Grandparents: adopted v. bio

Both of my parents have passed away, but I have continued contact with my stepfather, who I have always referred to as my dad, not my stepdad. We have had more downs than ups, but family is family. Until now. I have slowly been cutting off contact. He does not even know my fd's name, and I have had her for almost a year. It's not because I haven't told him, but because he just doesn't care. He actually has said to me, "Now, I don't need details, but I'm just going to ask, how are the kids?" Basically it feels like he's saying, I'm only asking because I know I should, not because I actually care. And I don't really want you to say anything other than "fine". It isn't just showing that he doesn't care about the kids, but that he doesn't care about me. If he did, he'd want to hear about my life, which is the kids. Boy, this touched a nerve for me! I have always taken garbage from people in my life and about 10 years ago I decided no more. Toxic people are gone. I have my fk's family that I have to deal with and they're toxic enough, I don't need it from people who are supposed to be supportive of me, kwim? If you try to talk to them about it and it doesn't change, then you've got to make the change yourself.

I have to say in some cases I do give the benefit of the doubt. My parents try to treat all my kids equally (1 adopted, 3 bio). They do gifts, hang out with my kids, babysit, put money away for school. All of that. But admit they find it harder to connect with my oldest son. In part as he was adopted as an older child so they don't have the same history, in part as he can be exceptionally annoying. They do find my 2nd oldest a joy to hang out with. And since he's not yet in school, have plenty more opportunities to do so. It's not malicious, but he's a bit of a favorite -- even over my other biological children.

Okay...here's the deal.Let them know your feelings AND giving examples of what they have done and said. Tell them how it makes you feel.Then..let it go.IF they don't change, you need to make the choice to either put yourself and your daughter around them, or to back away. Only you can decideGL!

Man alive, do I know what you're talking about!! My family did the same thing. We had McB for nearly a year at the point of no return. The day was supposed to be grandma, grandkids, and myself (cause I'm the owner of the larger vehicle which can drive all the kids). I was told to drive particularly safe because bio grandchild was in the car. We had to get to a portrait studio because bio grandchild was there, new toys and clothes for bio grandchild. My stbak's?? Just riders in bio grandkid's carriage for the day, I guess?? I got into it with my mother, explained that my stbak's should be treated no less important nor any less fragile than bio grandkids and then removed myself from her presence for three months. I accepted two calls during that time and both resulted in her going back to the initial belief's of "bio is so precious, yours are recyclable". After three months, a missed birthday, she FINALLY got it. Things have changed immensely and my kids are young enough that they have no idea it ever happened. She treats them all equal, and understands that if she thinks of putting my kids in any type of stereotype that results in anything less than bio grandkid--she's out. I'm glad to say that it's been at least seven months since we began talking and we haven't had one issue of favoritism since. I hope, for your sake, that grandparents realize the life and bond they have with your ad is just as important and perfect as it will be with bio grandkids. They're all kids and deserve all the love in the world.

I know the feeling. My mom favors her bio grandkids too. My kids get spoiled in presents and when we are alone with her it's fine, but when my sisters kids are there, well my kids just might as well forget it. It is confusing for them. I have talked to my mom about it, and she is trying. Another point, and this is more for the foster child vs. the adopted child. My parents will get close too a child in my home, but without that legal permanence, they fear getting to close. My older two will have been with me for four years at the end of this month and are not yet adopted. Mostly due to extenuating circumstances. My mom will still say things like you need to think of your son first, meaning my other son who I adopted out of fc. He apparently has more pull even though I have only had him seven months longer. Our defining moment came at my youngests adoption day. My mom told ms she didn't want to use a vacation day for it. I was devestated and outraged. We had it out and I think she understands now more. It will never be the same though.

