open adoption ? Being sensitive to first mom

I'll say that, even though our situation started differently-agency adoption, did not meet mom until after Peanut was born-we found the same pattern with interaction. At first, we were getting contacted by mom much more frequently. Lately it's really slowed down. We have a private Facebook page which is where we communicate the most frequently. In one of the letters I sent her, I reminded her that we loved hearing from her, and we hoped she'd let us know if she wasn't hearing from us enough or we weren't sharing the things she wants to know. We also reminded her we look forward to visiting with her, just to let us know when she's ready. Then, I decided I would initiate communication on a pretty regular schedule-even if I didn't hear from her. That way she can count on hearing from us, but she can also increase it by initiating additional contacts if she chooses. Right now, because our little one is still young and changing every day, I post something at least every two weeks on the Facebook page and send a letter with photos once a month. If she contacts in between, then I respond. If she's having a difficult time, she can avoid going to the Facebook page or not open the letter. But when she's ready, the pics, letters, and posts are there.

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I would guess she's grieving and probably needs some space, but that's b/c that's what happened with our birth family, so I guess I'm biased.When we started out, the birth family couldn't care for DS, but were actively involved in finding him the "right" adoptive family. They told the caseworkers what they wanted (some criteria to match their family like religion, priorities, hobbies, etc.) and helped choose us. One of the things they wanted was an open adoption and regular (a few times a year) visitation. They were afraid to ask for it b/c they didn't want to scare anyone off, but the caseworkers told them to ask for whatever they wanted and see how much they could get. They thought they'd hit the jackpot with us, b/c we agreed to openness. They said right up front that we were everything they wanted for him and that if we didn't want any contact with them they would understand; they just didn't want anything to get in the way of him being adopted by a good family.Of course, that got to me, and of course I verbally agreed to probably far more than I was comfortable with. We decided that we would wait til all the court proceedings were over, then arrange for us to meet the rest of the family. (We were only in contact with one of the birth grandmothers, who came to all the court hearings. She's the only one we actually met, although there were more people involved who live in the next town.)I brought DS to every court date, even those I didn't need to attend, just in case the family was there wanting to see him. By the time we got to the last date, the grandmother suddenly said, "Let's wait til he's 18. Then if he wants to look for us, he can." And she left me with a generic email address.I was shocked. And I emailed her a photo of him and thanked her for all she had done on our behalf, and asked her to thank her daughter for our beautiful boy, etc. but I never heard from her.The caseworker later told me that she had been having issues for a while with dealing with "giving him up" even though they'd never had him in their home to care for. They had decided as a group that it was just too much to handle and didn't want to have him know them and then have them disappear if it became too hard.I really feel terrible, like I have this great gift that needs to be shared with them, but I can't because of the pain it would cause them. It's a really horrible paradox, but I have to respect them for knowing themselves and give them the space they need to grieve.

Sounds like our son's birthfather. He called, texted, emailed A LOT in the beginning after termination. Then it dropped off, and at one point, a month and a half went by without him contacting me. Then we saw him again in May, and I sent our little guy's 2 year old pics to birthdad at the end of June, and that kind of spurred on a lot of contact. He's been emailing, asking for updates, when we can get together, etc. Of course, when I gave him a date that we can get together, he hasn't emailed back to say if that is ok or not. I honestly think (at least in our case), he wants to make sure we're not going to up and disappear and cut off all contact. He's still scared, this adoption is still new (at this time last year, the goal for my son was still to reunify with his bios), and he just wants reassurance. I know, in our case, I initiate contact when I would have given pics/updates anyway. So, for that month and a half that bd didn't contact me, I didn't send anything, because I knew I'd be sending 2 year old pics and an update in June. Good luck as you navigate this. It's harder than I ever imagined. It's almost easier with my son's birthmom, because we don't get along, she's typically mean and disrespectful and demanding, so I don't feel that need to "make everything ok" for her. Even though that's a silly thing to think, I want to do my best to make this open adoption a good thing for my son and his birth father.