone.
As to the other behaviors, basically what you are describing is a stalker. Birthmothers can be stalkers just like any other group of people can be. Most police departments have detectives who are specially trained to deal with that sort of behavior, usually in the domestic violence division, if the department is big enough to have that specialty. I would try them. Also, there is a really good book called The Gift of Fear that gives some understanding of that kind of behavior and helpful responses. Most importantly, people are usually looking for a response from you, and if they can't get the one they want they will settle for your anger, because it's better than being ignored. I fully agree with the advice to protect yourself, but I would also add that letting her know about those steps (like telling her that if she doesn't stop you will do XYZ) is likely to have the opposite effect of the one you're looking for.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, and that you didn't initially receive the support you were looking for. Take care of yourselves and your daughter, emotionally through this as well as safety-wise. I'll be thinking about you and hoping things resolve peacefully.
Thank you for taking the time to really hear me in my posts and for responding with helpful information and compassion. When I read the support of people such as yourself it helps me to grow and heal so we can hopefully soon put this drama behind us. It is my goal to resolve as much of this as possible inside myself so only a grounded perspective is passed down to my daughter.
The last photos I sent to the birthmother were just before the adoption finalization. I only sent them because it was my attorney's advice to give her what she wanted until we were legally a family. That has been quite some time ago. My husband and I have decided not to send her any photos again, and we don't ever post any photos online of our daughter or us as a family. We are also somewhat hyper-vigilant in making sure that nobody else does either.
I am going to look into the book you suggested, "The Gift of Fear". I would like to have a better insight into the triggers and ways of thinking of people who behave this way. It may help me in the process of replacing anger with compassionate boundaries. Thanks again.
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How scary. Who is raising her other children since she is so dangerous? Can you have a relationship with their parents? My birth sister was like this too.
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legal
How scary. Who is raising her other children since she is so dangerous? Can you have a relationship with their parents? My birth sister was like this too.
Upon first meeting, and during the first 3/4 of the pregnancy, if you would have asked me to give you 100 adjectives to describe the birthmother, the word dangerous would not have even been on the list. Who I thought I saw then was a quiet, gentle child-like woman down on her luck who needed support, friendship and trust. Based on what I have been told by my family members who were involved during that time, this is also how they perceived her. Our hearts really went out to this woman and we wanted to show her a family-type of support. It was our choice to go above and beyond for her and help her as much as possible. In addition to living expenses for herself and her children, we made sure she had a large clothing allowance and was given prenatal massage. I suppose I am writing this to let you know that we initially didn't see any dangerous signs. When she would indirectly threaten to terminate it was initially presented more as her saying she just couldn't do it anymore.....but if she had XYZ, she could probably make it through. I have since come to realize our response is the same that others first have with her, one of wanting to help her, not fear her.
As far as I know she has custody of her other children and extended family members help her care for them. I was told during the pregnancy that none of the fathers are in the picture. She told us she and her children were all living in an attic room above a relative's house. We were shown photos of a medium-sized room with several beds and mounds of clothing, toys, etc covering any open space. We never went there because it was a days drive away and she said her extended family didn't want us to come. She preferred us to give her gas money so she could drive to our area monthly since her parents live nearby. However, we rented her a cottage just down the street from us for the last few months of her pregnancy. During that time we helped her with basic daily living and cared for her toddler whom she brought with her. The other children stayed back with relatives.
She claimed that no other family member wanted to meet us except for her grandparents. We never officiallymet anyone else. Although we did see them at the hospital! She said her immediate family believed in "blood ties" and they named our daughter a different name and would try to take her home with them after the birth. We found this to be true and were glad we alerted hospital security ahead of time. After the birth I hid with my baby in a private room while hearing them scream at the birthmother (who had just gone through complications) that they were "taking their Baby ______ home".
I am not clear about who has directly instigated what. I believe her immediate family must be involved and I am not sure to what degree. It is all very sad to me, for everyone. It is drama that a new baby shouldn't be born into. Even so, we would do it all again tenfold to have our precious little girl. She has brought more joy and true happiness to our lives than is measurable. We are going to do everything we can to keep her absent from this chaos and ensure her the love and opportunity she deserves.
