What if they want nothing to do with you??

July 18, 2011

I have recently found my 2 daughters. One is 18 and the other is 16. They are sisters that have lived with their birthfather and adoptive mother. My birth daughter who is 18 wants nothing to do with me, but the 16 year old has behind her fathers back, talked to me on the phone. The father and adoptive mother have done their best to turn the girls against me for all these years. I raised them until they were 5 and 7. The reason for the adoption was that is was a constant fight and It was best for them at the time. Anyways, since my daughter who is 16 got caught talking to me, her father has taken away her phone and kept her from everything possible for her to socialize. I know according to the law, I have no rights to the 16 yr old till she is 18. But my daughter who is 18 has talked a couple of times to me on Facebook, but I can tell she is not wanting to give me much of a chance of a "friendship" here. What can I say or do,..this just breaks my heart.????

bromanchik

July 20, 2011

You need to give her time. If she was 5 when you left most likely she still has memories of you leaving. That kind of separation is hard on kids. She may be afraid to trust you. I know that may be hard for you to hear, but it is important to look at it from her perspective.

And, please, quit trying to contact the 16 year old. You are putting her in an impossible position.

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TxMom65

July 20, 2011

The girls haven't forgotten you. I think that you have made contact with the 18 year old and now give her time to digest it. Make sure she has your contact information and let her know that you are availabe to talk anytime. Always be honest with her.

I do agree that contact with the younger one needs to stop.

hurtgirl56

July 27, 2011

Hi,

Sorry, new to this board so it is not a direct response to your post but I chose it because it was a similar theme.

I placed my son for adoption 35 years ago. In 1998 I located him through Catholic Social Services. His adoptive parent were great! They thought I was great which is even better. Nick (my son), his parents and I had a good relationship allowing for the distance (3 hours) between us. His parents sent me flowers on Christmas (his birthday), Nick and I talked by phone once every 2-3 months and saw each other once or twice a year on average. I never wanted to crowd him and took great pains not to do so. A few years ago his parents, sister and her family, Nick and I even met at Irishfest (I live in Milwaukee County). He always responded when I would leave a phone message or send him his birthday card and check.

Two years ago he got married and communication has virtually stopped. He no longer returns my calls or responds to my cards and she won't answer me on FB. I didn't hear about my grandson's birth 'till one month later, wasn't invited to the Baptism or his first birthday party. The two times I have been down since his birth, it felt like I was reluctantly granted the visit. I have yet to receive thank-you notes for the wedding gift, new baby gift, floral arrangement, birthday gifts and other assorted toys and baby CDs.

I have been wondering for a long time what happened and this morning saw that she posted new pics on her FB page. While looking at the pictures of my grandson (who is now walking) the background caught my attention. I slowly realized it was Milwaukee's lakefront. They came to Festa Italiana last weekend and visited Miller Park without even calling me. It hit me like a slug to the stomach. I can't comment on FB for fear that she will defriend me and I won't be able to follow their progress or see new pics.

Does anyone have any clue as to why this is occurring or have had a similar experience? It is obvious she doesn't like me or consider me family but Nick is a grown man and I feel he should have explained to her that I was a part of his life and stood his ground.

I am hurting...

VancouverShar

August 9, 2011

An adoptee having children of one's own can bring up such a wide range of emotions. It isn't helpful to blame the wife. As you say, he's a grown man and these decisions are his.

I would write him a note. Explain that you miss him terribly and ask if you've done anything to offend him and if there is anything you can do to improve the relationship. Sometimes what we believe to be an innocent comment can be taken the wrong way. Let him know that you love him and aren't going anywhere.

Be patient and hang in there. I'm sure he'll come around.

hurtgirl56

August 10, 2011

Thanks. Always helpful to get another's opinion. I have thought about a letter or note but am putting it off...avoidance, I guess. Maybe I'm fearful of the answer but I do want it out in the open. I believe in honesty.

Found out a week or so ago, also on FB, that she is pregnant again. Now there will be two grandchildren I will never see. Do you think she is upset because my sister referred to me as "Grandma" when we saw the baby? I certainly didn't mean to imply that I was taking anything for granted but I am his blood-grandmother.

Thanks again,