I'm afraid of therapy!

seriously....btdt. i honestly am afraid of therapy too. it did more harm than good since we never found a true attachment therapist. the best help we got was when we got a psychiatrist to agree to give dd meds to lower her anxiety and talk to US about how WE could help dd heal. so....i'm the wrong person to encourage you to try again. lol. after that year dd refused her meds and we moved anyways....and she has been making better and better choices every year since. i know the RIGHT kind of therapy can be helpful for these kids....i just never figured out how to find it. :(

I agree with you. If you children have ANY attachment issues, they should not get to go in with that adult alone. If attachment is an issue, I would only recommend going to someone who knows and understands. And then AMAZING things can happen. Will pray for you!

Well, our previous therapist was pretty good. She was adopted and she adopted two little boys (relatives). The only thing that bothered me was that I talked to her in the beginning about my concerns regarding seeing the kids alone, but then she took them off alone anyway. It was awkward. We were right in the middle of talking and then she said "Ok, well B and I are just going to go play a game on the back porch for a while." It caught me so off guard that I didn't know what to say. Now that we are dealing with some bigger issues (like stealing) I know that my kids are going to do everything they can to deflect and avoid talking about themselves. It's hard to want to call this therapist back into our home when she did not honor my wishes last time. It's like she broke trust with me. On the other hand, she totally understood their issues. :confused:

I had to remind myself that if I hired these people, they work for me and I can fire them just as easily. And I have taken my kids and walked out of therapy offices when the therapist did things I felt were not good for my kids. I also told them NO if I didn't agree with things they said, though I usually sent my child from the room first. If she says she is going to play a game with your son on the back porch, tell her, "great, I'll bring my chair out and watch." Of course, my good attachment therapists didn't waste time with play therapy and games as they figured I could play games with them myself. Theraplay with very young children can be useful but the parent is involved in that. I did learn a lot from my son watching him do a play therapy session, it didn't help him, but it was interesting. I understand the feelings you describe well. Parenting disturbed people is no easy task and it does leave one pondering wondering off and starting life over alone with an assumed name...

You are so right Lucyjoy. They work for us. And, this is my family. I am responsible for my childrens' well-being which includes their mental health! Wanted to update. I have decided to see a family counselor who takes my hubby's insurance. We will have to pay $30 a visit, but it is worth it to me to have someone treat us as a whole family unit. It seems as though all that is offered through our subsidy is individual therapy for the kids only. So, for now we will be going every other Saturday with our older two children. I am still very nervous. I plan to be completely, bluntly honest with this counselor. Hope she can take it?!! Wish me luck!

I hear you. With attachment therapy for my child, we are choosing to pay out of pocket for a therapist that is a good fit for our family and my parenting style and who is specifically trained in attachment, rather than work with someone who is not, and would therefore likely do more harm than good!

I would be willing to pay out of pocket if I could find a good one. So far none are in our area that are taking new patients and willing to work with my son.

Am coming late to this conversation and hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts. If you don't have any nearby therapists who are familiar with attachment/adoption issues, you might hope that the one you found is willing to learn. One of the attachment therapy teams I work with often talks with other therapists or sometimes therapists visit and do mini internships to learn about attachment and adoption issues. So, in addition to being strong with the therapist about your expectations, you might ask her/him if they're wiling to learn... suggest books, organizations, etc. Certainly it would be better to go to someone who knew all this already, but someone who is willing to learn might turn out to be very (ok, somewhat...!) effective.Susan Ward[url=http://www.olderchildadoptionsupport.com]Older Child Adoption Support - Main Page[/url]

Great idea. Never thought about that. I can definately ask the therapist. If they are not interested in learning about adoption issues they are probably not a good choice for our family!

There are no therapists that get trauma and attachment in our area. I quickly saw firsthand that bad therapy is worse than no therapy. The last therapist wanted to read "A Child Called It" with my traumatized ten year old. WHAT??! And she questioned our parenting in front of her. It is so hard and frustrating to find someone who gets it. My daughter is afraid of therapy because she doesn't want feelings to come out that cause her to have meltdowns. She's not at a point yet where she can see the benefit in dealing with those things.