Being told you are not a mother yet on Mother's Day! That made my eyes tear up a little when I read that. I would have cried all day!I can relate though, my MIL has always made snarky remarks and like to remind me that I am not my kids BioMom... I am their STBA step mom and I have been just MOM for over 8 years. She never refers to me as mom around the kids. She will just say "go tell Sarah" never "your mom". I could write many hurtful things she has done to me in the 8 years. The most recent thing that hurt my feelings was her asking me to step out of a family picture with our middle school graduate! I did cry and and I felt bad to put a damper on my daughter's day. (I tried to hide that I was upset from her)I however, have never stood up for myself. My husband is the one that always confronts her. Any time I want to I chicken out. I find her highly intimidating. If it was my mom I would tell her no problem. I suggest to let them know asap that you will have your feelings hurt if they treat your niece/nephew as their first grandbaby. Hopefully, they will understand. And if you can talk to them in a light hearted way before any favoritism occurs than maybe that will be all it takes. On the positive note, congratulations on your baby and on your soon to be niece or nephew! It will be great having cousins pretty close in age!

My MIL has favorites. Out of all her grandchildren mine are the favorites. Out of my kids - my oldest and youngest. Everyone is bio - so adoption doesn't play into this. My husband has been warned (by me) that should we adopt that MIL will have issues.She was confronted once and she is doing a better job at treating my kids equally -- but our family comes first and if we have to cut her off we will.Stay strong and protect your baby.

...and I feel sorry for them. They have no idea what they are missing out on! My MIL sent me a card that said Happy "Mother's" Day! My dd has been adopted for over two years yet I am just a "mother." It was so ridiculous that I laughed out loud.

Agreed. it happens with mixed marriage families, too. I called my MIL on favorism when she was upset that her son (my husband's brother)said "if you can't buy all four of my kids something, don't buy anything" when she only wanted to buy his bio-kids special gifts instead of the step kids, too. I couldn't believe someone could have selfish tendencies. I told her that my unrelated grandpa from marriage treated me like the apple of his eye. I had my own issues when I adopted. No one gave me caddy remarks, but by the time my little one came along, the grandparents were older, working, and less apt to want to babysit, see her, and they had already been-there-done-that with other grandkids. I, too, was crying the blues thinking DD was getting cheated. Two years later, both MIL's are retired, other grandkids have moved away, so she is the only positive thing in their lives. Both even ask when I will adopt another. So things change, I guess. I sense, though, that there are bigger issues, especially with your dad because of the name comment and the mother comment. I sense it could it be a racial issue, although you never said if the kid was from another race. I'm afraid your feelings of favortism will increase when your sister approaches term and the baby shower starts happening. Geeze, it was hard for me to see a distant friend setup her expensive registry and go on and on about breast feeding. The best way to combat the feelings, in my opinion, is to get involved because it will make you happy on some level to do good for others. When I had a 2nd miscarriage, I still commited to host by good friend's baby shower, and oddly it was very helpful to me because I saw how happy she was and I was in control of the show and not watching from the sidelines singing the blues. That's it. my 2 cents.

You could look on the bright side. At least the grandparents are still alive. Both of my folks died when my oldest was 2. She doesn't remember either of them and of course the rest of the kids only know them through stories.

There really isn't much you can do to change this situation. They may not even realize they are doing it. Hang in there and try not to let it bother you too much.

When I read your post one thing jumped out at me immediately (and I thought it to myself before I read it) and that is that you said your sister has been your Dad's favorite. I truly believe that any favoritism you see between grandchildren will MOSTLY be due to that fact, rather than the adoption. It is easier to blame stuff on adopted vs. bio, but just because it's there and it's different. Take care :)

