I can't believe what he said to me...

:eek: He would be sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable future. And cooking his own meals. And doing his own laundry. And. . .. I'm so sorry. What a heartless thing to think, much less say to someone he is supposed to love. Send him off to spend the night on a friend's sofa and have that cry.

If it was me, I'd kick him to the curb...seriously. I wouldn't want to hear him throw that kind of crap into my face during future arguments...and believe me, he probably will. I always weeded out potential mates right in the beginning by telling them about my son. I didn't want to waste my life with someone who had contempt for me, even if it was buried deep under the surface, for surrendering my baby.

Totally agree with Raven myself and I also weeded out potentials by seeing how they handled knowing about my two girls I placed for adoption.

Well, to his defense, it isn't something that I openly discuss with him or many people for that matter. Even though he has known about it since we began dating, I really only discuss it with my family. So he was kind of surprised that I was upset... kind of out of the blue. To MY defense, I didn't bring up the birthday last year, because his best friend's mother passed away. Didn't really want to make that day about me. But generally, it is something I suffer with in silence. I used to share with my mother until she passed away. Now, I just talk to my sister about it. Thankfully, she called me when she got off work tonight and calmed me down. Plus, I love him to death, but if he had a child...he would understand. Just because you don't raise a child, doesn't mean you can just flip a switch and go back to life before you were pregnant.

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else, I'd kick him to the curb. You don't need to put up with that, no matter how much you love him./

He would not necessarily understand if he had had a child. My ex-husband (you did note the ex right?) was the bfather of my placed daughter and said he considered us just donors and that she was not his child. He did not understand why I continued to mourn her and wanted reunion. It was a factor in our divorce. I am totally with Raven on this one. That would be a complete relationship ender. I just don't associate with people who think those things much less from my partner. No way no how. How can he not understand that reaching legal adulthood has huge ramifications? I am sorry. I know it is hard. Hopefully your son can register or begin searching for you now.

I'm sorry he hurt you during a weak moment (hurting for your, now adult, child) I don't see the above a relationship killer.. but only you can make that call People are dumb sometimes. My DH has said some utterly boneheaded things. Sometimes I even vent about them here. :D The way i've managed to cope.. when he said something unsupportive, twisting something thats important to me.. As soon as he says "i don't understand", I push back with "If you want to understand, i can explain. if you just want to argue, I'm not in the mood." It makes it super clear that his judgments are not welcome. I'm not sure based solely on the snippet above, if he said something boneheaded and then tried to back his view.. or if he's truly not supportive of your reality If he is non-supportive in general, then I'll go with the herd and say. time to move on.

The fact that you have come to his defense tells me more about you than it does him. I don't mean that in a bad way, just want you to think about that. If he takes this stance, and you haven't even met your son, what stance will he take when/if you do? With the internet, it is so easy for people to find each other. His comments to you tell me a lot about him, though I know I am assuming and what that means. I, also, may be putting a bit of personal experience into play here. I reunited with my Bdad several years ago. His wife "didn't understand" why I mattered to him. Her lack of understanding, along with her possessiveness, insecurities, control issues, etc. made our reunion a living hell. It destroyed our relationship, though he had a role in that as well. It put a wedge between us, that has been difficult to overcome, as Bdad and I have now reconnected since her death. I reunited with Bmom over 20 years ago. her ex husband, who also has an illegitimate child, advised her to not reunite with me. Thank goodness, she didn't listen to him. His attitude has caused its own set of problems to some extent as well. I am, and have been a big part of their childrens lives. My sister and I have grown very close over the years. For all these years, he has refused to acknowledge my existance. Can you imagine how that makes my brother and sister feel? It has had a definite effect on our relationships, as well as their relationships with him. I wont even get into the role it played in my relationship with my Bmom, and how she reacted to our relationship. His remarks in regard to his own illegit son, "I'd tell him I had disowned him, and slam the door in his face." don't mislead yourself into thinking having a child of his own will change a mans mind. There is more to the issue than that for some men. Just be careful and take a good, long, hard look at your guy to see what kind of person he really is. There are guys out there who would understand and support you, not judge you and make you feel like crap. How dare he do that to you! Sorry, if I sound a little whatever I sound like, but I'd like to punch him in the nose for you.

(((((iwagrlVA))))), I'm so sorry you're put in a position of having to defend your feelings... I remember my daughter's 18th birthday, and your post brought tears to my eyes. I also understand your defense of the man you love, but he is W.R.O.N.G. Hang in there, Soprano

Wow, your man is terribly insensitive. I think he needs to just keep his pie-hole shut. He sounds rather clueless. I would have a hard time if my SO had this type of attitude, but then again, at least you know where he stands, unlike my STBX who never said much of anything and said it "didn't bother him" that I had a son out there, but deep down, I think it did. 18 is a very significant year, and YES, it IS different from 15 or 17 because in most states, 18 is the legal age that an adopted person can search and be found. And if I hear one more person say we didn't do the work, so we don't deserve to know our own children, I swear, I will lose it!!

Please have a discussion about this with him. Let him know that his actions are insensitive and unacceptable! Find out if he would support a reunion and relationship with your child. It is really important that you look deep within yourself and find out why you would defend this type of behaviour. Don't you think you're worthy of more? At the very least, you need to educate him. Insensitive comments are born of ignorance.