This thread is a little old but here is my two cents... When my family was in crisis I needed a therapist to help but I also needed to understand what was happening to us so I found every book on adoption, attachment, and parenting. I read everything I could get my hands on and found this forum (which was a life saver!). Our therapist told us exactly what I had read...play therapy is what works. You do not need a therapist to do this. If you only do ten minutes a day for the first few weeks, it is enough. Set a timer, because I know my child would sabatoge the fun. Having fun, laughing together is so bonding. I would always switch up the activities and never let the child choose. I know some say let the child lead but I never did. Then get a therapist for you and vent away. I can't remember if there is a list here about bonding activities but I know anything one on one is good. I did alot of physical stuff with the kids. boxing was one of our favorites because I could let the kids hit me and it seemed to let them vent their anger toward me in a safe way that had rules vs them clawing my face with fingernails. We also jumped on the trampoline and did wii dance. We played "steam roller" (rolling over each other on the floor) and sheep (crawling on all fours around the house). We also had reading time where the child sits on the lap and sucks candy while I read. Sometimes we would play nursery games where there is a lot of face to face interaction. (think infant games like patty cake) The hardest thing about therapy for me was talking to the kids about their past...but it must be done. Do a little at a time. Talk about their first mom and how they must miss her. Talk about how much you love them and are sad they lost their first mom too. Talk about anger, sadness, being scared. But also talk about good emotions too. Talk about good way to vent anger. And always talk about how much you love them, even if you don't feel it. Fake it til you make it was my motto for a long time. These kids break us, but it is all worth it.

It is so important for the parent to be involved in the therapy and in the session. A good therapist will honor your opinion and if they're not versed in adoption or foster issues, will become educated through reading, workshops, and talking to the expert...you! And it's okay for you to "interview" the therapist on the phone first before you schedule an appointment.

You have to remember that you are the expert on your child. We did have one therapist who was willing to learn, I loved her, but the more she worked with my son the more severe she realized his issues were and she said she was in over hear head. Then she tried helping us find someone else with her contacts and had the same issues aI had. Here are the things that were red flags for me. 1. A therapist who thinks that the child's background and past are "irrelevant". I have a written letter that I gave to each therapist which is a three page summary of his life, the placements he has had, medications and therapies we have tried, and issues he has. One refused to read it saying it was irrelevant. 2. Therapist insists on dealing with the child alone. If they know about attachment, then they know the parent needs to be in the room. 3. Therapist who talks down to the parent or undermines or chastises the parent in front of the child. 4. Therapist does not listen to parent. 5. Therapist lies or goes back on their word. (such as telling you they are experienced in dealing with attachment issues when this is not true, or agreeing that you will be in the room and then asking you to leave.)Any of those things are grounds for me to walk out of the office and not come back.

I am so sorry for your pain. These are my first few postings- my son is 14 and if I can help someone else would love to do that. Zach was "ruined" this past spring/summer when we went to regular Psychiatrists.We were told that he was "individuating" and that we needed to let him tell us if he could be home for dinner. These kids need huge boundaries to feel safe. Zach went off the edge, started drinking, running away, pot use etc. He would look at me 1/2 pleading but I didn't know what was wrong at the time. Finally a nurse baseball manager that was trying to recruit him (after he self sabotaged and quit his select baseball team) mentioned to my husband that "gosh it sounds like he has RAD". We didn't know what RAD was! So, finally we took him to a true Reactive Attachment Specialist named Mark Coen in the Kirkland, Washington area. This therapy IS NOT 1:1 therapy- because as you have figured out- they only manipulate the therapist. It MUST be family therapy, or at least the kid and parents. Everything was "cool beans", so we had to make a gut-wrenching decision per Mark Coen's recommendation, and sent Zach away to Agape Boarding School in Stockton, Missouri. Best decision we've ever made. he's doing well- however he's CONTAINED. These kids do really well contained. We hope he can come home the end of summer. He'll be gone for about a year. Then we'll have to pay for more private school, because if these kids are put back into the same environment they will fail. This 2nd school is for kids with "issues", some drug use, cutting, quite a number of kids with RAD. I've spoken to families and to 1 kid that goes there- and this particular kid feels strongly that this local school really helped him avoid gang activity and permanency on the streets. Please let me know if I can help more. God Bless.