PIctures

I assume C's bparents may share the pictures I send with their family and friends. I hope they would feel comfortable doing so. I would not feel comfortable with pictures on Facebook or another social networking site (no matter what the privacy settings), but I wouldn't have any problem with a private album. I'd feel comfortable with any of the pictures I send - not just of him alone, but of him with our family. I hope C's bparents are as proud of him as you are of your Little Bee; I certainly am, and I would be proud for their loved ones to see us all together. I do think it would show a lot of kindness and respect to check in with them about it, but I don't think you are violating their privacy.I also think about it this way. I and my close loved ones know C's story, which is in part their story. I may not have shared everything with anyone, but my mom and my closest friends know most of it, just like they would know a bio child's story. If I can share information, how could I object to them sharing photos?

NOT judging but just honestly curious ... Why ok with a private online album but not photos shared on FB with strict privacy settings? What's the difference in your mind? Thanks! Mani

The difference in how I feel about the two is about the difference in purpose of the sites and the difference in the way people interact. Facebook is not just about sharing pictures; photo sharing albums are, and people need to think more before copying, commenting, etc. I've also known several people whose FB accounts have been hacked. While I'm sure photo sharing sites are no more immune to hacking, someone would need to know the account was there in order to do so and, again, because they are only about the photos, not the networking, there's less incentive to do so. It's not just bfamily I wouldn't want sharing pictures on FB; I don't allow anyone to post pictures of C, regardless of the privacy settings they are using.

Thanks for taking the time to explain, :)

My adoption isn't final yet.. hopefully next month, but I send pics to her mom and she posts them on fb... my child is 6 though and knows her mom well. I have NO problem with her posting pics (providing its secure) but sometime it does get to me when she posts all the pics and writes things that makes it look as if she is spending her time being mommy. She loves her kids, I know that for sure, and she surrendered her rights so I could adopt her daughter because she loved her enought to want whats best, but sometimes, I would like the credit for all the smiley happy pics and good times...(I guess Im a little selfish for that) my advise is like the others, talk to the A. parents

If I was in your position no I wouldn't share the pics except privately with family. I have shared pics 'publically' such as on Facebook as has my son but the huge difference is that my son is an adult, the pics are in the public domain anyway as as we have done articles for magazines and a national newspaper. Wait till he is an adult before doing something like that

I'm an adoptive mom and I must say that I was fine with sharing pics of my daughter. Her birth mom did post them on fb without asking me. I wasn't too happy about it but after I thought about it for a while I honestly didnt mind. I wish she would have asked and honestly I would have preferred her not to do that. However; in my adoption it was a family friend situation so I know the birth mom well. Still I think it's great you care enough to ask because we as adoptive parents feel so helpless about the privacy of our child anyway and then when you've got a bio mom going rouge it's even harder. Kudo's to you for caring.

I'm a birthmom, have been for 10 years, and I haven't posted on here in a while b/c I guess I tried to just not think about or face the pain. I remembered though, how much this site helped me as I was going through the adoption process, so I thought I might come back to give, and receive some support. As for this picture question, this one really hits a nerve with me. I was told in the beginning that mine would be an "open-adoption", but I sort of got too emotional and needy directly after the birth, and I bugged them quite a bit for pictures. So much in fact that they actually stopped talking to me because I guess I scared them, that I might change my mind. I just missed them, and him so much that I felt I needed pictures of him, to see him growing, and I felt that after giving them my baby, the least they could do was give me some pics of him. But looking back, I realize I didn't need pictures DAILY. They now allow me on their facebook, and I see pics of him quite often, but I'm afraid to talk to them, because I'm always afraid I'll scare them away again, to the point where they'll delete me from their facebook, or stop posting pics for me. It's a very touchy subject I think that you must be very careful with. Sorry, kinda went off on my own little vent there too :-

I think your post was amazingly honest. Such a brave statement to make and as an adoptive Mom yep you would have scared the crap out of me too. However; reading this post made me want to hug you. Tell your kiddo's ap's what you said above. I imagine it will make them feel a whole lot better about the whole thing. They should have anticipated this IMHO. I still hurt for my DD's first mom and I doubt I'll ever stop grieving for her. I'm very on top of our DD's first mom's feelings and I know holidays etc are going to be extra hard. We do extra visits and send extra pics.The only part of your post that struck me was "I gave them my baby the least they could do was give me pics". It sounds like they did but you were in a very sensitive place and needing more and I imagine they too were in a sensitive place and needing time to become a family. Remember AP's are parents too. Behaviors that seem over the top may scare some AP's(for the sake of the kiddo) or because they too are insecure or in an emotional place. So just try to keep that in mind. But I love the honesty in your post and your bravery for sharing.

