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I have read these posting for years. I fully believed I was in the "never" category for disruption. Well, I was wrong. We are disrupting our placement.
We have been spit on, toothbrushes in toilets, poop on towels, vomit and pee in shower, God knows what in our food. Funny smells in odd places, cans of air spray. We sleep with locked doors at the recommendation of our child's therapist who recommends we disrupt. We have sought the advice of 7 attachment agencies. All question the wisdom of continuing.
We are lied about, we are verbally abused, I am physically restrained, we are manipulated. He manipulates health situations for attention. He has an eating disorder. And a personality disorder. And a whole lot more, but mostly, he has RAD.
He needs 24 hour supervision as he tends to offer himself for sex on the internet. Explicitly. With our address and phone numbers. (Just waiting to hear from the authorities.) He gives his number to anyone that will take it - he has no discernment. We have parental controls on our computers that he gets around. He admits he lied to us about everything we talked about pre-placement... he hates everything about our lives and values. We know now (through his bio family) that this is his pattern. We know so much that would have been valuable, all too late.
He is researching black magic and voodoo and the Satanic bible. We are Christians and very open about that fact. He tells me our house is "marked" and then he laughs. Our friends (who don't know what is going on, only that something is) spontaneously pray over my house as they 'feel some thing'.
He chatters incessantly, insultingly, challenging. This may be the hardest of all. It never ends. It is in public and at home. I know. Get over it, be the adult, right? I know. I said that too. Now I am living it! Home isn't our refuge, it is our nightmare. The professionals tell us they are surprised we have kept him so long - we have done so much for him. He tells me I am a bad mother and a million other insults.
We are stranded. Isolated. I am so alone. We don't know whether we need to be more concerned about keeping him safe or others safe from him. So, we don't go see family, we don't go see friends, and they don't bring their children around here. After a couple of questionable situations, it has been pointed out to us that we are "liable" for his behavior and any consequences.
My husband is ... struggling. As he shared with our therapist, how do I continue to not react, as RAD therapists encourage, when he is ABUSING MY WIFE?? My upstanding, truly kind and loyal husband is breaking my heart. I love him, I don't want our marriage destroyed. The psychologist told us he will target our marriage next.
You know, I even get it. I know why he is doing it. I understand his pushing me away. I get it that RAD is all about the Moms. But we were very clear that we are not equipped to deal with these issues at this time in our lives. We aren't mad, but we aren't what he needs either.
So, it is my fault. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. The price is too high with no identifiable benefit. He is miserable. We are miserable. They lied to us. No one told us prior to placement. They say they didn't know. How could they not know? Every single professional that has encountered our family as requested a psych work up. We wonder if it was on purpose.
So, I am at fault. What do I do about that? Why do I need to be a victim because he was a victim? How do I reassure our other children they are for keeps, after seeking the help he needs? We are assured we are doing the right thing, but it is hard and people are judgmental. I was one of them. Now am one of those I judged.
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Sending your prayers too. Living with RAD here. Our son is still young so things are not quite that bad yet, though it is my fear. I do understand how hard it is to live with someone who shows only hatred for you. I also understand about being lied to! Sending lots and lots of prayers. You have to do what's best for your whole family.
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We can sure use prayers for the next 38 hours until he gets on a plane. It is really going to be tough telling him then trying to keep everyone safe. he social worker refused to be involved - we get to handle it and then hand him off. She wonders why we feel unsupported. Could you be any less supportive? We offered to pick her up so she could be there to support him when we told him. Didn't want to... Praying, praying and praying some more.
My heart breaks for you and your family. My guy also has RAD (they say mild but its not when you're living it!) What helps is that I'm a single parent. You can't really triangulate as well and I also home school. That's also what's bad because there is never a break. Sending hugs as well as prayers. Sometimes all you can do is still not all they need. My guy is only 6 and we have been in therapy for awhile on certain days I see a glimmer other days not so much so. Grieve, heal
I completely agree with your comment about single parenting. I had many RAD foster kids pre-marriage. It was so much easier. My poor husband - he can't fix it. I am targeted but I think it hurts him more. This is the day. We are scared and hopeful. Hopeful that this will point him in the direction of getting the help he needs - it can no longer be ignored. I continue to be surprised at the lack of professionalism and support from the SWers. This is what they do, not what I do. I parent, they support - at least in theory.Thank-you for your support.
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If the SW won't be present, can you recruit one or two big, strong guys from church or wherever to be present when you tell him? We always have to orchestrate confrontations that way. Fortunately our son's counselor is a burly ex-marine. IMO your child's reaction will be mitigated by having an outsider (or outsiders) present. This is about protection.
And can your other children be somewhere safe, out of the home? We've also had to do that when we anticipated a major "event."