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MonjuMama
The last photos I sent to the birthmother were just before the adoption finalization. I only sent them because it was my attorney's advice to give her what she wanted until we were legally a family. That has been quite some time ago. My husband and I have decided not to send her any photos again....
So are you saying that you only agreed to an open adoption, along with updates and photos, in order to get the baby? Are you really saying that from the beginning, you never intended to continue sending photos? Did you at least tell this woman your plans while she was still pregnant?
There are so many aspects to this situation that are troubling to me...in terms of both amom and bmom. I am shocked that a licensed attorney in the State of California isn't aware that you are required to submit the OA agreement at the time of finalization. (But then again, it sounds like you never really planned to follow through with an OA.) The other disturbing fact is that California has very strict laws about what the definition and limits are for "birthmother expenses." Again, your lawyer should have known what these laws and regulations are in our state.
Good luck to you. It certainly sounds like a complicated situation...
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RavenSong
So are you saying that you only agreed to an open adoption, along with updates and photos, in order to get the baby? Are you really saying that from the beginning, you never intended to continue sending photos? Did you at least tell this woman your plans while she was still pregnant?
There are so many aspects to this situation that are troubling to me...in terms of both amom and bmom. I am shocked that a licensed attorney in the State of California isn't aware that you are required to submit the OA agreement at the time of finalization. (But then again, it sounds like you never really planned to follow through with an OA.) The other disturbing fact is that California has very strict laws about what the definition and limits are for "birthmother expenses." Again, your lawyer should have known what these laws and regulations are in our state.
Good luck to you. It certainly sounds like a complicated situation...
Like most parents I have wanted for my child the very best. I want for her the things I felt bettered my life, and to protect her from the aspects that I learned were not as beneficial for me growing up. I am an adoptee myself and I knew information about bio family but didn't have a wide open adoption. More than anything I wanted to give my daughter that piece of the puzzle to help with her identity, the piece that I didn't fully have. I wanted her to have contact with birth family throughout her life when questions came up. I wanted the bio family to be like an extended family to her. This is what I truly intended and thought was possible.
Throughout the pregnancy I spent a lot of time with the birthmother and considered her a friend. She called herself our surrogate so we had no problem committing to sending letters, photos, and eventually meeting up periodically.
To answer your question: Yes, I intended on sending her photos. When I imagined myself in her shoes I knew it would help me to know the child I carried was OK. I wanted to send her photos because I felt grateful to her for carrying my daughter. I wanted to send her photos because I initially thought it was the right thing to do. During her pregnancy she reassured me she would be respectful and I trusted her. I had no idea she would ask for photos every few days after the birth (while reminding us often the adoption was not yet final), send clothing weekly and request we photograph each outfit she sent on the baby and e-mail them to her. We found her posting the pictures on the internet showing our daughter with our personal information. She told her friends that we were just taking care of her baby during the difficult stage (diapers, sleepless nights, etc.) , and after the baby got older and was easier, she would come back to "show everyone she is a mini me".
It became very apparent to us that it was her fantasy that she could use us to raise and care for this child, use the photos for her attention, and she planned to come back at her convenience to claim our daughter as her "real mom". She then sent someone to spy on us at our family's private party and take photos. We then got phone calls from our neighbors saying people were going through our gates and sneaking around in our yard taking photos. We then were approached by strangers on foot in front of our home asking my husband and his father personal questions, such as, "Is that your car?" and they tried to photograph the license #. We then got a call from our attorney saying something was up because she kept calling them and acting strange.
We had not yet discovered she impersonated me to obtain a current birth certificate, and appeared to be committing welfare fraud.....But, to answer your question, at that point I did not want to send her any more photos. Every part of my being wanted to protect my daughter and I felt personally betrayed by her. I felt then and still feel now extremely sad that my daughter will grow up not having that piece which I also felt was missing in my childhood. Please keep in mind, I have no reason to lie about this, its an anonymous forum.
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Thank you for clarifying the photo situation. It sounds like you voluntarily sent her pictures in the beginning. The part that threw me in your previous post was the statement I bolded about the only reason you sent them was that your lawyer advised you to "give her anything she wants until the adoption was finalized."
