Pictures

Exactly my point! That is where my confusion comes in... It doesn't seem right to me either. In my opinion, it is not just my connection with him, but his connection with me as well. WE have a bond, not just me. And when I send them pics of his ONLY sibiling it is the same. He is seeing her grow, what she looks like...and establishing a connection.

m-mom, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I don't visit my Kiddo's house and there is a reason for that, I don't have to worry about they do and don't have displayed and what not. I know he has seen the pictures of me that I have sent because he does ask me about them. I'm sensing here that what bothers you most is that your son doesn't even know that you sent these pictures right? That would bother me too, LOTS. So it is really a question of whether or not the pictures are displayed or more along the lines of are his mom and dad sharing the things you send with him? I'm in the same position as you, I do all of the initiating and planning and what not. I've really had to limit where I will see my son and his family and for how long. You might consider doing the same, just a thought.

Blue, Thank you for your response. Yes, it does bother me that I don't know if he has got things I have sent. I am still sorting this all out. My frustration stems from the lack of openness as a whole on their part, i.e not giving him pics, taking any initiation for contact, Taking sometimes weeks to respond to me! And I agree with you on changing up the visitation. For the next visit, I asked to take him to lunch, ALONE, something that has never been before. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with him and really starting on focusing on him, not the whole family. I am so thankful for outstanding parenting they have given him, however in my dream of dreams I wished we could all be closer. How old is your son? Do you get very much contact with him?

My Kiddo just turned 7. I see him a few times a year at a neutral location. I write him letters and occasionally I get one back. His mom wants all the contact to be by phone and I just can't do that. How do you talk to a seven year old on the phone? We talk for two minutes and then he wants to give the phone to his little brother. My DH and I have talked about visits alone with him but we don't see that happening anytime soon and neither does the agency. They have been helping me for the past two years or so because things have been such a mess. Right now we drive to the "big city" about two hours from us and ten minutes from them and plan something there. Last time it was chuck e cheese, not doing that again, there aren't enouch adult beverages in the world, haha. Does your son have an email account? Maybe you could have that for just the two of you, or a special facebook page? Or maybe a blog? Those are some ideas the agency had for me because I am definitely technologically inclined and even though his parents aren't, you know my kid will be, given the era he is growing up in. I'm not happy to know you are going through this, but it does make it easier to know I'm not the only one :)

This would put me off, as an a-mom. A gift is supposed to be a gift. The person recieving the gift is free to do with what they want. if the gift implies I "MUST" do something with it, particularly if i didn't request and and was uncomfortable with the suggestion.. especially if you hit me on a stressful day, i'd toss the whole thing in the trash can You can't make me do something I don't want to do. I am a huge proponent of OA. I even signed a llegally binding one! But I will not be bullied into doing things I'm not comfortable with. I'll rebel My mom used to do this trick - send framed pictures of herself with the expectation we display them. she's mentally ill. Looking at her picture changed the dynamic of the space in my home. every time I saw it, I was reminded of how her mental illness dominated my life, made me unsure of reality. If the adoptee's mom tenses up when she sees your picture, it effects her time with her kid. And, as a result, detrimentally effecting her kid. Again, I adopted a family member through the foster care system. Domestic adoption is different. I get that. But this thread oozes of entitlement to me. I'm trying to see the BP side of things.. You old timers, feel free to educate. But even in OA, you have no right to decide what I do in my home. What am i missing?

wcurry, I think you are being triggered by your own experiences. I don't think that m-mom is trying to bully anyone into doing anything, I think she is trying to process her hurt and frustration in a safe place and not cause rifts with her kid's family. I think what hurts her is that she has discussed these pictures with her son and he doesn't even know about them, not so much that they weren't displayed although that is where the thread starts. Read down a little and you will see that the communication issues go much farther than that. Now, speaking as an adopted person, if I found out that my mom and dad had gotten things from M and just thrown them out because of what THEY were feeling with no consideration for me, I'd be mad as hell. If you don't want to display something that a first mom gives, fine, but throw it away when the kid is little because of your own feelings? Wow, talk about disrespecting your child.

I could very well be triggered by my own past. I definitely own that. I read the entire thread - 4 times. I started responding then deleted it, 3 times. The reason I posted was because no where in this thread do I see any non-judgemental reason why an AP might not hang the picture on the wall. If you can't see why, then the only explanation is that the AP is selfish, squeezing the BM out of the picture. I see the entire misunderstand as a disagreement into where the boundaires lie. From an AP side of things, sending a framed picture could be seen as pushing on my boundaries At this point, OP needs to have a heart to heart with AM. Not give another picture, but talk through the specifics of thosee boundaries

My understanding was that the Mom was also sending framed pics to menu (several a year) - so does that hold the same "force?" By that tone, couldn't Mom also be "forcing" the issue with framed pics? In which case, I can kind of understand the feeling that it's like the Mom is saying "pics of me and my child are worth putting up in your home, but pics of you and my child have no place in my home." Personally? Yes, my feelings would likely be hurt - just as a trigger, not even necessarily because they're fair, you know?I agree that there are many reasons that parents may choose to have any given picture in there home, and that the sole reason isn't necessarily disrepect. And the only way to know that is definitely to talk to the parents about this issue.However, I will say that I think that a teenager should at least know that the pictures exist and were sent and he should have a say in the matter at this point. I can understand having a voice in what goes up in the house, but if he really wanted that picture in his room, for instance, I believe that should be his choice - or that at the LEAST he should have input in the decision.