One of the helpful pieces of advice was to use a "compliment sandwich" when confronting the issue. Basically 2 reassuring statements surrounding an assertive one. ie "It's really important to me that my kids continue to have agreat relationship with you. I know they love doing ________ with you and I love that they are able to share those special times with you. I know you love me and my kids and don't want to hurt us, but when you __________ it makes me feel like you don't care about us as much as my sister and her child. It feels like you believe that your bio grandkids are better or more important than your adopted grandkids. I know that that may not be true and that it is probably not intentional on your part but that is how it feels to me/us. And I'm afraid that as the kids get older they might notice this and feel badly about it. If you could try to treat us all equally it would show us that you really do care about all of us. I know that you love your grandkids and they love you too. I just wanted to clear the air and see if we can work out a solution so that you and we can have the great relationship I know we can have. I don't want my kids to miss out on having the great relationship with their grandparents that I know is possible because I know how much we all care about each other."Presenting it in this way alleviates a lot of the anger or defensiveness that is often the initial reaction. Be clear about what it is that makes to uncomfortable or that you would like to change. Use I satements ("I feel like you care more about ______ when you________" or I feel this would help or I feel this is damaging" not "this hurts your grankids" or "this isn't acceptable"). Acknowledge the things they are doing right so they don't feel entirely unappreciated or misjudged. Know that it might not bring instant change but that it does help to let them know how you're feeling. Most of the time they are not purposely trying to hurt you or snub the grankids. Keep giving gentle reminders when needed and try to bring it up calmly and compassionately. Remember that the goal is to make the relationship better in the present and the future not to get "justice" for past mistakes.

I'm in a pretty similar situation but the BS and AD are both mine. My son is 4 and was the only grandchild on both sides. We were very concerned when our daughter was placed with us as we knew my in-laws would never love her the same as our son. My parents love and treat them equally, my SIL and FIL do the same. My MIL is a different story. She's always watched my son in the summer but last summer and this one she pretty much refused to keep our daughter. When she does she complains. It frustrates me alot but I had to just let it go. Many people, including family will not be fully supportive of your adopted children. My birthfather said he would come down and see our daughter once the adoption was final as that would be when she is his real grandchild (she had already been home 11 months by then) and he still hasn't seen her. He freaked out when he saw a recent picture of her "dark" skin. I was so mad! I knew going into this that he would not be supportive as he lives in an area where mixing races in any way shape or form through marriage or adoption is not acceptable. I didn't care though. I only see him once every 5 years so I figured it didn't matter. It's his loss that he's so close minded! I would just wait until the baby is born and see how it goes. Your daughter is also the oldest grandchild and already has memories and a history with them so that will make the bond stronger.

One of the helpful pieces of advice was to use a "compliment sandwich" when confronting the issue. Basically 2 reassuring statements surrounding an assertive one. ie "It's really important to me that my kids continue to have agreat relationship with you. I know they love doing ________ with you and I love that they are able to share those special times with you. I know you love me and my kids and don't want to hurt us, but when you __________ it makes me feel like you don't care about us as much as my sister and her child. It feels like you believe that your bio grandkids are better or more important than your adopted grandkids. I know that that may not be true and that it is probably not intentional on your part but that is how it feels to me/us. And I'm afraid that as the kids get older they might notice this and feel badly about it. If you could try to treat us all equally it would show us that you really do care about all of us. I know that you love your grandkids and they love you too. I just wanted to clear the air and see if we can work out a solution so that you and we can have the great relationship I know we can have. I don't want my kids to miss out on having the great relationship with their grandparents that I know is possible because I know how much we all care about each other."Presenting it in this way alleviates a lot of the anger or defensiveness that is often the initial reaction. Be clear about what it is that makes to uncomfortable or that you would like to change. Use I satements ("I feel like you care more about ______ when you________" or I feel this would help or I feel this is damaging" not "this hurts your grankids" or "this isn't acceptable"). Acknowledge the things they are doing right so they don't feel entirely unappreciated or misjudged. Know that it might not bring instant change but that it does help to let them know how you're feeling. Most of the time they are not purposely trying to hurt you or snub the grankids. Keep giving gentle reminders when needed and try to bring it up calmly and compassionately. Remember that the goal is to make the relationship better in the present and the future not to get "justice" for past mistakes.

Wow! My MIL did the same thing for me!! I was going to even right that last night in my post! She put quotes around mother.. it was a real slap in the face. I have been mom for 8 years. That is crazy your MIL did the same thing. When I read that I was like, wait is that me?? Lol