The money/expenses aspect still confuse me, though. I am very familiar with California's adoption laws, and I understood that all birth/first mother expenses had to be itemized, with a cap on the total amount. Was your lawyer not aware of the state laws about bmom expenses under California Penal Code Section 273? (I do have to admit, though, that the state law can be interpreted with a lot of room to spare. For more information and guidelines, please see The Academy of California Adoption Lawyers' website at [url=http://acal.org/birth.htm]FAQ's about Birth Mother Expenses[/url].)
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MonjuMama
She has been diagnosed with several conditions including borderline personality disorder, psychopathic traits and delusional thinking. How do I tell my child the truth about the adoption, age appropriate, and protect my child from these people who don't seem to have many boundaries, while still nurturing my child's heart and self-esteem. ? .
Please help.
This is a great question, and one I work on daily. I adopted my son from foster care. We have a (so far successful) semi-open adoption with two visits per year. His bmom has a host of issues most stem from a childhood head injury. One thing that has helped me to frame my conversations with my son is that I have worked to become educated about the long term consequences of head injury. Knowing what her abilities and her limitations are helps me to set up visits so that they can be sucessful. It also helps me frame the conversations around her disability in a way that is understandable and compassionate for my son. (He's only six and I think I'm doing okay so far, but I am sure there are bumps in the road to come)
You have a particularly tough challenge if mom has borderline personality disorder. Current research is leaning toward the theory that unhealed attachment disorders in girls develop into borderline personlity disorder in adult women. If your child's bmom is incapable of having a healthy attached relationship, then cutting off contact is the safest, healthiest thing you can do.
I actually love the way that you phrased your question: How do I tell my child the truth, protect her from people who don't have boundaries and still nurture her heart and self esteem? The answer is that you do exactly what you asked. You tell your child the truth (gently, respectfully, age appropriately), you protect her by setting appropriate boundaries (even if that means cutting off contact), you nurture her heart and self-esteem - by letting her know that she is loved and wanted and special and worth the truth and protection and boundaries.
These are hard questions with no easy answers. Keep asking, keep learning, keep parenting. and let us know how it is going.
Good luck on your journey.
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RavenSong
Thank you for clarifying the photo situation. It sounds like you voluntarily sent her pictures in the beginning. The part that threw me in your previous post was the statement I bolded about the only reason you sent them was that your lawyer advised you to "give her anything she wants until the adoption was finalized."
The money/expenses aspect still confuse me, though. I am very familiar with California's adoption laws, and I understood that all birth/first mother expenses had to be itemized, with a cap on the total amount. Was your lawyer not aware of the state laws about bmom expenses under California Penal Code Section 273? (I do have to admit, though, that the state law can be interpreted with a lot of room to spare. For more information and guidelines, please see The Academy of California Adoption Lawyers' website at [url=http://acal.org/birth.htm]FAQ's about Birth Mother Expenses[/url].)
Yes, we sent photos, photos and more photos. I lost count after around 100 (not exaggerating). I felt bombarded by continuous requests. I wanted her to give us time to properly bond and let us be the family she said she wanted for this child.
I am not a legal professional, and this is the only adoption experience I have directly had. I can tell you only what I remember happened with us. We have a CPA from a reputable firm and an adoption attorney with over 27 years experience in adoption. She is an adoptive mother herself who has and advocates open adoption.
We have given them both itemized lists with receipts to confirm our expenses. There were some expenses that we simply did not claim because they were gifts and not necessary approved costs. During the pregnancy we spent a lot of time together. It didn't feel like a business deal and we didn't have a mediator, it was just us. When I went shopping for clothes for myself or the baby, I bought her some extra clothes, too. When my husband and I went to get massages, we found someone who understood prenatal trigger points and invited her, too. When we went out to dinner, we payed for her food and her children as well. I don't believe we claimed: extra clothing, gifts, dinners, massages, midwife and lactation consultant fees, additional ultra sound fees, or child care bills we paid occasionally for her toddler's care.
What I believe we did claim were her monthly food and rent bills, prenatal vitamins, gas allowance, cell phone bills, health insurances for she and her children, automobile repairs and upkeep, private attorney fees for all of us, social worker fees to travel and meet with she and the birthfather, court costs, cottage rental expenses, pregnancy expenses health insurance didn't cover, and a certain amount of clothing cost. I may have left a few things out. This is my best recollection.