Great question, TGM. For me, i would never send a framed picture. I can't imagine why someone would. The only way to figure out the rules and ramifications would be if they sit down together and discuss it directly

Oh, I definitely agree :) I just have to approach from a "do unto others" type of approach. If you think it's appropriate to send framed pictures, I feel like you should think it appropriate to receive them as well. What you do with them can still be up to you, of course.

I've gotten a few framed pictures over the years and I would guess it was a suggestion the agency made. I used to have them up in my house but I don't now. I've never given framed photos, I have given a photo album. I think that they do all need to sit down and talk about that if it is possible. I think there is a lot more frustration going on though than just pictures. If m-mom is willing to sit down and give it a try, I say go for it. I've also learned there is a limit to what any one person can do and if that doesn't go so great then I think reevaluating the relationship is a valid next step for her to take.

As an AMom, this is the part that seems pushing to me, as if you are trying to thwart AMom's wishes in her own home. If you already know that she has chosen not to put them up and then you deliberately try to push the issue by circumventing her that to me seems like a passive aggressive move that I would feel uncomfortable with. I wouldn't feel like I would be able to trust you to respect my choices about OA in my family and in my home.I have to say that I agree with alot of what WCurry wrote, especially.....m-mom - I would hate to see it become a bigger issue. You said that you want to take him for lunch alone {although you didn't say if they have agreed to that yet?} and start building a relationship with him away from his family. He is only 13, is that right? This will take alot of trust and confidence on the part of the Aparents in you, your motives and your level of respect for their boundaries. To me building that trust and having that relationship and creating the memories with your son would be more important than if they put the framed pics up on the wall or in a drawer to save them for him.I will confess that I too have had a bad experience with a Bio Grandma pushing herself on us and into our family through "gifts". One of these many instances involved a picture that she had drawn of our family with herself dominating the center of it {she is a very large woman} and our family circled around her. It was framed and came out to be about 3'x4' and she wrote us a card telling me to hang it in my living room......uh...No this is not the view of my family that I am going to present to everyone in my living room....where I do not have a family picture wall. I returned the picture and she has been pissed at me ever since. But she has continued to push and push with gifts and now we are at the point where all her gifts have to go through me and I open them first. I have returned others and finally just put some away as she WILL NOT respect our family. Needless to say she will never get alone time with my daughter and I have zero trust with her. I only tell you this because I would hate to see this happen with you and your son. I am sorry that it is unbalanced for you. I understand that is the hardest part of OA for Birth Parents. I would just ask her. Maybe if you do get a chance to talk with her about it you will be able to come to a better understanding of her feeling and she of yours. SM

I think displaying of photos is a personal decision, it's not something I personally would be offended by. My cousin has a semi-open (no real contact) adoption with all three of their children. Their oldest was a private adoption, they do have a picture of him and his first mother displayed on the wall near his room--but not anywhere the general household visitors would notice it. All three children have access to baby books with photos of birth family members, and these are in the living room where they are easily accessed. Personally, I gave my (adoptive) mother a picture of myself with her and another framed picture of myself with my birth mother. Not sure what I was shooting for, but she hasn't displayed them prominently as I may have been hoping for (honestly not sure myself). They are in her bedroom, probably more as an after thought than an intentional act--much like the eight photo frames I gave her for Christmas that have yet to be hung. It's not a statement for or against my birth family, simply not something she thinks about with everything else that's going on. That's probably a good possibility in most situations!

Wow, a lot of comments! Sunshinemomma, Yes, I have already arranged to take him to lunch in 3 weeks. I'm very excited about that! I do respect his parents and their boundaries and have never tried to overstep them. I have been nothing but kind and considerate to them and think after 13 years I can be trusted. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. However, I have to disagree with you, that I'm passive aggressive. Part of our adoption agreement is the exchange of pic/letters. Like I've said they prob send me around 6 framed pics a year! I am entitled to give my son a picture on his b-day and not feel guilty about it. However, I'm not going to frame it. I will put it in his card and whatever happens, happens. Couldn't agree more, that's why I said... HE can choose what he wants to do with the gifts I give HIM. Blu, how so? I'm not sure what you mean by this. I feel like I have come to a conclusion on this topic. I really appreciate all your input and helping me come to this. It has been a source of confusion for sometime now. If nothing changes, I will accept the reality that his family is not as "open" as mine. I do not feel comfortable confronting his a-mom. I will simply continue to see, love and embrace my only son and his family!

as an adoptive parent (my kids are young, almost 6 and 7), i keep their first family's pictures in the life book the social workers gave us. we do not talk about their past every day, we talk about it when my sons bring it up. it's a bit of a different situation (from foster care and very closed), but i have a feeling most AP let the child lead those conversations. the kids sure do know their background, what they understand (and i understand) of it, in kid-appropriate ways), but it doesn't affect our daily life. we're like any other family in most ways, it mostly comes up around birthdays, gotcha day or when we have our once or twice a year visit with the foster family. i'll call their foster mom about once a month or so, she has full access to facebook and my blog, but other than that? not a whole lot. the social workers we've talked to (we're in the midst of adopting again) say we have "good boundaries" and really encourage us to keep strong boundaries until our children are much older. if the rest of the relationship is good, i wouldn't worry too much.