Ditto that! And thinking optimistically - they allowed reconnection through facebook! They may be ready to try again as well. My advice - Take it slow, send a private message sharing some of what you said above and expressing your joy in reconnecting. Then maybe start by commenting on a picture (I like that shirt or he looks so nice in red). Give yourself guidelines if you are worried about overdoing it. Thank you for sharing and I hope that communication continues for you.

Thanks so much for your positive comments. I guess I sometimes just wish that the "open adoption" thing was more carved in stone as promised verbally, ya know? I understand that they have their own lives and their busy and all that, but now that he's 10 I can't help but wonder if he wonders about me, if he's seen pics of me, how much they've told him of me, etc. I have attempted to gently ask them through facebook messages, but like I said I don't want to push too hard, and I understand that it is ultimately up to them. The have given me very general answers too, but the last time they did that it he was 6. I guess I just wish I really understood more firmly how it was gonna be better pre-adoption, because I now kinda feel like I was duped into believing we would be this close happy family even after his birth, and of course that just simply isn't the case. (partly my own fault, I know) I got to know them over the last 3 months of my pregnancy and they helped me and taught me sooo much about life, that it is still such a heartache to think of them. I think I actually miss THEM more than my baby, I know that sounds weird, but I didn't know my baby. I knew them, and I loved them. I am still very proud of what I did, because I know he is SOO much better off with them, but I'm also sad because I now can't have children. I lost one, it was a tubal pregnancy so I lost one ovary and tube, and now the other side is completely blocked by a cyst that they say they can't (or won't) remove. Anyway, I'm 36 now, so feeling pretty much past the birthing stage of my life anyhow. Thanks for reading my posts. I forgot how therapeutic this site is!! :)

Well I'm really sorry to hear of your 2ndary fertility issues. That's hard there are others on this board who've dealt with that and hopefully they'll reach out to you. I think the fact that you miss them shows that you were all very close. I was very close to our DD's first mother too. Still am pretty close. I can say this though life does change once the child is here. It gets hectic and a lot more difficult to add in another layer (but it should be added!) I dont get together as much with our DD's first mom as we did pre baby. I had more time, I was worried about her (her pregnancy was super stressful, baby didn't gain enough weight etc.) so I was around more to make sure that she and the baby were taken care of physically. I think sometimes we forget that there's also the emotional health that we need to keep in mind. My DD's first mom watches her has visits often pics very often and is on my FB. But I too need to be better about her emotional health. No doubt your son thinks of you, and I'm sure they've had to talk about you and hopefully they do often. We've got pictures hung of our DD's first mom etc in her room. She's never far from our thoughts and I imagine the same is true for your son. I really think you should reach out to them and tell them that when he was first born that it was really hard but that you miss them not just him. That you really would like to know if he asks about you and what they've told him of you. Reassure them that you are still very happy that you placed him with them and that you just want to know a bit more about him and how they are doing as well. How open is your adoption? Do you have visits I'm assuming not since he's 10 and you don't have these answers. What was your agreement with them pre placement?

Thanks so much for your response. I really hope you're right about my son thinking of me, I hope they have spoken of me like they said they would. And you're right I should reach out to them and ask what they have told him but I don't know how, and I am soooo afraid that they will just shut me out again and I won't get any pics, or any contact at all, that I don't know what to say or how to say it. I also work full time at a very stressful call centre job so to have the time to sit and think about what and how to say, is hard. Our adoption was said that it would be open in the beginning, but it's really not. I see them on facebook, that's it. I've messaged them a couple of times, and have gotten very measured, well thought out responses. I think what might be a good idea is to post what I'm thinking of saying to them on here first, and kind of run it by you guys first to make sure what I'm saying is going to come across alright. Like I said, it's just going to take sometime for me to have the time to put that together and think about it. So glad and happy to have someone to listen and understand what I am going through though. Thanks so much again for your response. You can't even imagine how much it means. :)

If your agreement was an open adoption and although they seem to be open it's not really open IMHO; then I'd just put it out there for them. Your kiddo is getting old enough now that he'll start wanting more openness. So I'd try it again. I think the timing is pretty good. Just be open and honest and just put it out there. Just tell them. You know you were too much in the beginning but that you had emotions that were needing to be worked through, you've worked through them and you would like to have them and him in your life. You want to take it slow and get reconnected with them. Once you are past the first "communication" then start slowly and get your questions answered. Feel free to run it by us; as an Amom I'd be happy to give you my impression. We are here for you!

IMO you should not post anything. Whether or not it's an open, semi open or closed A, pictures should be kept 100% private. As we know, nothing on the internet is completely safe. Even though the pictures are beautiful in nature, the adults seem to forget about what the child may want when they become as an adult. I would not want my picture posted anywhere as an adoptee. It would be my choice. End of story.