We asked our adoption worker to attend to just make sure we had an out for other kids. My husband is that guy - just like your counselor - changes the dynamic for sure! He is our safety plan just by being there.So, we did it. I wrote it in my head, we all planned for every contingency, PsyD had alerted security I imagine, and ... nothing. He said "okay". Just like the good little RADster that he is. He had emotions for about 1.5 minutes then "okay". Now we just have to keep everyone safe through the night and accomplish the hand off. Wow. I can only attribute this to prayer. Absolutely no one that knows this kids expected that!!! Thank-you all for praying! Off to pack. Sad...
So glad the conversation went well. Praying for a safe, uneventful night for all. Please post update when the hand off is finished!
I read a really good article recently about Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms in RAD parents. Be extra gentle with yourself and patient! Your family has been through a war zone.
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I will update you tomorrow. The opportunity to step out of our drama to post has kept me sane this past week. What a strange day. My husband and I are taking shift sitting up outside our son's door tonight. I think we have lost it, because that seems perfectly reasonable to us! I have to stay awake 2.5 more hours then I can sleep a few, then off to meet the completely useless and un-supportive social worker. We will see how she can spin up all that we have worked to keep calm. I am going to google the magazine article you referenced, floppybunny.Thank-you. anyone know any good, free video games? teehee
His parting comment to me was.... "Now, go away". I guess that confirmed any remaining diagnosis questions!It was really quite uneventful - he is off to charm then alienate his next group of adults.All sarcasm (read defense mechanism) aside, we are feeling very, very good about this. We are completely at peace. No one has ever spent enough time with this child to pay attention and get any help. He just got moved. It is what he does. We were God's agents to advocate for him. And that is an important part as it is his only hope to learn to live better. We are going to stay involved and try to make sure, this time, that the right things are done.My other young ones need me and it has been so long since I had much to give. Thank-you for your support. It got me through and I imagine it will again.
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BibleMom -
Thank-you for asking. I don't even know what to say! I don't know what to feel... We just returned from a very expensive trip trying to keep him connected to his siblings, both in our home and in other placements.
I am happy for the normalcy returned to my home and our remaining family. Our daughter recently expressed guilt re: how much she is enjoying the absence of drama, meaning the RAD teen. We are so free. I hadn't fully realized the extent to which we were being held hostage. We were immediately able to reconnect with family and friends and even stay in their homes. That is the good part.
The tough part is the young man. I don't even know what to call him. He was an adoptive placement. Our state wanted the placing state to assist in getting him services. He was returned to his placing state for a detailed assessment. We have literally been cut out - no updates, no info, no contact from evaluating people to find out what we know. Nothing.
What is frustrating for us is we want him to get help. We needed assistance financially to get him that help and our state requested it from the placing state. They are apparently going to do nothing. Again. We are his 4th disrupted placement (another thing we just recently learned). We had obtained evaluations stating he needs attachment treatment. They do not want that to be his diagnosis, I guess. His new placement is inexperienced (he's their first placement) and has bought his "schtick" hook, line and sinker. We talked to them - shared how this is how his placements go - they had no info re: previous placements. So much work went into trying to compile an accurate picture so he could get the right help. None of the information has followed him.
We met all but one of his placements on our recent trip - they each told how they had tried to get him help. We know his bio family - they tell how they tried to get him help. All placements were afraid of him, they were afraid for the other children in their lives, etc. Similar stories to ours. We talked to his former Guardian ad Litem (praying she gets re-assigned to him!) - she said all that we shared was "typical" of him - "this is what he does". We pled with her to please advocate for him as it appears he is going to get ignored again.
My guess is that he never gets help because there appears to be little professional knowledge of RAD. And, frankly, he isn't very likeable after his initial "love" of everyone. I have heard numerous people comment they felt like they needed to take a shower after spending time with him. It is hard to say that, but it is true.
The placement continues to do all the wrong things for a RAD child. He wants all the control all the time. They think it is a sign of burgeoning maturity. They want to "empower" him - when he needs to be learning to stop manipulating everyone and be in relationships. It was recommended by his psychologist that he not be placed with small children - he is with SEVEN. It was recommended that he not care for animals - so he is an unsupervised volunteer at an animal shelter. He was referred to an attachment program - he is in a private home - public school. Basically, all recommendations, they did the opposite.
And we fully believe that we have done what we needed to do for the best for all. Or tried to do. We prayed and prayed for guidance. So many people prayed for us. I am at peace with our choice. It was right for the rest of the our family. but what about him? How long does he continue to be the victim of the system and it's ineptitude? We are advocates for our children - all of the children in our care. What can we do for him and how? So we continue to pray. It is a shame how poorly we care for the children in this country.
Thank-you for asking. I don't tell our story - don't know where to begin - it feels good just to put it down. Thank-you.
One sad Mom...