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c.a
This is a great question, and one I work on daily. I adopted my son from foster care. We have a (so far successful) semi-open adoption with two visits per year. His bmom has a host of issues most stem from a childhood head injury. One thing that has helped me to frame my conversations with my son is that I have worked to become educated about the long term consequences of head injury. Knowing what her abilities and her limitations are helps me to set up visits so that they can be sucessful. It also helps me frame the conversations around her disability in a way that is understandable and compassionate for my son. (He's only six and I think I'm doing okay so far, but I am sure there are bumps in the road to come)
You have a particularly tough challenge if mom has borderline personality disorder. Current research is leaning toward the theory that unhealed attachment disorders in girls develop into borderline personlity disorder in adult women. If your child's bmom is incapable of having a healthy attached relationship, then cutting off contact is the safest, healthiest thing you can do.
I actually love the way that you phrased your question: How do I tell my child the truth, protect her from people who don't have boundaries and still nurture her heart and self esteem? The answer is that you do exactly what you asked. You tell your child the truth (gently, respectfully, age appropriately), you protect her by setting appropriate boundaries (even if that means cutting off contact), you nurture her heart and self-esteem - by letting her know that she is loved and wanted and special and worth the truth and protection and boundaries.
These are hard questions with no easy answers. Keep asking, keep learning, keep parenting. and let us know how it is going.
Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for really reading and hearing my feelings through the post. I appreciate your advice on how to approach this all with my daughter. Your thoughts help me confirm how I already feel it should be handled. It is just nice to hear it from another's perspective, along with such compassion.
I would imagine explaining a head injury to a six year old and working things out with the bmom is not simple and straight forward. How fortunate to all involved that you take the time to educate yourself and your son. If you are interested in sharing, I am curious how old he was when he joined your family and what exactly it is you say to him before/after visits. Are you in contact with any other birth family members? Do you have any fears about how she treats your son?
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MonjuMama
She has been diagnosed with several conditions including borderline personality disorder, psychopathic traits and delusional thinking.
How do I tell my child the truth about the adoption, age appropriate, and protect my child from these people who don't seem to have many boundaries, while still nurturing my child's heart and self-esteem. ? .
Please help.
First order of business: stop contact immediately. The psychological problems she has been DIAGNOSED with are dangerous. Everything you have laid out about her behavior and that of her friends and relatives is stalking. And it is escalating. Take out a protective order.
As much as you want that biological connection for your daughter, this is a person who is unsafe. If you and your husband never saw it coming, imagine what your little girl will see. While you have your adult sensibilities to guide and protect you, a child does not and you will never know what she processes about her birth mother until years later.
As for the pictures? If it is on Facebook you can contact the administrator and tell them to take the pictures down. You are the legal parent of your child, so she cannot post them without your permission. That may be true on other sites, but definitely FB.
Glad you got the SS issue checked out. I have friends who adopted two little girls. They got wind that relatives were sniffing around the SS numbers for the girls (not real bright criminals :rolleyes: ) so marched straight down the the local SS office and had it taken care of.
As for wanting to maintain an OA, I believe having that biological connection is very important if it's safe. Nothing that you have relayed her indicates this woman is safe. You know this, which is why you reached out. So you must know, at a gut level, what you need to do for your daughter's safety and well-being.
There is a lot about my daughter's first family that disturbs me. A lot of things that are hard for me to swallow as an adult, but I know a lot of the problems have a basis in addiction and more than probably some mental illness. All she needs to know for the next couple of years is that her first mom was sick and couldn't take care of her appropriately. As she gets older and can process what mental illness and addiction are, we will talk about those issues. I will also stress that her first mom didn't have proper role models herself as a young child, and how the cycle of addiction was never addressed. Heady stuff for little kids, which is why I will also consult therapists who are well-versed in adoption to help me out.
I am plenty scared of the genetic component of mental illness and addiction. Two things my family suffers a great deal from, so I have a lot of experience, knowledge, and empathy. Cam will see first hand that cycles of addiction can be broken (in our family) and no matter what, if mental illness appears she will always be taken care of.
