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Hi-----I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this site. My son has FAS, depression, explosive disorder, anxiety disorder, and poss. bipolar. He is 18 and was adopted out of NICU at birth with levels of alcohol and cocaine.
H needs line of sight supervision except when he's in his room (with door open). He's been ejected from homeschool co-ops, church youth group, Sunday school, etc. I am a former social worker, so I'm good at doing all the "stuff" of working with doctors and lawyers and counselors. We had to wait till age 18 to file for disability, so we're currently in that purgatory.
Here's my confession----------and I feel really alone but would like feedback. After years of experiencing my son's habitual sneaking, lying, writing sexual notes to young girls on Sunday school bulletins, lying to police, hoarding stolen knives in his bedsheets, resistance to taking meds, telling other people about his awful family who abuses him and keeps him chained in his room..............I AM NUMB. I sometimes have a glimmer of compassion toward him, but not love. I see people on these forums who have a passionate, loving commitment to these difficult children. I pray and ask God to give me the right heart, but numb is the best I am capable of. I have very close and loving relationships with my other children, and I have good relationships with troubled teens I tutor...............I'm going through the motions and doing all the right things to try to get H benefits and situated in a secure, structured psychiatric group home, but honestly, I expect he will probably end up incarcerated, and that thought doesn't even make me feel anything. I've felt this way for the last few years. I just don't want to invest any emotional energy there anymore.
AND I DON'T LIKE MYSELF IN THIS RELATIONSHIP (or no relationship). But I can't muster up the "want to" to change.
Advice? Constructive criticism? Thank you! Sorry it's so long.
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We had a little girl for 7 months that was supposed to be adopted by us, but ended up going home to her birth mom. We are experienced parents, not phased by much, but this little girl had our whole family exhausted and feeling that "numb" feeling by the time she left. In the end we just kept reminding ourselves that love isn't a feeling, it's an action. And greater love has no man, than that he lay down his life for another. That is literally what a parent does, lay down their life for their child. You are an amazing mom, even on the days when you probably feel like you could win a World's Worst award. Why? Simply because you never gave up. Sometimes love is about just continuing to do what you know they need whether or not they want it, appreciate it, or even deserve it.
Are you involved in your local NAMI chapter? Some are awesome and some aren't, but it's worth a shot. I have two kiddos with autism and epilepsy, one also bipolar, and can relate to being numb at times, sometimes long times at a stretch. Finding a way to spend time with friends and also time with other people going through similar things (which can be hard with truly unique kids, I know!) has helped me climb out of numb patches. Sometimes going through the motions is all you can do. I hope that you're able to find a great group home for him. Of course I'm hoping mine won't need one but hope to find a great one if they do.
Thank you so much for encouraging words. Unfortunately it has been difficult to find active local support with other parents in similar situations---------I tried e-mailing people who had listed themselves as contacts from NOFAS, but none are active..............I'll try NAMI. Thankfully our church has been fantastic.
Reading these message boards is both supportive and heartwrenching, but you all "get it." That helps! Perspective is a wonderful thing.
Bless you!
I can relate to your post in a lot of ways. You are definitely not alone. Our son is only 10 and has been here for a little over 8 months and we are feeling very similar. Or at least I am. His behaviors and hurtful things he does are constant. Our son's biological mother was a drug addict. We are not sure what all he was exposed to while she was pregnant. But he was also neglected and abused and witnessed domestic violence as well. So it's not these kids' fault. But that doesn't make me feel any different towards him. I still don't feel warm and fuzzy about him or his behaviors. I'm honestly tired. Most times I do feel like I'm a bad mom. It's sad to not be able to enjoy any kind of relationship with our son. So I guess you are not alone to the numbness. I have been praying for God to change my heart. But I just mostly feel somewhat angry towards my son and really have to detach myself to not just feel upset by him all the time. We were just talking last night how there isn't much support. The people who said they would support us (my family) really haven't been supportive. They have been discouraging really. So you are defnitely not alone.
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