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jcm
First order of business: stop contact immediately. The psychological problems she has been DIAGNOSED with are dangerous. Everything you have laid out about her behavior and that of her friends and relatives is stalking. And it is escalating. Take out a protective order.
As much as you want that biological connection for your daughter, this is a person who is unsafe. If you and your husband never saw it coming, imagine what your little girl will see. While you have your adult sensibilities to guide and protect you, a child does not and you will never know what she processes about her birth mother until years later.
As for the pictures? If it is on Facebook you can contact the administrator and tell them to take the pictures down. You are the legal parent of your child, so she cannot post them without your permission. That may be true on other sites, but definitely FB.
Glad you got the SS issue checked out. I have friends who adopted two little girls. They got wind that relatives were sniffing around the SS numbers for the girls (not real bright criminals :rolleyes: ) so marched straight down the the local SS office and had it taken care of.
As for wanting to maintain an OA, I believe having that biological connection is very important if it's safe. Nothing that you have relayed her indicates this woman is safe. You know this, which is why you reached out. So you must know, at a gut level, what you need to do for your daughter's safety and well-being.
There is a lot about my daughter's first family that disturbs me. A lot of things that are hard for me to swallow as an adult, but I know a lot of the problems have a basis in addiction and more than probably some mental illness. All she needs to know for the next couple of years is that her first mom was sick and couldn't take care of her appropriately. As she gets older and can process what mental illness and addiction are, we will talk about those issues. I will also stress that her first mom didn't have proper role models herself as a young child, and how the cycle of addiction was never addressed. Heady stuff for little kids, which is why I will also consult therapists who are well-versed in adoption to help me out.
I am plenty scared of the genetic component of mental illness and addiction. Two things my family suffers a great deal from, so I have a lot of experience, knowledge, and empathy. Cam will see first hand that cycles of addiction can be broken (in our family) and no matter what, if mental illness appears she will always be taken care of.
Thank you, JC, for sharing about your daughter and how you plan to talk with her. It sounds to me like what you are going to explain about her bfamily's history is also not so easy. I suppose we, as parents just need to be as truthful and gentle as possible and hopefully our love will help cushion the blow from some of the details we will eventually share.
I appreciate your stance on no contact. You are right about me understanding this at a gut level. This is also what we feel is right. We didn't yet file a restraining order because after our last firm letter to the bmom, which was several months ago, we have not heard from her since. If she contacts us again, however, we will immediately proceed with the proper court paperwork.
It was a good reminder for me to read you say that I will not know how my daughter processes feelings about her birthfamily until much later. I am working on living more in the moment and enjoying time we have together as a family instead of worrying so much about how her heart will feel in the future.
Blessings to you and your bundle of joy.
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While I cannot give you any advice from the stand point of an adoptive parent. I can tell you my dad has a lot of the same mental health issues. Growing up, it was hard to understand his actions and what was happening around me. As I have aged, I have come to the terms that it is my job to protect myself. I had to cut off my relationship with my dad because I could not emtionally handle the ups and downs. All I can say is that you need to make sure to protect your child from this emotional roller coaster. It sounds like bmom is sick and needs help. She needs meds and counceling and no one can make her do that but herself. I would suggest educating your child on bmom's illness when it is age appropriate. This way if your child decides to have contact they will know when the disease is talking and when the bmom is.
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Maynard75
While I cannot give you any advice from the stand point of an adoptive parent. I can tell you my dad has a lot of the same mental health issues. Growing up, it was hard to understand his actions and what was happening around me. As I have aged, I have come to the terms that it is my job to protect myself. I had to cut off my relationship with my dad because I could not emtionally handle the ups and downs. All I can say is that you need to make sure to protect your child from this emotional roller coaster. It sounds like bmom is sick and needs help. She needs meds and counceling and no one can make her do that but herself. I would suggest educating your child on bmom's illness when it is age appropriate. This way if your child decides to have contact they will know when the disease is talking and when the bmom is.
Thank you for your inside perspective. In the past I felt as if I am taking something away from my daughter by her not having access to bios. I am now releasing that guilt feeling as I come to realize I am giving her the gift of safety and protection from confusion by denying her contact, and that not all situations are cookie-cutter where open adoption is the best option. I appreciate you sharing your experience.
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